Crowd Funding

https://gogetfunding.com/help-me-reach-my-dream-4/

Hello everyone, I’m Winona De Leon from the Philippines. My parents have been separated since I was 4. My mom has raised me and two other brothers alone without any support from my dad. He would only give us money for allowance and visits us whenever he remembers. We left my dad because of domestic violence and being a womanizer until now. My mom, together with my brothers and I, and sometimes with relatives who have no shelter at the moment lives in a 25sqm house. My grandfather who is supporting for my education can no longer sustain the tuition, and because of the things that is happening in my life, I've always aimed higher and did my very best in everything. What are the chances left of me if I don’t make the most of myself now?

I recently got an unconditional offer to study Humanities and Law for my Foundation Year at INTO City University, London on the 5th of December 2016. I was granted for January intake but due to some circumstances even though it's difficult to request the university to defer the offer until September 2017, I did. Luckily, they gave me another chance for the same offer but this is my last straw making it there. The cost of my school cannot be covered by my mom nor my grandfather because my mom’s income is insufficient, I still have two brothers who are studying. She is the breadwinner of the family and has been helping out her dad and her brothers since her mom passed away on 2000 from ovarian cancer and her sister on 2006 from lung cancer. My grandfather has been diagnosed with diabetes few years ago. I have rendered 3 years of service to the government as a youth leader and was elected as a president of my district; represented the youth with the National Youth Leader of the country in one of the meetings. Together with my colleagues and the help of others I have organized several activities for children in the slum areas to name a few are evangelical missions, theater workshops, environmental awareness, livelihood, sports-fest, and soup chicken. Participated in both International and Local conventions and conferences (ASEAN Showcase, Paralegal Training to help Labor Unions of the marginalized society especially those below the poverty line, Public Speaking Program, Global Youth Forum, Global Peace Convention, Global Youth Summit, and ASEAN Youth Summit). I also have completed a certification course in International Relations and Diplomacy, finished my TESOL and TEFL training on 2016. I am continually engaging myself in such conventions and have been doing my online courses on Future Learn (Lessons and Legacy of the First World War--UNSW Australia, European Culture and Politics--University of Groningen Netherlands, Empire--University of Exeter UK, Super Powers of the Ancient World--University of Liverpool UK) and Alison Courses (Diploma in EU Public Procurement and Diploma in Legal Studies) and few more to go because there's a wealth of knowledge for me to take advantage on for a willful empowerment.

All the documents needed are ready (IELTS with the score 6.5, school records, certificates, valid passport, valid IDs) except the tuition and medical certificate for the visa. Financial need is the only thing that stands in my way to reach my dream. London is where my aspirations and goals are leading to. In the long run, my end goal is to become an International Lawyer. I have also been looking into scholarships to cover the university fees. In order to study at the university I need to pay an amount of £28,381.95 inclusive of tuition, books, insurance, and accommodation. So, I need your help in order to continue with my education and reach my dream. Donation of any amount you make will change my life. Please help me raise money. I will give back to the universe what the universe has brought me. I don’t want to let go of my dream. Thank you so much!

_________________________________________________________________________________Tuition is £28,381.95 converted to USD is $35,520.07 and in PHP is 1,781,293.82

For those who do not have Paypal account:

BANK NAME: BDO (Banco de Oro) Unibank Inc., Philippines

ACCOUNT NAME: Wendy Villacorta De Leon

ACCOUNT NUMBER: 393-000-6760

Savings Account

SWIFT CODE: BNORPHMM

BANK ADDRESS: BDO Corporate Center 7899 Makati Avenue, Makati City, Philippines

Again, thank you so much!

This is my story

Taking the blame since I was a kid. Maybe if I didn't hold on tight to my mom's womb when she rode a roller coaster not knowing she was two months pregnant, maybe then things were better. She wouldn't have had to marry dad, live with him for five years and taking all those physical, mental, emotional abuses dad gave her throughout those years. Mom would have gone off to the US when her aunt wanted to take her there for a better future, she could've married the love of her life. Her life would've been so much better if I wasn't born at all. But no, she chose not to abort me and face all the fears and troubles. She suffered dad's violence because she didn't want me to grow up in a broken home and bore my brother three years later. Things got worse and still they broke up. She wasn't able to join her aunt in the US, fearing that she won't be there to witness the milestones of our lives. She wasn't able to end up with the love of her life because as soon as that guy found out she already has a family, the guy flee to Thailand and is now married with three kids. I still blame myself for everything, I blame myself for existing. The turn of events could've been totally different and my parent's life, especially my mom's could've been so much better. But growing up I became worse and worse every day, I try to be okay but depression kicks in every time. It comes without warning, the pain and sadness just doesn't go away. Every day, every night I can still hear voices in my head. The screams, pictures of scenarios that came to be, flashbacks, laughs, cries, everything. I feel like my mind is about to explode. Sometimes I think I hear my conscience talking to me, trying to comfort me but a different side of me drives me to the dark. I can't stand it every time my parent's would argue over the phone because of dad's irresponsible acts and lies. I remember when we were still living with that and I would see them argue that turns to physical violence, I would hit my head on the wall when I'm left alone and constantly think of killing myself at a young age. I told no one about it even until now, I don't want anyone to know because no one would ever understand. Mom and dad frequently raises their voices at each other because dad isn't and has never been a real dad to me and my brother, he would just offer financial and moral support whenever he feels like it. In most days, he doesn't. He loves us, he says he does. Sometimes we feel it but most of the time we don't, not at all. When it's that time of the year to pay for our school expenses that's when they were most likely to fight-- screams, curses, blackmails, and everything. I can't stand it that's when I started hurting myself more. The emotional pain is unbearable and so I resort to diverting it to physical pain. 

I can clearly recall when I was in grade school, I sharpened my crayons with a pencil sharpener, gathered it, crushed it, and mixed it with ethyl alcohol until it becomes liquefied with it and drank it. Nothing severe happened but I felt it getting down my throat and into my stomach. Even tried drinking the baby cologne which they gave for me to use in school and smell good. Thinking that maybe then if I drink it, it would not only make me smell good but make me feel good casting the worries away. Same result as the one with the crayons. Years past and each day, each week, every month, every year I would find ways to kill myself and actually executing it. Gulped shampoo, bleach used for white clothes and cleaning the house. Nothing. Growing up I tried to protect my brother from being hurt because I don't want him ending up like me but people are just so cruel, it killed me when we grew apart even though we were living under one roof because of his girlfriend when he was a sophomore in high school. He was my constant physical reminder not to do such things and most times whenever I see him, I retreat from the deed and the thought itself. Yet things keep getting worse. The pain is too much to bear, I find comfort in hurting myself. Sometimes burning my fingers with the fire from a lighted candle stick. Suffocating myself literally. The blade has become my best friend for several years, I slit my wrist as deep and as often as I can. It made me feel okay right after. Seeing the blood dripping from my arm, my wrist, it makes me feel better and I can't stop hurting myself. 

