Right after we hang up around eleven in the evening I called up one of my closest friends who knows about you. Yes, I've told her about you. She knows. And so as I was sobbing I told her that you were leaving for the US for a month and you'd be back by the 2nd of August. She tried to calm me down and comfort me. I know there's a date of when you'll be returning but what if you enjoyed it there because you missed your life there then who knows when you would be coming back? I hate this 'what if'. 40 days and 40 nights according to the Jews simply means "really long time". The number 40 in the Bible has been mentioned a lot of times such as... "In the Old Testament, when God destroyed the earth with water, He caused it to rain 40 days and 40 nights (Genesis 7:12). After Moses killed the Egyptian, he fled to Midian, where he spent 40 years in the desert tending flocks (Acts 7:30). Moses was on Mount Sinai for 40 days and 40 nights (Exodus 24:18). Moses interceded on Israel’s behalf for 40 days and 40 nights (Deuteronomy 9:18,25). The Law specified a maximum number of lashes a man could receive for a crime, setting the limit at 40 (Deuteronomy 25:3). The Israelite spies took 40 days to spy out Canaan (Numbers 13:25). The Israelites wandered for 40 years (Deuteronomy 8:2-5). Before Samson’s deliverance, Israel served the Philistines for 40 years (Judges 13:1). Goliath taunted Saul’s army for 40 days before David arrived to slay him (1 Samuel 17:16). When Elijah fled from Jezebel, he traveled 40 days and 40 nights to Mt. Horeb (1 Kings 19:8). The number 40 also appears in the prophecies of Ezekiel (4:6; 29:11-13) and Jonah (3:4). In the New Testament, Jesus was tempted for 40 days and 40 nights (Matthew 4:2). There were 40 days between Jesus’ resurrection and ascension (Acts 1:3)." -(http://www.gotquestions.org/40-days-Bible.html)
Does this mean that 40 days and 40 nights is the period of sacrifice, period of test. A test of everything. I don't really want to give any meaning about it but what if God has planned this before I started sitting down on this tool, opened my netbook, listen to Jireh Lim's "Magkabilang Mundo", think about you, wait for 1:00am (which is the time of your flight), hear my grumbling stomach because I haven't had dinner yet. I wonder what are you thinking about, I wonder what's going thru your mind as you comfortably take your seat in the plane, I wonder if you wonder that I'm wondering how you are right now. What would it be like having no text messages and phone calls from you? I don't know what would be our means of communicating but whatever it's up to you. Does it take around 15 hours from the Philippines to the US?
THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS:
*40: (062415)
I slept at 2 and woke up at 7. I woke up at 7 not because of my "Ate duties", I woke up at 7 thinking about you. I woke up at 7 thinking why didn't I had dinner last night at 7. I woke up at 7 hoping that this 40 days and 40 nights would only feel like 7 days and 7 nights.
I didn't went back to sleep instead I attended to my household chores and did something extra like bathed the dogs and such. All to keep me distracted. I've talked to some friends about this and to some strangers as well. I don't know if these guy strangers just likes me or is it just them, the way they are, the way the think, and their point of view not a general point of view of men. Something I learned from asking people and talking to them about the situation, about you, about me, about this (No, not about us. Because sadly, there is no us.) Girls, they believe that it is possible to fall in love with someone like magic. You don't need numbers when feelings and emotions get involved. The quantity doesn't matter but the quality does. While guys, they believe that it is far way too impossible to have something special between two people with just a number of days. They say you can't love a person or even start falling for someone that easy. I don't know. Are girls just way too hopeless romantic or are just guys trying to be too masculine and such? Because my point in view on this would be that... Wait, do you remember that book you told me about. That story wherein the guy's soul transfers from one body to another and he meets this girl then withing just like 24 hours he fell in love with her. I asked you if you think it's possible to fall in love with just 24 hours and you said 'yes'. So am I really hopeless romantic or are their belief in love is just not as strong as mine? Or could be that you're hopeless romantic too. I don't know.
