We met in the most unexpected way, unexpected moment, everything was so unexpected. At first I thought you were just someone like the others who would definitely come and go. Those men who are just after lust, liquor, everything that is for pleasure. Well, maybe I may not know what you were after for. It all began when I went home late in the afternoon, we were texting the night before I think and I wasn't able to reply because I was at a party. I was too busy to give you my attention, too busy keeping myself busy. Honestly, I forgot how the rest of the story went all I can recall was that night when we first started talking to each other over the phone that went for hours, days, weeks, and now, almost a month. This was something else, you started opening up and I did as well. You seemed to be very okay but not, I know from the very start that you weren't. As they say, "A loner knows another loner." I admire you for being so strong, for holding on though you're completely losing grip. We started sending photos on Twitter, video called on Skype, chatted on Viber, until we finally saw each other that one Friday night. Excitement filled me though we know it was just for couple of minutes that we could talk. Everyone seemed to be invisible when I was with you. Well, not really everyone. Everything. All I can see was you, I looked straight into your eyes and I don't know. I hugged you for a second and that second was like a complete moment. But I hated my classmate for being so irritating, she knows and she can see that I was with you, I kept on hiding from car to car just for her to feel that I want her to leave us alone but I think she's a complete dumb ass that she didn't even felt it. (Yes, I know I'm mean and I don't give a damn about it!) I hated her that night. I hated her for not leaving us alone, I hated her for catching your attention, I hated her for giving her number when you asked for it, I hated how she talked to you, I hated her that night and I hate her 'til now. I hated her not because I felt she was taking you away from me, stealing you. How can someone take you or steal you from me when you aren't even mine? When we're only just friends. "Best friends". I was a bit scared, or maybe I was terrified. Too scared to admit, too brave to deny.
We went from serious to crazy talks. Then you called me one Sunday morning, I was sleeping soundly at a Condo Hotel with my family. I was exhausted. And I heard you crying, your grand father passed away. I couldn't get back to sleep. I was worried sick about you. I wanted to be there for you, be there with you but I can't, I'm not supposed to, it's not right. The other week we were talking about our ex's and I remembered how I told you to give her a chance, set a deadline, start moving on because you don't deserve to be living in the shadows of what used to be. She went to your grand father's wake, you told me she texted you that she was going to be at the wake with you. You talked to her and I hope you have let go of that grudge and all the questions in your heart and mind. I can't sleep that night, I know we're best friends but this isn't right. I'm not suppose to feel this way. The next day you called and told me a bit of how the talk went, everything was grey to me what I can remember was when you said to me that... "I told her that I already have you." I don't know how to react, what to feel or what. Few days after your grand father's burial you went out with your siblings and cousins had couple of drinks and I didn't get it why you even called just to tell me that there's this girl across your table who seems to be checking you out.
I went on a big event at a club inside a Casino Hotel. I was with someone, and I was surrounded with dozens of attractive guys but I don't get it why I was holding my phone in my hand while raving. I was even actually on a date with someone that night which I didn't tell you. And this other guy who likes me was even there too. They were all around me but I'm all about you.You told me you'd call to check on me and you did. I rushed to the comfort room to take your phone call, you seemed worried and all. You sounded jealous, yet sounded so sarcastic. I don't get it. I don't get you. I don't get this. You were like a silly boyfriend, yet you kept on reminding that we're friends, best friends. That night, that night when you told me that I don't need to update you made a huge impact on me and somehow pierced my heart. I said I myself, "Okay then. No updates". Then after a weeks time I went out again and you said sorry for saying such, your exact words were... "Okay. I'm sorry. I was wrong. I shouldn't have said that. Please do update me. Please. Please. Please."
One afternoon we were being so silly as usual when I unintentionally cracked a joke which went too personal. I know you got upset. I didn't know what to do, how, what, why. That night was so cold, so cold that I almost shivered. The next day you asked for space because there are things you should do, your priorities. From your lunatic side to your dead serious side. I don't understand you but I want to. I want to but I don't know how to. I completely understand your desires, goals, priorities, everything. Just not this. Just not us. We're best friends we made it clear as crystal to each other but why are we this way? We argued. We shouted at each other. We got mad. But we eventually fixed it. We always make it to a point that we aren't sleeping without reconciling over things we argued or had some misunderstandings about. I've been planning and preparing a simple surprise for you on your birthday but the next thing I know you called up to tell me that you would be leaving for the US two days from now. You will be away for a month. I was out with my friends, drinking. We were at our 7th bar. It was an unplanned drinking spree and bar hopping. I was talking to one of my closest friends about you, all about you. At the first bar, I kept on holding back my tears wailing to them about you leaving. At the 7th bar along Tomas Morato, there was this handsome and hot guy across our table. He kept on catching a glimpse, he caught my attention by his looks. You unexpectedly called, asked where I was and I told you. Your tone started to change from that sweet deep voice to an angry lion. My pitch went high, we were arguing. Shouting at each other over the phone. This is too absurd. You said, "I'm not your boyfriend and you're not my girlfriend but we're best friends that's why I care for you this much. Please go home." That was the first time I heard you asked me to go home. It was the first time you were so pissed that I was out drinking. Before me and my friend entered their house, you called again. Asking me where I am. "What happened? Why are we so attached to each other?" I said I don't know because I don't really know. You then asked me, "You love me, right?" your deep manly voice spoke every word so clear as if I cannot hear anyone else even my own breath. All I can hear is you, your voice. I starred at a corner, took a deep breathe, closed my eyes and replied, "Yes of course. You're my best friend." I didn't know what to say, how to tell you that I feel for you, how to let you know about this. I don't even know why you reacted like you were disappointed with my reply. Were you? Or were you just playing around just for me to tell you the truth?