Having constant thoughts and curiosity of how it feels like if I jump off a running public vehicle or jumping off a building, welcoming the train by jumping off in front of it, jumping off the ship and letting myself drown in the ocean, electrocuting myself, purposely having myself hit by a car or a truck. These thoughts never seem to rest even until now. I still wonder, what if? And sometimes apart from killing myself, I wonder how it would it feel like killing an animal or a person. I don't entertain these thoughts so much because I love animals and I love a limited number of people and when these through creep in I run away and let myself be alone and escape the thought of it. I try to contain myself every time because I don't really want to die, I want to be understood which is by far the most impossible thing I can ever think of happening. I have had this irregular heartbeat since I was young which both my parents doesn't even really care about until now which explains why I never came to see any doctor to have it checked or anything. I have an eight star tattoo behind my right ear. Yes, behind my right ear wherein it's all boney. They think it hurts because it's all boney but honestly I didn't feel any pain throughout the process, I love the feeling on the pointy stainless needle caressing my skin and the blood coming out. Closest I ever got to successfully killing myself is when I overdosed from sixty pieces of Bayer aspirin 200mg. Every suicide is being planned from point A to Z. It takes time to study what, how, and why such a thing why not the other? It was timely because the guy whom I trust cheated on me despite him knowing I have serious trust issues. I hate it until now that they think the only reason why I did it was because of him. NO! You're completely mistaken. Behind every suicide act involves a lot of pain moreover, a number of people involved. He's not the only reason, all of you are the reason why and the very reason is myself. I hate myself at the same time that I love myself unconditionally. I love myself unconditionally enough to let myself still feel and suffer from all the pain there is. 

All you see are my fake smiles, laugh, happiness. You think I'm okay? I'm not. I'm so done, so done with life. Yet I try to find reasons to live even though I can barely find one. I cared too much and still care too much for people but it's a one way street. I often catch myself with tears in my eyes I don't even know why, I lose interest doing old hobbies and even talking to people, I'm starving but I don't feel like eating anything at all. It's becoming alarming but because no one knows then it will result to a silent death-- a sudden death. The expected happening unexpectedly. I cry out for help, all the time. I sent hints and even came to a point where I made things obvious that I'm drowning in sorrow. Yet no one hears me, they see me then they look away. Even my whole family, my parents -- they've always been aware of this but never really cared enough. I've been vocal about this because I'm being alarmed by my own behavior but what do they do about it? They shrug me off EVERY TIME or they'd rather be on their phone connecting themselves to someone distant and never really hearing me out. They care but not enough to believe me. When I got back into consciousness at the hospital they both gave me this melancholic look like they are there for me but they don't understand me. They know things but they choose to not do something about it. They've always pampered me but never heard my cry. They saw and heard me literally cry yet ignored it on purpose. I'm sending signals here like I've always been yet they were never alarmed about it not even after the close enough succeeded suicide. What they see and know is just the tip of the iceberg, they never really want to know why. Are they scared? Oh I bet they are and I know it hurts them too but what is there really left to do when your parents won't even care? I remember I had a talk with mom before, she told me that I should stop needing people when others need me too. She told me to grow up. Like seriously mom? You have no idea at all how it feels like dealing with this alone all these years even until now. And dad? He doesn't care at all. He just needs me whenever he's with his "girls" and when I need to cover up for him for messing around and ditching dates and stuff. If mom has no idea, dad is the one who doesn't give a fuck about it at all. My brothers? I love them more than I do love my parents but I'm sure they'll be fine without me. Wyeth and I have drifted apart because of his ex girlfriend when he was in high school. He was my best friend, he has always been there for me not until that time and then I completely had no one. Walden? He's too young to know about things but I can feel that he feels my heartbreaking all the time. I fucked up at being a daughter, a sister, a student, a friend, everything. I failed at simply existing. I have failed everyone including myself still I try to move on and be okay.

I'm at that point in life again where I don't even know why I still choose to breathe. Leaving this place, getting into a great university abroad, starting a new life, and helping out my family is my last straw in life. And everyone thinks I'm overreacting about it? NO ONE UNDERSTANDS! NOT EVEN A SINGLE SOUL DOES! I used to have people who talked to me constantly and used to be my motivators and support system but what happens? In the end they always get tired of it and leave. Yeap, I'm always being left. Alone. Always. This explains why when I love someone I pour into it and they say I'm too much. I love myself, I love myself enough to be numb to not let anyone hurt me ever again. The first stage of this is when I speak less put on a straight face until I can't feel anything anymore. Numb. If only I could live without a heart probably my life would be 100% awesome, if only I can I would. Here I go again, tears falling from my eyes without any reason, me feeling numb, me not caring about anything-- lost. What's even the point of talking to anyone when they would always shut you out and utter words like they mean it. Does anyone ever really understand me? How can that even be possible when I don't understand myself at all. If only people would stop pretending, if only people would pay more attention and care even just a bit. If only...

Most of the time I daydream about my wake, my funeral where a lot of people would surely claim they miss me and love me. Tell stories of how we met, memories-- they're always good to look back at especially when they're all you've got. The day where everyone loves you. What's the difference of dying by natural death or sickness compared to suicide is that the latter is unknown and the second one, well... it also unknown but not to the person itself. It was well-rehearsed in their mind, well-planned. And the thing is, this is just happens a bit early than scheduled. Unexpectedly. Uncertainty. But isn't how life works? Have you ever really though what if all these people at the funeral claiming they love me actually gave a spare time to understand me, then maybe at least I couldn't have resorted to this. I feel nothing, I want to know if there's really life after death. What happens and where do we really go after that total darkness from our vision, after that peaceful last breath we take, after not feeling our earthly body? Where do we go from here? Maybe uncertainty of the afterlife is better than the certainty of feeling everything all at once. 