It's 11:00 pm. Haven't heard from you yet. I wonder which country are you at now and how much longer would it take for you to finally arrive there. And if you'd even contact me when you're already there, if I'd ever cross your mind. If you'd ever think about me, if you'd remember me, if you'd still know me, if... I don't know. (sigh) I mean, why am I even having this blog entry? Why did I even started this? Why am I even updating this? It pierced me that time when you told me that I don't even have to update you. When you called me clingy. When you told me that you'd be busy on my birthday. This is bullshit! I know from the very start that this is wrong then yet why did I still let this grow? I should've killed it from the beginning then it wouldn't be this way, then could I have been okay.
*39: (062515)
I stayed awake until the time you left. Yes, I was awake 'til 1:00am. I tried to sleep and woke up the time we would usually wake up, after lunch. Mom got a Viber call from her friend in Oregon, and I wonder when would I hear from you. I went with my mom to work, dined outside and went home. I constantly checked my social media accounts hoping to hear from you, but there was none. They say it takes about 15-18 hours of direct flight from Manila to The US. I still haven't heard anything from you. Night came and I was having some random chat with my friends on Viber, I tried to check your Viber and it says that you were last online around 7:33 I just don't know if it's am or pm. Did you really leave for the US? Or are you just somewhere around? I don't know. I wouldn't know. But sometimes I want to make stupid things like call your number just to check if it would ring. Are you on roaming or are you just roaming around? I left a video message on Skype, a simple countdown. I also sent the same countdown on your Viber. I didn't expect that you'd reply. You replied around 11:20pm and said "Salamat Wyn. I miss you" I replied, the message was delivered but not "seen" nor read or whatsoever by you. But it says that you're still online. I don't mind. A short and simple message meant a lot. At least now I know you're okay and that you still remember me and that you noticed my existence. I hope you're fine. Yes, I do like you a lot but I don't want us to be in a "love" relationship like boyfriend and girlfriend. I like you but I'd rather stay as your best friend and keep you forever.
*38 (062615)
It's already the 26th. Tomorrow marks your 23rd birthday. I don't know why am I still awake. I was planning for your birthday surprise over a week but then that call really made me feel like I poured with ice cold water continuously but I can't blame you. I know and I understand why you had to be away. I just want you to be happy, to be okay again. I wonder if she knows how lucky she really is that you have loved her so much even you've only been together for just a year, and maybe you still love her. If you'd be coming back and you want to start anew with her I'd be so much happy for you for having such a brave heart. I only want you happy even if it's not with me. Wow! I didn't know that the US is just 8 km from where I am. WTF?!? You fckin' kidding me!
*37 (062715)
Happy Birthday you bastard! I hope you die SOON! You hate being lied too but you enjoy lying to someone who trusts you. Wow! What a complete asshole you are. You're just fucking 6 km away right now and last online around 12:02md Fuck you! This countdown ends here right now! SHAME! I kept myself busy the whole day. I was thinking about if I should let those who know about you know about this. Went out with Kyra at SM North and Trinoma then stayed for a while at Fisher Mall, headed to my Star Magic class. You were supposed to be my "karga" because it hurts me that you left without even saying good bye. But I was wrong, it's still him that hurts me. And then I realized, maybe you're just some of the distractions along the way. I diverted everything just to get along with pain. After class Kate went to fetch me and we hang out at Cable Car Morato. I still didn't texted you nor call, no nothing. I checked it again and it says you were last active 44mins ago and that you're 8km away from where I am. I wonder where you are. I wonder why didn't you tell me. I wonder what's wrong, what went wrong? Would you still be back? Remember the time you told me "Bes, basta walang iwanan ha" but look who left. It was you. It wasn't me who left.