I know you'd be back because your class starts on August. I remember that time you told me you wanted to go back to US to fix things, fix yourself and I told you to do what you think would help you. But why am I feeling sad? I know it would help you a lot or maybe somehow. I know it would help you. I think it would help me too. To completely stop this. Maybe we need to be apart. Maybe you're falling because I was the one who was there for you when it was suppose to be her. Maybe I'm falling for you because you were how exactly how I wished for him to be like. But no, I know this is true but it's not right. Not everything that is true is right. But if secretly feeling for you is wrong then maybe, just maybe let me be wrong for the rest of my life.
One afternoon we were being so silly as usual when I unintentionally cracked a joke which went too personal. I know you got upset. I didn't know what to do, how, what, why. That night was so cold, so cold that I almost shivered. The next day you asked for space because there are things you should do, your priorities. From your lunatic side to your dead serious side. I don't understand you but I want to. I want to but I don't know how to. I completely understand your desires, goals, priorities, everything. Just not this. Just not us. We're best friends we made it clear as crystal to each other but why are we this way? We argued. We shouted at each other. We got mad. But we eventually fixed it. We always make it to a point that we aren't sleeping without reconciling over things we argued or had some misunderstandings about. I've been planning and preparing a simple surprise for you on your birthday but the next thing I know you called up to tell me that you would be leaving for the US two days from now. You will be away for a month. I was out with my friends, drinking. We were at our 7th bar. It was an unplanned drinking spree and bar hopping. I was talking to one of my closest friends about you, all about you. At the first bar, I kept on holding back my tears wailing to them about you leaving. At the 7th bar along Tomas Morato, there was this handsome and hot guy across our table. He kept on catching a glimpse, he caught my attention by his looks. You unexpectedly called, asked where I was and I told you. Your tone started to change from that sweet deep voice to an angry lion. My pitch went high, we were arguing. Shouting at each other over the phone. This is too absurd. You said, "I'm not your boyfriend and you're not my girlfriend but we're best friends that's why I care for you this much. Please go home." That was the first time I heard you asked me to go home. It was the first time you were so pissed that I was out drinking. Before me and my friend entered their house, you called again. Asking me where I am. "What happened? Why are we so attached to each other?" I said I don't know because I don't really know. You then asked me, "You love me, right?" your deep manly voice spoke every word so clear as if I cannot hear anyone else even my own breath. All I can hear is you, your voice. I starred at a corner, took a deep breathe, closed my eyes and replied, "Yes of course. You're my best friend." I didn't know what to say, how to tell you that I feel for you, how to let you know about this. I don't even know why you reacted like you were disappointed with my reply. Were you? Or were you just playing around just for me to tell you the truth?
I know you'd be back because your class starts on August. I remember that time you told me you wanted to go back to US to fix things, fix yourself and I told you to do what you think would help you. But why am I feeling sad? I know it would help you a lot or maybe somehow. I know it would help you. I think it would help me too. To completely stop this. Maybe we need to be apart. Maybe you're falling because I was the one who was there for you when it was suppose to be her. Maybe I'm falling for you because you were how exactly how I wished for him to be like. But no, I know this is true but it's not right. Not everything that is true is right. But if secretly feeling for you is wrong then maybe, just maybe let me be wrong for the rest of my life.
A month. A month. A month. What could happen within a month? We just hanged up the phone right now. It was an unexpected call from you. I thought your flight would be tomorrow? But it turned out that it was this night. Another cold night, this time colder, a whole lot colder. You called to tell me that you're on your way to the airport. I really thought it would be tomorrow and I was planning to see you at the airport and just say "Have a safe flight. I'll see you after a month." But it was tonight. This dreadful night full of emotions, feelings. You told me that you saw her earlier. You went to her office and talked to her. You told me that you told her what you're going to do and that you'll be away for a month. I don't know how to feel. I really don't know what to feel. I didn't know what you talked about but I told you this... "You might not know maybe when you come back you have forgiven her and that you're ready to love her again." You said you don't know and that you'll focus on yourself first this time. Your last words were... "We're dudes right? We're best friends. You're my best friend. I'll be back."
The past few weeks you kept on asking me if I think we would have a chance, if I like you, if there's any possibility to be me and you, if I love you. And every time you ask that I tried so hard to keep it from you, I held back each time. I would always response "Of course I love you, you're my friend. You're my best friend." I don't know what to say, what to tell you because I'm unsure of my growing feelings, which has been growing more and more each day. Or am I sure but denying it to myself. I liked you from the very start, it was like a seed watered daily, taken cared of, loved that made it grow and just like that I had to kill it before it blossoms. Why bother having such when these thorns would cut you deep, hurt you and leave a scar all because you wanted that rose.
As we hang up, a tear shed then unconsciously I was crying and I don't know why. Was it you leaving that was responsible for these tears? Was is because you went to see her? Was it because I didn't have the courage to tell you these things? Or was it because I don't really know what's going inside you. Tonight you will leave for the US, I know you will be back. But will you be back to start anew with her or be back and be with me? If you ask me, I'd rather love to hear you say you'll be back to love yourself a bit more than you should have. I want you to be okay, OKAY. I want you to be happy even if it's not with me. I want you to get back up. I want you, I wanted you, I liked you, and maybe just maybe somewhere in between I fell for you. Why does it hurt when it shouldn't? It was unexpected how it came to be, surprisingly how it went and dreadful how it is now. I should've held back, I should know better than this but why did I fell on this pit again? Why do I keep on falling on the same pit? Never getting tired of trying, of gambling, taking risks, taking chances. When I know that every time I do I end up hurting, I end up left alone in the dark while I lift them into the light, I end up alone in that pit. Alone. Always alone.
/CJ/
(JUNE 2015)
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