Scarred and scared

We've all been through the pain of loving.  May it be loving someone who can't love us back, been lied to, cheated on, or even by that TV or anime series that just  broke our hearts. A pinch of pain may have a domino effect that would greatly affect us for life unknowingly, from  a simple thing down to the greatest one. You cannot blame anyone for being who they are right now, how they appear to be, speak, and even those nuisances that they  have. Most people would beg off  to talk about their past and some would love to anyway; most likely the saying "it's all in the  past" explains it. Let's not live and be stuck in the past. We may get to remember it once in a while to be reminded  of how and why things are what they are in the present.

It is definite that I'd rather be the one who's hurting and may seem rude or evil in the eyes of everyone rather than those who are important to me.

I'm the girl who loves to party almost every other day or week and with a snap of a finger can stay home for a month or two reading history books. Not to mention papyrophilia, bibliophile, ambivert, a hopeless romantic freak who loves to scribble down her thoughts. I flirt a lot but when I commit believe me it's for real. When I'm so into someone seeing them from a distance simply completes me, most definitely. I have tons of crush but my heart is currently in love with the idea of being in love. I fall easily and hurt deeply, I have this bad habit of trusting people easily but doubt every word they say. I'm complicated like that. But one thing I know is for sure, those people who became a part of my life and whom I have in my life right now may it be an acquaintance, friend, or any other, they'll always have me. Behind this girl who acts bitchy and shitty is a girl who can love you deeply. A girl who had her heart broken for numerous times in her lifetime but still manages to love truly with no regrets. No she's not who you think she is. She's not who she used to be and definitely not who she's supposed to be. She is pretty much stubborn and more so, she hides behind those perfect smiles. There is complete imperfection behind it. She gets tired from starting back to zero, starting once again from scratch. To what's your name, phone number, likes and dislikes down to I love you and getting into a relationship pouring her heart out.

What's the thing about falling in love and getting into a relationship is that you get hurt. So basically I'm just riddled with scars; don't worry hurting my feelings because I've been left in the dark so many times that I've grown to expect it. When I unintentionally hurt you the other way around, I'm sorry but I'm not really ignoring you I am just protecting my heart. I am not scared with commitment because I know for myself that I am most definitely faithful. But not right now, not yet, I am not ready yet. Honestly, I haven't really healed yet and I am not into something serious again, not yet and not so soon but maybe in time.

I don't regret letting all the serious and good ones go because I'm just simply not ready. I want to be fair, people deserve that. I don't want anyone to love me though they aren't expecting anything in return because we all deserve to be loved back, I won't hurt nor break anyone apart just because someone devastatingly tore me to pieces. What I am doing right now is distancing myself whenever I start to catch feelings and keep mum about it and most of the time be sweet towards someone who's sweet as candy too. Yet, I don't sugar-coat things; reciprocate the sweetness but don't fall for me because I won't fall for you. For now, just don't expect anything serious or real from me. I am not heartless my heart is just too fragile to let it take the risk again. This is me speaking from the depth of my broken heart.

(RE-OCCURRING DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY) 
*I keep this updated whenever I'm on the verge of it to try to save myself for the Nth time

Halt

When all of a sudden you've somehow healed from the inside, the pain and all the heartaches now left in the past and are just memories of what was once a forever. You've awaken, awaken from the fact that there is more to life than the devastation you've gone through. You have finally realized that life is indeed amazing more than ever. Here you are living the life you once had and even better you're stronger and wiser than you were before. Resurrected from the crippled past and now running in the meadow with a happy sunset view passing through the mountains. All you know was that you were living the life you missed, the life you wished, and the life that is now back in the palm of your hands. You're are now back on track; no detours this time. You're now doing just fine, you have accepted it, done letting go and now moving on, moving forward and no turning back. Then was tragedy but now viola! No, it's not magic that made me okay but by God's grace and by the love of those people who unconditionally loves me. Then unexpectedly comes along this complete stranger whom you thought just for once was same as all the others that you'd have some couple of talks with, getting to know for quite sometime and that's it he'll eventually be out of your life. And maybe the other part, wherein he'd stay for a while in your life as a friend and that's it, or maybe at times some sort of a suitor. But no, he was never categorized in any of those, he went straight to this special place that has been locked for how many months now and maybe for a year.

It was nice having an on-going conversation with him, we've talked about almost everything. It felt like we've known each other for so long, phone calls went on for hours. He kept on teasing me every now and then. He talks about random girls who seem to like him and he somehow likes back. It pains me at first but what can I do? This growing feeling should stop, killed, burned, buried, left, and forgotten. Because this would end up tragically and I don't want to take the risk of admitting my feelings to him there are only two possible outcome. First, he'd say it back and second he'd say that he doesn't feel the same and everything would be too awkward from then on. Am I that sure that I've gotten over that one person whom I loved so much? I got hurt but I don't want to revenge and hurt anyone too just because I had been broken. This was not my intention. It wasn't supposed to be this way, it went way beyond overboard. I didn't want you to feel alone because I know how hurtful and depressing it is. I've been there, I know. How your world fell apart unexpectedly killing billions of love you have in that crystal heart, loving someone who betrayed you. And the foundation even got weak and deteriorated, nothing was left but broken pieces. Ashes, dust, picking up even just a piece would completely hurt you even more. It's not easy to start from scratch when you've invested everything into it your whole life but you have no other way. At times I don't understand you anymore but I still do. Your invisibility made you visible to me. I see you behind your imperfections. How can someone so genuine deserve such crap? I don't want to take the risk because I don't want to lose you, I don't want to lose us, I don't want to lose the friendship that we have. I am ready for war and I left everything white behind because ceasing is never my thing. I fight whether it's wrong or right. I'd go on drills even alone. You see? It's not the war that scares me, it's when I'm the only left in the battlefield while my troops already gave up. I'd die for them to live; I'd die for love. But at this point in time, you're much worth the battle but let's just keep it this way. It's much better this way. Friends. Best friends. It's when I commanded my heart to halt.

/CJ/
(JUNE 2015)

Where it all rooted from

You never listen to people’s words - you listen to their actions. Promises mean nothing to you, neither do intentions. You learned at a very young age that it’s not the thought that counts. The “I Iove yous” and “I miss yous” and the “for better or for worse” don’t mean a thing unless they’re executed through actions: The being there. The showing up for someone. You don’t care about the, “but baby deep down you know that I love you..” No. People actually have to show you they care to win your heart.