*38 (062815)
*37 (062915)
I received a very unexpected call from you. I thought you were already going to tell me that you didn't really leave and so on and so forth. And so it turned out that you really did left for the US for four days and that you just got back, literally just got home from the airport. We talked about it. And yes, as expected you stalked my Twitter. I find it very cute because all these years, in my five years on Twitter I have wondered if there would come to a point that a guy would actually take time and stalk my Tweets. There were so much dead air every now and then during our conversation. Your parents divorced and there it goes. Now I know why you were so pissed during the past few weeks. I missed you. I just really did. Then again you asked me if I love you and I still replied with "of course I do, you're my best friend". You replied with, "Enough with the best friend thing. Do you love me more than a friend? More than a best friend?" and I simply said "No." I still don't know why can't I just admit that I am falling for you. Is it because I think you're still not over your recent ex or was it because I just found out the other night that it still pains me so much until now on what my ex did to me. Tomorrow would be my ex's 27th birthday and I don't know. All I can remember is that this time last year I was finalizing things for his birthday. I loved how you told me "I missed you. I missed you so so so much and maybe even more than that." We almost argued. Again. I was so scared that you left just like that but thank God I'm wrong. You came back and never actually did left. God has His reasons.
*36 (063015)
You called me up in the middle of the night just to tell me about this Megan girl from Cali whom you met at the plane on your way back to The Philippines, you sounded so crazy about this girl and you even sent me a photo of her on Viber. I don't know what to feel. I feel like somewhat numb, maybe because I'm getting used with pain and being hurt. I don't want to lose you that's why I'm keeping you as my friend, best friend. I don't get it why you interfere so much with my moments on my Tinder account. So what if I would seem like a slut to those guys there? That's how they would treat me anyway. No one even ever treated me with much respect. Well, at first yet but in the long run, no. You kept on telling me that I'm not okay, that I give too much and leave nothing to myself, that I have a problem. You always tell me that I'm totally boyish and all. So what?!? This is me. I know you care but why does it seem to me like you're getting way beyond overboard. I mean, c'mon we're just friends, best friends and that's it. I like you but we can't be together. We hanged up, you were going to take a shower. I placed my mobile on silent mode and went back to writing my blog. Yes, it was intentional so that I won't be able to hear you call because I know that if I see your name flash on my mobile I'd hurriedly pick it up. It's time to stop this before it hurts me more. I have to kill this because it's not right. You called at 3:03am and I checked my phone by 3:20am. You texted "Gnyt", not the usual "Good night". You even called me clingy for the Nth time which is why I don't even want to text nor call you first. You even told me that you were exchanging text messages with this Megan when you woke up around 1pm. Okay, so this is how it starts when your best friend would be with that someone and you'd be just there at the corner. You keep on telling me that I'm boyish and a lesbo, but you also love to scold me about my photos. You texted at 10pm I didn't replied.
*35 (070115)
You called at 2am, normal talk. You told me that you went out to see Megan yesterday and you kept on talking about her. Kinda hurts but there's nothing I can do about it but be happy for you. I still think you're stalking my Twitter because you know that I just made a "Twerk it like Miley" video. You talked about your parents' break-up. I feel you. I don't really know how to comfort you, I don't know what can I do to help. But I always try y best to be there for you. You told me you love me, I forgot how it got to that point and I said "Of course you do we're friends" and you said, "Yes, best friends." I wish I could be there with you right now to hug you so tight and let you feel that one day everything will be okay, you'll be okay.
