Scarred and scared

We've all been through the pain of loving.  May it be loving someone who can't love us back, been lied to, cheated on, or even by that TV or anime series that just  broke our hearts. A pinch of pain may have a domino effect that would greatly affect us for life unknowingly, from  a simple thing down to the greatest one. You cannot blame anyone for being who they are right now, how they appear to be, speak, and even those nuisances that they  have. Most people would beg off  to talk about their past and some would love to anyway; most likely the saying "it's all in the  past" explains it. Let's not live and be stuck in the past. We may get to remember it once in a while to be reminded  of how and why things are what they are in the present.

It is definite that I'd rather be the one who's hurting and may seem rude or evil in the eyes of everyone rather than those who are important to me.

I'm the girl who loves to party almost every other day or week and with a snap of a finger can stay home for a month or two reading history books. Not to mention papyrophilia, bibliophile, ambivert, a hopeless romantic freak who loves to scribble down her thoughts. I flirt a lot but when I commit believe me it's for real. When I'm so into someone seeing them from a distance simply completes me, most definitely. I have tons of crush but my heart is currently in love with the idea of being in love. I fall easily and hurt deeply, I have this bad habit of trusting people easily but doubt every word they say. I'm complicated like that. But one thing I know is for sure, those people who became a part of my life and whom I have in my life right now may it be an acquaintance, friend, or any other, they'll always have me. Behind this girl who acts bitchy and shitty is a girl who can love you deeply. A girl who had her heart broken for numerous times in her lifetime but still manages to love truly with no regrets. No she's not who you think she is. She's not who she used to be and definitely not who she's supposed to be. She is pretty much stubborn and more so, she hides behind those perfect smiles. There is complete imperfection behind it. She gets tired from starting back to zero, starting once again from scratch. To what's your name, phone number, likes and dislikes down to I love you and getting into a relationship pouring her heart out.

What's the thing about falling in love and getting into a relationship is that you get hurt. So basically I'm just riddled with scars; don't worry hurting my feelings because I've been left in the dark so many times that I've grown to expect it. When I unintentionally hurt you the other way around, I'm sorry but I'm not really ignoring you I am just protecting my heart. I am not scared with commitment because I know for myself that I am most definitely faithful. But not right now, not yet, I am not ready yet. Honestly, I haven't really healed yet and I am not into something serious again, not yet and not so soon but maybe in time.

I don't regret letting all the serious and good ones go because I'm just simply not ready. I want to be fair, people deserve that. I don't want anyone to love me though they aren't expecting anything in return because we all deserve to be loved back, I won't hurt nor break anyone apart just because someone devastatingly tore me to pieces. What I am doing right now is distancing myself whenever I start to catch feelings and keep mum about it and most of the time be sweet towards someone who's sweet as candy too. Yet, I don't sugar-coat things; reciprocate the sweetness but don't fall for me because I won't fall for you. For now, just don't expect anything serious or real from me. I am not heartless my heart is just too fragile to let it take the risk again. This is me speaking from the depth of my broken heart.

(RE-OCCURRING DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY) 
*I keep this updated whenever I'm on the verge of it to try to save myself for the Nth time