You don’t flinch when people ask about your parents. You have memorized the script back and forth. You have dealt with trust issues for as long as you can remember. Yeah, you don’t want the cliché labels: The one with abandonment issues. The one who keeps you at a distance. The one looking to fill a void. You don’t need anyone’s sympathy. You don’t want anyone’s pity - so you will always try to keep this part of you hidden, it’s just a part of you, but a part that’s still alive and well, comfortable in its home in your bones, a tiny inkling that you need to fight every time someone tries to get close to you nevertheless.

At the same time, love scares you. When you finally start to feel safe with someone, you question it. How can you not? You’ve seen firsthand how even true love can break into a million pieces, bringing out the worst in people. How fireworks eventually combust, how commitment breaks like glass, how people promise to be there until "death do them part," for "better or for worse," but promises don’t mean a thing.

So you put up a shield you spent years crafting - it’s a strong shield, preparing you for the worst. Abandonment is your worst nightmare, because you’ve seen how no matter how much someone may love you, they can leave. And that is the most terrifying thing you have ever learned. If the one relationship you needed to work more than anything fell apart, it’s fair game for any other relationship to break. For anyone else to decide it’s not worth it. For anyone else to decide you’re not worth it.

It broke your heart to see your parents in pain. You’ve seen them in their most vulnerable states - you’ve seen the fights leaving them burned and confused, so you’ve made a promise to never let yourself be in that state. No matter how much you love someone, you’re incredibly uncomfortable letting them see your most vulnerable parts. You do it for protection.

When you do let someone in, it’s hard for you to not try to control the relationship, to not have anxiety every time they don’t respond to your calls when they’re out - “Let it go. You’re worrying for nothing” you reassure yourself. But anxiety always seems to win.

You have a big fear of the unknown. So you compensate. You’re driven, you’re unapologetic. You relish in your independence, you go after what you want - fearlessly, without caring about the approval of others. You will seem bulletproof. The people who have have experienced the most pain always do. You know you can’t control other people, but you also know that there's always a silver lining. Even the worst situation or event have a positive aspect. For you, it’s your drive and empathy.

When you do love, you love unconditionally. You will give your partner all of your love and effort as a way to keep the flame alive. You want it to last. There’s still a part of you that won’t ever stop fighting for true love, a small part, but a part you'll do anything to hang on to nevertheless.

Credit: Anna Bashkova

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I came across this post on Facebook and it brought me back all the memories of the past. All this time, all these years that I seem to be whole and happy, deep inside it still hurts and haunts me. Even until now whenever I see a complete and happy family anywhere I cannot deny that there's pain. That somehow I still hope they're together, that the story of our family was different than how it really is. I still envy all those people, especially my friends who are living under one roof with both parents and with  their siblings. Why? Because I still wonder how it feels like growing up with my dad by my side, wish he wasn't a womanizer. How I wish he never hurt mom, how I wish they don't clash that much. How I wish  that love could've prevailed, how I wish we were still all together. I miss those late night talks with both mom and dad just before praying and closing our eyes on how my day went, what I did in school, what my friends and I talked about. About my dreams and aspirations,  my insights on random things, talk about God, about love. I was four years old when they separated. I barely have a memory of a happy childhood. What I miss the most is when we dine on the roof of the second floor (we live on the third floor of my grandparents house, in our ancestral compound). Dad prepares the dining area on the roof while mom prepares the food, as I'm much excited to get my toddler chair, pass across the window and cross that plank to the roof. Late nights and movie; dinner on the roof with the stars above us. I remember how subtle mom was, how cheerful dad was, and most of all how happy I was. I would forever love lying on the ground and just watch the stars with the bright full moon. How we pray to God every night, how they both read me bedtime stories and kiss me good night. How they constantly reassure me that they love me, from how mom prepares me to school and dad brings me to the school bus. They were both always there for me throughout my Kinder school days, in every artwork, birthday, school plays, moving-up, name all of it. I learned how to do household chores because mom teaches me, I began to love eating pasta without any sauce, quaker oats, hard boiled egg  because dad eats them. I loved eating rice with salt sprinkled on it because grandma does it, and have fruits right after every meal because grandpa loves it. 

I often question myself if these things really happened because it's so different from how it is now. Mom began to be grumpy even on the slightest things, and dad rarely spends quality time with me and my brother Wyeth. All I know is that one day I woke up and it was just like a fairy tale then I had to face the sad reality that we're no longer together. I had to accept the fact that they have parted ways  and I had to go with mom. I remember that night when we were packing our things while dad was fast asleep, how pitiful mom looked like with all these bruises and hematoma, that red Popeye shirt with blue sleeves and purple basket with pink handle are the ones that would remind me so much of that night and my childhood summed up. I soon went to a new school and watched all these girls being fetched by their parents while giving them a huge warm huge  as soon as they get to them. I was in one of those corners silently watching them as I wait for either my mom nor my dad, but never both of  them. Mom is usually the one who's always present  in all my school activities and dad rarely comes to participate, most of the time he doesn't show up. I'm lucky enough if he joins us on school's Family Day or whatever event. It came to a point wherein I would hear them argue over the phone because of my tuition fee, they were screaming at each other, exchanging hurtful words, cursing, raising their voices. I couldn't bear the pain, it was too much. I can't take it, I love them both unconditionally and with that self-harm became my most elaborated method of love. The bruises on my body, every scar I have is not because of some guy (to whom most would've been the cause and reason of such), it was because of them. Until now, sometimes, it still somehow  eases me when the emotional pain is too much to bear, I resort to transferring it to physical pain. Maybe that's the reason why whenever I hit the ground, hurt myself for some instance, or any kind of pain that could be physically felt no longer bothers me. I became immune and numb with pain as I grew up, I've learned how to endure it. 