I didn't went back to sleep instead I attended to my household chores and did something extra like bathed the dogs and such. All to keep me distracted. I've talked to some friends about this and to some strangers as well. I don't know if these guy strangers just likes me or is it just them, the way they are, the way the think, and their point of view not a general point of view of men. Something I learned from asking people and talking to them about the situation, about you, about me, about this (No, not about us. Because sadly, there is no us.) Girls, they believe that it is possible to fall in love with someone like magic. You don't need numbers when feelings and emotions get involved. The quantity doesn't matter but the quality does. While guys, they believe that it is far way too impossible to have something special between two people with just a number of days. They say you can't love a person or even start falling for someone that easy. I don't know. Are girls just way too hopeless romantic or are just guys trying to be too masculine and such? Because my point in view on this would be that... Wait, do you remember that book you told me about. That story wherein the guy's soul transfers from one body to another and he meets this girl then withing just like 24 hours he fell in love with her. I asked you if you think it's possible to fall in love with just 24 hours and you said 'yes'. So am I really hopeless romantic or are their belief in love is just not as strong as mine? Or could be that you're hopeless romantic too. I don't know.
It's 11:00 pm. Haven't heard from you yet. I wonder which country are you at now and how much longer would it take for you to finally arrive there. And if you'd even contact me when you're already there, if I'd ever cross your mind. If you'd ever think about me, if you'd remember me, if you'd still know me, if... I don't know. (sigh) I mean, why am I even having this blog entry? Why did I even started this? Why am I even updating this? It pierced me that time when you told me that I don't even have to update you. When you called me clingy. When you told me that you'd be busy on my birthday. This is bullshit! I know from the very start that this is wrong then yet why did I still let this grow? I should've killed it from the beginning then it wouldn't be this way, then could I have been okay.
*39: (062515)
I stayed awake until the time you left. Yes, I was awake 'til 1:00am. I tried to sleep and woke up the time we would usually wake up, after lunch. Mom got a Viber call from her friend in Oregon, and I wonder when would I hear from you. I went with my mom to work, dined outside and went home. I constantly checked my social media accounts hoping to hear from you, but there was none. They say it takes about 15-18 hours of direct flight from Manila to The US. I still haven't heard anything from you. Night came and I was having some random chat with my friends on Viber, I tried to check your Viber and it says that you were last online around 7:33 I just don't know if it's am or pm. Did you really leave for the US? Or are you just somewhere around? I don't know. I wouldn't know. But sometimes I want to make stupid things like call your number just to check if it would ring. Are you on roaming or are you just roaming around? I left a video message on Skype, a simple countdown. I also sent the same countdown on your Viber. I didn't expect that you'd reply. You replied around 11:20pm and said "Salamat Wyn. I miss you" I replied, the message was delivered but not "seen" nor read or whatsoever by you. But it says that you're still online. I don't mind. A short and simple message meant a lot. At least now I know you're okay and that you still remember me and that you noticed my existence. I hope you're fine. Yes, I do like you a lot but I don't want us to be in a "love" relationship like boyfriend and girlfriend. I like you but I'd rather stay as your best friend and keep you forever.
*38 (062615)
It's already the 26th. Tomorrow marks your 23rd birthday. I don't know why am I still awake. I was planning for your birthday surprise over a week but then that call really made me feel like I poured with ice cold water continuously but I can't blame you. I know and I understand why you had to be away. I just want you to be happy, to be okay again. I wonder if she knows how lucky she really is that you have loved her so much even you've only been together for just a year, and maybe you still love her. If you'd be coming back and you want to start anew with her I'd be so much happy for you for having such a brave heart. I only want you happy even if it's not with me. Wow! I didn't know that the US is just 8 km from where I am. WTF?!? You fckin' kidding me!
*37 (062715)
Happy Birthday you bastard! I hope you die SOON! You hate being lied too but you enjoy lying to someone who trusts you. Wow! What a complete asshole you are. You're just fucking 6 km away right now and last online around 12:02md Fuck you! This countdown ends here right now! SHAME! I kept myself busy the whole day. I was thinking about if I should let those who know about you know about this. Went out with Kyra at SM North and Trinoma then stayed for a while at Fisher Mall, headed to my Star Magic class. You were supposed to be my "karga" because it hurts me that you left without even saying good bye. But I was wrong, it's still him that hurts me. And then I realized, maybe you're just some of the distractions along the way. I diverted everything just to get along with pain. After class Kate went to fetch me and we hang out at Cable Car Morato. I still didn't texted you nor call, no nothing. I checked it again and it says you were last active 44mins ago and that you're 8km away from where I am. I wonder where you are. I wonder why didn't you tell me. I wonder what's wrong, what went wrong? Would you still be back? Remember the time you told me "Bes, basta walang iwanan ha" but look who left. It was you. It wasn't me who left.