Dad was there when I graduated grade school as well as when my brother graduated grade school three  years after I did. Unfortunately, he was nowhere to be found when we graduated high school, even when we were scouting to which university we would be enrolling for in college. I wonder how my life looked like if we were still complete and happy. Could it be possible that we go on Sunday strolls after attending mass? Could me and brother be happier? Could we be full of love? Could I not be afraid of taking risks especially when it comes to love and commitment? Could we never have these trust issues? Could have we achieved more than we had? I wonder how it feels like growing up with a complete family, and I know I would never stop wondering what could have been, what might have been if things were different. I've always struggled with letting people in. I've ruined every relationship before it could even begin. I can never let myself trust because I am always preparing for the inevitable goodbye. I hate crying in front of people. I don't always share my concerns or problems to anyone because I don't want them to know that I am hurt, and for me, being hurt has always been the equivalent of being weak . I'm not asking for anyone's attention, I don't want anyone to pity me. I want to talk about what happened and why am I like this, somehow I've found a way on how to tell the story without reopening the wounds it caused. I often stare blankly into space while my heart is breaking into pieces, I'm done crying. Or at least, I think I am; my heart has scars that would never seem to heal. I'm scared of being vulnerable. Most nights I spend asking myself, "Was I never an enough reason for you to change and stay dad? Was I never an enough reason for you to love mom? Was I never an enough reason for you to give up being a womanizer and hitting mom, as well as hating your parents? Dad, was I never enough for you to believe in God and in love?". 

When I was a child you used to watched and read these Disney Princesses with me; I grew up not being one of them but one of those evil Queens which you told me back then were bad and have nothing good to offer. Now I understand them, they lack love as much as I do. They fear abandonment as much as I do. They are not really bad, they are lost, abandoned, and forgotten just as I am. Why do I always get  hurt? Was I meant to feel pain all my life? I was a mistake wasn't I? Because I remember how the two of you would tell me a story that if mom didn't get pregnant then you two wouldn't have gotten married. Then maybe you two at some  point decided to break up, could things have been better if I didn't came into the picture? Could your lives have been great by then? Because 'til now I honestly blame myself for all these, maybe I'm the reason why it all happened. I blame myself for having an incomplete family, for  trust issues, for being the black sheep, for dad not staying with us, for mom getting hurt, for my brother growing up without a dad, for my youngest brother to not have a father figure. I see myself as a burden and no matter how much I try to change it, I can't. I always end up being a humiliation, a failure which is why I want the pain to stop. No one knows but me, I've been trying to end the pain by taking my own life. When I was six or so, as I was sharpening my crayons (because I like the pointy  edge), I remember people in our house telling me to be extra careful with crayons.That I should dispose the trash immediately and not play  with it, don't stick it in my mouth because it's dangerous if I get to swallow it. Instead, I gathered it and tried swallowing half hoping it would take effect but it didn't. I tried drinking detergent soap (powdered) and mixed it with water, as well as the bleaching liquid for clothes. Even the cologne, perfume, and insecticide. It all didn't take effect. I tried sleeping with a plastic bag covering my face, holding my breath, strangling myself with a rope or whatever could be used as  a substitute. I never succeeded. I resorted to cutting myself, not only on my wrists but to whichever part  of my body, oftentimes the nape so no one would notice. The closest I got was when I overdosed myself from fifty pieces of aspirin, I saw how you both looked at me full of hurt and pain. No words were uttered but our hearts and mind speak to each other. I wanted you to know it was not mainly about him but about my hunger and thirst for love from the both of you.

You often accuse me of being too much of an attention seeker  because you gave me everything you could but you went pass the fact that I'm not asking for material things, I was asking for your love. All these years since you drifted  apart, you may not admit nor notice until now that you have abandoned me. Mom you went seeking time for your friends while I was at home wanting to talk to you about random things, whenever I open up there was never a time that you listened intently, it was either you were busy on your phone or had some other things on your mind. Dad you went far, you were nearly out of reach when you had your "own life" without us in it, and you took time making up for all the time you lost with Wyeth but where was I there? I know I'm old enough and I should've gotten over these issues a long time ago, and should not be crying on a spilled milk. You only have these words to say and you keep comparing me to other children whose situations are lot worse than mine, you keep comparing me and telling me that I should let of these things. But you wouldn't know how much it hurts like hell, how much it tears me up, how much it's killing me since time immemorial. You wouldn't know because you were fortunate to have both  belong to a complete family. You wouldn't understand how important it is to me that we're complete on every birthday of mine. You wouldn't know these things because I choose not to tell you. But the bottom line is, I'm not seeking for someone because all I ever want is my family's love even though we're now right here to where circumstances lead us. I love you mommy, daddy, Wyeth, and Walden.

(APRIL 2016)

Much awaited college graduation

It's everyone's dream and every parents' dream for their offspring to graduate college on time. I graduated high school year 2010 and enrolled for college by June of the same year at University of Santo Tomas under the program of AB Political Science. I was never an A+ student since I started schooling, I was one of those who's between the lazy and normal type of student. It wasn't my dream school but it was my 2nd best choice. Everything was going fine, I woke up early and tried my  best to abide by the school rules and be a diligent one, wanted to follow as much as possible everything that is written on the Student's Handbook. I find it hard to  make new friends so  I felt invisible. Until I  found few one who turned out to be a bad influence, I can't really blame  them though because it was still my choice. Then I met a  group of friends wherein I became one of them later that year and that  was when I started drinking more often than I do. I gave in to temptation, I was weak that  I pulled myself down.  2nd year of college went by but then I had  to leave the school not because I was  failing but because I was losing track in my life. I  enrolled to another school which was Far Eastern University Main  Branch, transferred to AB International Studies. I was doing pretty much better  than I did not until I had a boyfriend that  I gave in again to temptation and this time everything went much worse. The school didn't  approve of my grades from UST to be credited and so I went to search for another school and ended up at Arellano University Legarda and  went  back to AB Political Science. I enrolled for summer class to  take some subjects in advance, I did very well since my  grades were  all A's. First semester came  and I honestly got very disappointed with how things work there, and the stress of having such a stressful boyfriend made it much worse (yes, I know it's redundant). Until time came when something so terrible happened to me, I tried to manage  picking myself up and somehow I did but maybe not. I became worse than before, very much worse, so much worse.  I want to graduate, I  am now left behind by my batch mates and more so, by another batch and another. I don't know how to start fixing myself, I am so fucked up. I miss studying diligently, I miss seeing good grades on my card  and not grades of 5 or dropped or INC. I better start now or  the whole world would be leaving me behind and I will be buried and miss a whole lot more opportunities in life.

(OCTOBER 2015)

Self-destructing

'"I'm so afraid to tell people how much I feel because of rejection, so I bury  it deep inside me where it only destroys me more; self-destruction red alert. It is indeed a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply." (@internallylost)

Every time I take a look at myself in front of the mirror all I can see  is a perfectly stunning and  gorgeous lass but why is it that when I look  at other people's eyes all they see is trash. That one girl who's friends with all these good looking  and outstanding individuals and there she is trying to belong, yes she fits in but she doesn't  belong. And then, unconsciously  I'm losing myself all over again. Why can't I be enough? Why was I never enough to anyone? I'm enough for myself but with all these  inside and outside factors that  continually make me feel ugly  and  rejected, I'm dying more and more each day. I feel so insecure, I feel so incomplete, I feel unwanted, an outcast, imperfect, and most of all UGLY!

Am I not gorgeous just because I don't have a clear and fair skin like them? Because I don't  have that straight and perfect white teeth and  I had to deal with my bothersome unaligned upper right tooth and light yellowish teeth? Because I don't have that kissable lips  and  perfect smile? Because my hair  has never been dyed from red to blonde and it has stayed naturally black since birth? Because I don't wear make-up? Because I  have small eyes? Because I don't look like my age? Because I'm petite? Or simply because I'm not as good and interesting as  they  are? The reason why I keep mum about all of this and decided to just put it into writing is because people  would  think I'm seeking for their attention, I'm asking them for pity. When all I ever want is just for  them to  respect  who I am and how I choose to appear like. Just because I don't look like all of  them doesn't  make me  any different, I am beautiful in my own way. But honestly speaking, I'm feeling invisible and trying to be visible when most of the time I want to be invisible this paradox is killing me. What is wrong  with me? Why won't anyone see me? Why is everyone treating me less? Is it wrong to be good? Is it wrong to be who I am? Is it wrong to die because I'm ugly?

I'm frustrated of who they expect me  to be, of who I want to be,  and of who I should be. I'm  trying my very best but I guess the reason why I kept failing is because there's no best that can be found in me, nothing but the best of being a huge mistake and failure. I'm doing everything I could to help and heal myself from all of my miseries but no matter what I do it always ends up killing me in all aspects and  forms. I keep mum about  this even though I'm very talkative because I don't  want  to hear anything they have to say because even the slightest word or gesture kills me and I know they can't heal me. I am broken, I am torn, I am dying, and no one else knows but me.

I am full of insecurities. My forehead is too wide that I try to hide it with my 'side bangs'. My teeth aren't white and dazzling as diamond. My face isn't as soft and clear as a baby since pimples started to show up here and there. My lips are as pale as it is. I am a hairy wolf and I refuse to shave the hair on my legs. My armpit's hair grows too fast, it has chicken skin and not so white. The size of my eyes aren't equal one is obviously quite bigger than the other. I have trouble with my metabolism that I don't seem to gain weight. I don't have a sexy and fit body, that 36-24-36 is far way too impossible. My bust size is 34 cup A, my ass isn't that sexy enough, the rib cage beneath my skin is visible enough, the veins on my arms are visible enough that any medical practitioner who'd get a blood sample would love because they won't have much difficult time searching for the right vein.

I don't know how to dance nor sing. I'm not even good in acting. I tend to have a bad temper and become heartless. I unfortunately don't look like my age. I never had my hair dyed not until I had the courage to last 2016. I still don't know how to put make-up on, but somehow I do only lipstick, mascara, and eyeliner which obviously I can never get right. I stand only 5'2" 1/2 and most of all I am not as gorgeous as they are but I am me. I love myself beyond my flaws and imperfections. I am not afraid of people seeing with my bare face and wearing house clothes. This is me, I love myself and I would never want to change who I am for whom I'm not. If I would change, I would change for the best, better than who I am right now. I won't change just to fit in and look stunning for people around me. I don't function that way. I would do things for myself and not for anyone else. I love myself but I am ashamed, ashamed because I don't fit anyone's standards but the overwhelming confidence of being raw takes over most of the time. This is me, this is me, this is me. I am me. 

It sucks when I know that I am damaged, I try to live every day as if I never self-destructed and suddenly I crash all over again and I have nothing else left to do but to pretend that I was never scared. Everyone is around me but no one ever seems to notice how fucked up my life is, 80% of my life I've always searched on the internet how to kill myself or end up in coma. I've been suffering from this mental illness at a young age. Does it have something to do with what I've been through during my childhood? Whatever the cause maybe all I know is I feel lost and hurt, at the edge of breaking down. Always. I drank perfume and cologne during grade school days, even tried shampoo, the liquefied crayons, everything but nothing happened. Still I never gave up on finding ways of how to end up my life even up to date. I tried to suffocate myself by strangling, choking, putting a plastic bag in my head. Once I tried to hang myself but the ceiling is not high enough. Even thought of jumping off a fast moving vehicle, jumping off the railway in a matter of few seconds before the train stops to pick-up passengers in the station, cross a deadly highway, electrocution, everything from A to Z. Most I've tried, some attempted, and other a bit scared to try. I don't really want to die, I just want someone to not only hear me and listen to me, but someone who will be there for me. Bible verses and words of encouragement, counselling, and pretentious listeners doesn't work anymore.

Razor blade and the needle has always been my best friend, I gave up on needles because they get rusty unlike stainless and sharp razor blades. I always have one with me wherever I am. Why? Because I'd rather transmit emotional pain to physical pain. I've been bruised and hurt physically a lot of times, at first it hurts but the worse it is the more I feel better because all of it is nothing compared to the amount of pain my heart has. It came to the point where I lost myself crying and cut my left wrist in front of one of my parents, but again, I was misunderstood and got scolded making things terrible than it ever was. As I grew up and age, I looked for alternative outlets and found comfort in writing. That's when I developed my love for papers, diaries, planners, notebooks, and even books alone. I calm myself through scribbling. I don't have an extensive vocabulary so all my blog posts and diary entries sounds so elementary but this is one way for me to stop hurting myself physically. I also found tranquility when I'm walking in the streets under the night sky without any destination. The ocean did a lot to me too, the sand, the waves, the beach, the sun, the reason why I try to make make it to a point that I can spend few days by the shore.