*38 (062815)
*37 (062915)
I received a very unexpected call from you. I thought you were already going to tell me that you didn't really leave and so on and so forth. And so it turned out that you really did left for the US for four days and that you just got back, literally just got home from the airport. We talked about it. And yes, as expected you stalked my Twitter. I find it very cute because all these years, in my five years on Twitter I have wondered if there would come to a point that a guy would actually take time and stalk my Tweets. There were so much dead air every now and then during our conversation. Your parents divorced and there it goes. Now I know why you were so pissed during the past few weeks. I missed you. I just really did. Then again you asked me if I love you and I still replied with "of course I do, you're my best friend". You replied with, "Enough with the best friend thing. Do you love me more than a friend? More than a best friend?" and I simply said "No." I still don't know why can't I just admit that I am falling for you. Is it because I think you're still not over your recent ex or was it because I just found out the other night that it still pains me so much until now on what my ex did to me. Tomorrow would be my ex's 27th birthday and I don't know. All I can remember is that this time last year I was finalizing things for his birthday. I loved how you told me "I missed you. I missed you so so so much and maybe even more than that." We almost argued. Again. I was so scared that you left just like that but thank God I'm wrong. You came back and never actually did left. God has His reasons.
*36 (063015)
You called me up in the middle of the night just to tell me about this Megan girl from Cali whom you met at the plane on your way back to The Philippines, you sounded so crazy about this girl and you even sent me a photo of her on Viber. I don't know what to feel. I feel like somewhat numb, maybe because I'm getting used with pain and being hurt. I don't want to lose you that's why I'm keeping you as my friend, best friend. I don't get it why you interfere so much with my moments on my Tinder account. So what if I would seem like a slut to those guys there? That's how they would treat me anyway. No one even ever treated me with much respect. Well, at first yet but in the long run, no. You kept on telling me that I'm not okay, that I give too much and leave nothing to myself, that I have a problem. You always tell me that I'm totally boyish and all. So what?!? This is me. I know you care but why does it seem to me like you're getting way beyond overboard. I mean, c'mon we're just friends, best friends and that's it. I like you but we can't be together. We hanged up, you were going to take a shower. I placed my mobile on silent mode and went back to writing my blog. Yes, it was intentional so that I won't be able to hear you call because I know that if I see your name flash on my mobile I'd hurriedly pick it up. It's time to stop this before it hurts me more. I have to kill this because it's not right. You called at 3:03am and I checked my phone by 3:20am. You texted "Gnyt", not the usual "Good night". You even called me clingy for the Nth time which is why I don't even want to text nor call you first. You even told me that you were exchanging text messages with this Megan when you woke up around 1pm. Okay, so this is how it starts when your best friend would be with that someone and you'd be just there at the corner. You keep on telling me that I'm boyish and a lesbo, but you also love to scold me about my photos. You texted at 10pm I didn't replied.
*35 (070115)
You called at 2am, normal talk. You told me that you went out to see Megan yesterday and you kept on talking about her. Kinda hurts but there's nothing I can do about it but be happy for you. I still think you're stalking my Twitter because you know that I just made a "Twerk it like Miley" video. You talked about your parents' break-up. I feel you. I don't really know how to comfort you, I don't know what can I do to help. But I always try y best to be there for you. You told me you love me, I forgot how it got to that point and I said "Of course you do we're friends" and you said, "Yes, best friends." I wish I could be there with you right now to hug you so tight and let you feel that one day everything will be okay, you'll be okay.
*34 (070215)
You called up in the middle of the night crying. Still broken. You took 3 tablets of methathione. I don't know what's got in to you. You said 'I love you' and I know it's as a friend, a best friend. I hope one day you'll be okay. I hope one day you'll e healed and be happy again.
You called up at 8am but I wasn't able to pick it up coz I was still asleep. You calle again by 10am and you were so angry because your ex texted you asking for your help. You told me that according to her she was at the bar last night, got drunk, lost her phone and money and went home to her apartment without her panties on and she can't remember what happened. You told me that you'll call the cops, head out to somewhere with your gun. I don't know. I just really don't know. I'm so tired being your diary, I'm getting tired of being here for you, I'm getting tired of falling for you when you're terribly broken and knowing that when I completely fall for you I'll just end up hurt. All I can do is to be here for you. That's is. That's all. I just don't know why.
You kept on calling and updating me. I find it cute. But you still keep on blabbing about Megan.
*33 (070315)
We talked as usual. I can't really remember what. But what I remember was that I think you said "I love you" when we hang up. I think. That's what I heard. But...
You called me around 8pm and told me tht you're going to URBN and you'll be with the gang. Saw you there with your friends but I was tipsy and drunk and all. Why is it that I can't still tell you how I feel when I'm already drunk. You texted me that you're taking care of someone. I don't know if you're referring to your friends or Megan was there. I don't know. And so I got more beer to drown myself with. I like you I really do and it pains me.
*32 (070415)
I partially remember what I did. All I know is that I kissed random cute guys when you left. You texted me asking if there's anything wrong while I was at Makati with my friends asking if I was mad at you. I didn't replied. You didn't call me.
*31 (070515)
I went home around 2 or 3am still haven't heard from you again. I think you're busy with your Megan. SHT! I just want an escape, an escape from my feelings for you. I still feel the pain, I don't know why. I know I shouldn't.
*30 (070615)
You called on Viber and we talked for an hour. I don't know and you stalked my Twitter again. You acted weird. Really weird I don't know if it's real or jut a joke. You even saw the photo I post with my Star Magic friends and you said, "barilin ko yang mga yan eh" so funny. So kilig but I don't know. So crazy. You woke up earlier than usual around 10:40am. Texted for few hours and so. Bugged me around during the night until midnight.
*29 (070715)
You said you can't sleep without hearing my voice first and pissing me off and so you did. You kept on saying "love you bes". You're really weird. I don't get you. We exchanged text messages for a while. You enrolled at school and I went to school. I went out with Agnetha. You updated me. Your one-line reply has been going on since yesterday and I'm starting to get pissed so I didn't replied.
*28 (070815)
I slept last night around 12md. You didn't texted nor called so I'm thinking you were busy. I was suppose to get up by midnight and review but I was too sleepy so I've decided to sleep instead of taking a nap. I kept on dreaming about my mobile phone and your name flashing on it. Maybe because I got used with it I thought, and so I woke up around 5:40am thinking I won't have a text nor missed call from you and to my surprise you called at 12:30am.
You texted and called at 3pm you went to the gym. Updated me that you're home before 6pm. Sent me photos of you getting fit. So proud of you. You suddenly didn't replied. You told me that you're going to change your number and that you're going to update me. You asked me where would I be this Friday because you're planning to go to Tagaytay. Dad went to see me.
*27 (070915)
Tried to wait for your text or call but didn't received any. I slept around 5am but still nothing. I woke up and checked my phone still nothing from you. I wonder how you are. You texted me that you were just kinda busy and we talked on the phone before you went to the gym. I watched 'The Breakup Playlist' with mom. You told me that I don't know how to set my grounds, that I always give in. I think I'm beginning to notice these kind of things I possess whenever I like and most especially love someone. I always tend to give everything. I always forget about myself.