My near death experience was when I finally had all the courage I need to take a step up and overdosed myself from sixty (sixty) pieces of Bayer aspirin which can be bought over-the-counter. The timing was perfect because of the unbearable pain, I still hid everything from everyone and the only reason they know why I did that was because my ex whom I loved wholeheartedly cheated on me. They never figured out and knew that I did that because I'm trapped in this miserable life that no matter what I try to do I end up failing each time and even fail at killing myself. I read in a piece of paper (which they tried to hide from me), that I have mild bipolar disorder and it didn't surprised me at all when my family wasn't even alarmed and they took it as if it says that I'm insane. I am not. I am damaged, hurt, broken, depressed but not insane. This is severe than being insane. Being in the right mind fighting all the demons in our head and trying to numb your fragile heart, how's about that? Has anyone wondered how difficult it is living in this kind of situation and suffering from this illness? Mental health illness. There are a lot of advocates on Facebook but still some people disregard it, avoids the issue, and even over analyze things as if they know anything. What you've been through is different from mine. I hate it whenever they say 'I've been through that' and in an instant it turns to a five-minute life lesson. It doesn't help if you shout at me, if you scold or nag me. If you ignore me, if you think I'm insane. If you pity me, if you argue with me. Trust and listen to me, that's what I need. That's what will make me feel better at one point or the other.

Coign of vantage of being alone

Traveling and living alone doesn't keep you away from happiness; most of the time we tend to look for happiness everywhere. Expecting happiness can be found from someone special not knowing in this world, love and happiness we search for is actually found within us all from the beginning. Stop pretending you're happy or sad. Sounds cliche but life is lived with ups and downs; expectations lead to disappointments. The most complicated things in life can only be solved by the simplest way; we complicate life because life doesn't really complicate us. Never settle for anything less because you deserve better than what you think is already the best. Get used with being alone, wherein tranquility truly lies.

Doesn't it feel great to travel and live alone? Do things on your own. Decide for yourself; explore, make wrong decisions and learn. Yes, no man is an island but the most attractive and lovable island lives alone with no one beside it; the most serene sea touches the sand of shore yet tranquil island. You are not alone. No, not really. Because sooner or later someone would unexpectedly come to such an incredible island unplanned but the greatest ting that could ever be known is that he'd love to explore this island, would never get tired of appreciating and loving it. Would travel miles just to see the island; no he may not stay there for good, he may leave and continue living his life away from the island but his heart would always be with it. Just be still beautiful island, you are yet to be found and unconditionally loved. 

The island may not have the best things other islands has, it may not even have something to offer but by just being as it is. They may have seen it, other may have heard of it, and some have came but never truly loved it. Thousands of tears have been shed on the sea surrounding the island but millions of storms have tried to ruin it; erase it from existence. The beautiful island may have been devastated several times but it always finds its way to naturally get back up. No, the beautiful island is not really strong, it is weaker than the weakest but chooses to be as strong and as brave as an amazon is. This beautiful island has a heart but has buried it in the depths of the earth's inner core and only a man who'd risk it all would be able to have it.

(MAY 2015)

Pyro

I remember when I was a kid my second cousin Kuya Arvi did some magic trick (well, it was a magic trick for me way back). He coursed his finger back and forth from the lit lighter, to my amazement I wanted to try it as well. At first I was too scared, thinking I might end up hurting myself playing with fire. One day, I tried what he did. I gathered all my strength and courage to do so. And finally I did it! I was playing with fire literally. What added up to it was that I even got a candle and let it burn, the melted wax of the candle waiting to drop on the palm of my hand, so it did. At first it hurt me A LOT and eventually through several tries I got used with it. It no longer pains me. In fact, I even enjoyed it. Even until now.

Whenever I see fire, I don't see the devastation it may bring. What I see is myself, my strength, and who I am. There was this time when I was trying to deal with kitchen stuff that I had to switch on the gas stove. One burner is a bit easier and controls fire but somehow the other lights up like a burning fire camp. To some extend the one that I prefer won't work, so I had no choice but to deal with the other. I can't exactly recall how it went but all I can remember was while I was holding the pan the fire lit up and reached the ceiling and back to the pan. I was so terrified and hurriedly switched off the gas stove. I love the fire and its flame but I'm scared of what it can do to others. But somehow, yes, I am scared of burning.

My uncle loves to smoke, he smokes cigars every now and then. The space in our house is very narrow that you need to imply those "excuse me" manners when passing by the living room going to the kitchen or to anywhere else in the house. I had to go upstairs and I said my polite words as a gateway to get through. But as soon as I reach the stairs my uncle's cigar burned my left hand. It hurt terribly. It left a mark. But after feeling the pain and the fire of the cigar, I didn't felt damaged or weakened. Instead, I felt charged and strengthened. I enjoy seeing the flame, the ashes and the fire itself.

I've always dreamed of sitting by the shore with my friends, having a bon fire in the middle while we're gathered in a circle, star gazing and staying up until sun rise. I am very thankful that it happened February 2015 right after Beachforce 2 at Batangas. We gathered wood for the Bon fire. When we had enough to keep it alive until morning, everyone but me stepped back from the fire because it was so strong that the flames almost touched us. The burning sensation if the fire grew larger and stronger. I sat beside it on a tiny log. I enjoyed watching the stars while sitting beside this fire. I don't feel pained by the heat. I love the heat it makes me feel, the get of the fire beside me makes me want to live.

Whenever I see poi dancers I watch them with so much amazement. If only I knew how to do it I would. I had my photo taken with a poi dancers twice. First was at Boracay 2012 and second was at Puerto Galera 2015. The scent of the gas stinks but my eyes love the fire so much that when it was too clear to see, when it was inches away from me. My eyes would always sparkle. I wanted to dance with fire and one day I know I will. I will have that kind of skill.

Lighting a match was never easy for me. I have to break several pieces of match to successfully light up a tiny candle or the gas stove. Until I got hold of it. And enjoyed watching the fire crawl to reach my finger tips.

The element that symbolizes devastation to all symbolizes life for me. If I were to choose what power would I want to posses. I'd always choose fire. This explains why I feel powerful and ahead whenever I wear red. Learn to live and love fire because it doesn't lie to you. It will never lie to you. It would pain you and hurt you a lot but it would never ever lie to you.