*26 (071015)
You called up at midnight but I forgot I turned my phone on mute mode. We texted and you updated me. You said there's this girl at the gym who wants to bang with you and I said go for it. I don't feel anything anymore. It's like I killed my likeness towards you. I care about you and I love you because you're my best friend. I went to Megamall with my Star Magic classmates you called me around 6pm told me that you got home from the gym and the bang happened in your car. And that you're going to URBN and wanted to grab some drinks. I know you're still not okay. I hope one day that smile on your face would come naturally. Before you hanged up the phone you kept on saying I love you. I feel kinda awkward to say I love you not because I really love you. Yes, I love you but I'm not in love with you there's a difference. I feel kinda awkward to say I love you because it might get misinterpreted. And we hanged up.
*25 (071115)
You called up at 3am asking me where I was. I was on my way home and you were still at URBN. I don't know why you called, you were ranting over things as usual. But I don't mind. I don't want you to feel alone because I know that feeling, it's like hell to feel alone. To feel like no one's there for you whenever you need someone to listen or to talk to. You're still not over her and the fact that she somewhat cheated on you. In time you'll heal and accept the things that happened. One day you'll be able to smile again maybe not completely but you'll surely be happy and smile again. One day everything and every feeling would just seem to be like a dream and that person would seem like just a part of a dream. I won't leave you. I feel used honestly I do because you just text or call me whenever you feel sad or alone. But somehow I know it helps you a lot. I want and need to be there for you all the time because again, I know how it feels. I know there's a possibility that when you're already okay you'll just leave as fast as a snap of a finger and forget about me. It's not really okay but it's okay as long as you get back up that's what matters most.
You called me up around 1 or 2pm and kept on ranting why was I the only girl last night while all of my friends are guys. Blah blah blah. You kept on ranting. And you remembered what happened to your ex blah blah blah. You were scolding me as usual. Then no texts nor calls even until midnight.
*24 (071215)
I was busy tweeting and suddely I saw you tweeted "you chose your friend and you chose to break my heart". It's still her and it's okay because I already have killed my feelings for you. Then you favorited one of my tweets and called. I know you're not okay but you keep on denying it. I don't know how to help you anymore. No one can help you now but yourself. And after that no text nor call from you.
*23 (071315)
No text nor call from you but I don't mind I'm good.
*22 (071415)
I was doing great then sunddenly you called me up right after Walden and I finished playing at Timezone. You said you'd call later 'coz you can't hear me clearly. You said you called because you're going to tell me about something.
Night came and wasn't expecting you'd call again. You called me up when I was out at Harbor Square with dad and so you told me that you had your haircut like super undercut and that you're going to school tomorrow. You apologized for not texting or calling me because you said you're busy. I don't mind. I asked you to promise me you're going to sleep by 12md. You rang my phone at 12md and I texted you that I just got home and said goodnight. You said goodnight a well. I can't feel how I feel like the first day no more. I think I have finally killed my likeness towards you and that I see you now only as a friend. Nothing more, nothing less.
*21 (071515)
No text nor call from you. I slept early, I slept around 8pm. Even though I almost deeply fell for you I'm really glad that I have you as a best friend. Even if you won't listen to my dramas, and even if you don't even understand me. Most of all een if you won't be there for me whenever I need someone who'd listen and be there for me.
*20 (071615)
I woke up earlier than usual. I woke up at 5:30am. My baby Waldo died 💔 you called up at 12nn but my phone was on silent and I called you up at 3pm but you kept dropping the call.
*19 (071715)
No calls nor texts
*18 (071815)
No calls nor texts
*17 (071915)
I ended the countdown here. I end it here! But once in a while you'd still call and text. I don't know. I want to stop this. How? Am I diving ito that rabbit hole again? And one day you called, I tried to ignore it but I can't resist. So then, I picked up the phone and we talked. I think you're tying to get it that I'm slowly moving apart from you. I hate it. Can you just be back when I'm no longer stuck in this insanity? So that I can be normal again and not so awkward.
/CJ/
(JUNE 2015)
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