(MARCH 2016)

The Pit Fall

We met in the most unexpected way, unexpected moment, everything was so unexpected. At first I thought you were just someone like the others who would definitely come and go. Those men who are just after lust, liquor, everything that is for pleasure. Well, maybe I may not know what you were after for. It all began when I went home late in the afternoon, we were texting the night before I think and I wasn't able to reply because I was at a party. I was too busy to give you my attention, too busy keeping myself busy. Honestly, I forgot how the rest of the story went all I can recall was that night when we first started talking to each other over the phone that went for hours, days, weeks, and now, almost a month. This was something else, you started opening up and I did as well. You seemed to be very okay but not, I know from the very start that you weren't. As they say, "A loner knows another loner." I admire you for being so strong, for holding on though you're completely losing grip. We started sending photos on Twitter, video called on Skype, chatted on Viber, until we finally saw each other that one Friday night. Excitement filled me though we know it was just for couple of minutes that we could talk. Everyone seemed to be invisible when I was with you. Well, not really everyone. Everything. All I can see was you, I looked straight into your eyes and I don't know. I hugged you for a second and that second was like a complete moment. But I hated my classmate for being so irritating, she knows and she can see that I was with you, I kept on hiding from car to car just for her to feel that I want her to leave us alone but I think she's a complete dumb ass that she didn't even felt it. (Yes, I know I'm mean and I don't give a damn about it!) I hated her that night. I hated her for not leaving us alone, I hated her for catching your attention, I hated her for giving her number when you asked for it, I hated how she talked to you, I hated her that night and I hate her 'til now. I hated her not because I felt she was taking you away from me, stealing you. How can someone take you or steal you from me when you aren't even mine? When we're only just friends. "Best friends". I was a bit scared, or maybe I was terrified. Too scared to admit, too brave to deny.

We went from serious to crazy talks. Then you called me one Sunday morning, I was sleeping soundly at a Condo Hotel with my family. I was exhausted. And I heard you crying, your grand father passed away. I couldn't get back to sleep. I was worried sick about you. I wanted to be there for you, be there with you but I can't, I'm not supposed to, it's not right. The other week we were talking about our ex's and I remembered how I told you to give her a chance, set a deadline, start moving on because you don't deserve to be living in the shadows of what used to be. She went to your grand father's wake, you told me she texted you that she was going to be at the wake with you. You talked to her and I hope you have let go of that grudge and all the questions in your heart and mind. I can't sleep that night, I know we're best friends but this isn't right. I'm not suppose to feel this way. The next day you called and told me a bit of how the talk went, everything was grey to me what I can remember was when you said to me that... "I told her that I already have you." I don't know how to react, what to feel or what. Few days after your grand father's burial you went out with your siblings and cousins had couple of drinks and I didn't get it why you even called just to tell me that there's this girl across your table who seems to be checking you out.

I went on a big event at a club inside a Casino Hotel. I was with someone, and I was surrounded with dozens of attractive guys but I don't get it why I was holding my phone in my hand while raving. I was even actually on a date with someone that night which I didn't tell you. And this other guy who likes me was even there too. They were all around me but I'm all about you.You told me you'd call to check on me and you did. I rushed to the comfort room to take your phone call, you seemed worried and all. You sounded jealous, yet sounded so sarcastic. I don't get it. I don't get you. I don't get this. You were like a silly boyfriend, yet you kept on reminding that we're friends, best friends. That night, that night when you told me that I don't need to update you made a huge impact on me and somehow pierced my heart. I said I myself, "Okay then. No updates". Then after a weeks time I went out again and you said sorry for saying such, your exact words were... "Okay. I'm sorry. I was wrong. I shouldn't have said that. Please do update me. Please. Please. Please."

One afternoon we were being so silly as usual when I unintentionally cracked a joke which went too personal. I know you got upset. I didn't know what to do, how, what, why. That night was so cold, so cold that I almost shivered. The next day you asked for space because there are things you should do, your priorities. From your lunatic side to your dead serious side. I don't understand you but I want to. I want to but I don't know how to. I completely understand your desires, goals, priorities, everything. Just not this. Just not us. We're best friends we made it clear as crystal to each other but why are we this way? We argued. We shouted at each other. We got mad. But we eventually fixed it. We always make it to a point that we aren't sleeping without reconciling over things we argued or had some misunderstandings about. I've been planning and preparing a simple surprise for you on your birthday but the next thing I know you called up to tell me that you would be leaving for the US two days from now. You will be away for a month. I was out with my friends, drinking. We were at our 7th bar. It was an unplanned drinking spree and bar hopping. I was talking to one of my closest friends about you, all about you. At the first bar, I kept on holding back my tears wailing to them about you leaving. At the 7th bar along Tomas Morato, there was this handsome and hot guy across our table. He kept on catching a glimpse, he caught my attention by his looks. You unexpectedly called, asked where I was and I told you. Your tone started to change from that sweet deep voice to an angry lion. My pitch went high, we were arguing. Shouting at each other over the phone. This is too absurd. You said, "I'm not your boyfriend and you're not my girlfriend but we're best friends that's why I care for you this much. Please go home." That was the first time I heard you asked me to go home. It was the first time you were so pissed that I was out drinking. Before me and my friend entered their house, you called again. Asking me where I am. "What happened? Why are we so attached to each other?" I said I don't know because I don't really know. You then asked me, "You love me, right?" your deep manly voice spoke every word so clear as if I cannot hear anyone else even my own breath. All I can hear is you, your voice. I starred at a corner, took a deep breathe, closed my eyes and replied, "Yes of course. You're my best friend." I didn't know what to say, how to tell you that I feel for you, how to let you know about this. I don't even know why you reacted like you were disappointed with my reply. Were you? Or were you just playing around just for me to tell you the truth?

I know you'd be back because your class starts on August. I remember that time you told me you wanted to go back to US to fix things, fix yourself and I told you to do what you think would help you. But why am I feeling sad? I know it would help you a lot or maybe somehow. I know it would help you. I think it would help me too. To completely stop this. Maybe we need to be apart. Maybe you're falling because I was the one who was there for you when it was suppose to be her. Maybe I'm falling for you because you were how exactly how I wished for him to be like. But no, I know this is true but it's not right. Not everything that is true is right. But if secretly feeling for you is wrong then maybe, just maybe let me be wrong for the rest of my life.

A month. A month. A month. What could happen within a month? We just hanged up the phone right now. It was an unexpected call from you. I thought your flight would be tomorrow? But it turned out that it was this night. Another cold night, this time colder, a whole lot colder. You called to tell me that you're on your way to the airport. I really thought it would be tomorrow and I was planning to see you at the airport and just say "Have a safe flight. I'll see you after a month." But it was tonight. This dreadful night full of emotions, feelings. You told me that you saw her earlier. You went to her office and talked to her. You told me that you told her what you're going to do and that you'll be away for a month. I don't know how to feel. I really don't know what to feel. I didn't know what you talked about but I told you this... "You might not know maybe when you come back you have forgiven her and that you're ready to love her again." You said you don't know and that you'll focus on yourself first this time. Your last words were... "We're dudes right? We're best friends. You're my best friend. I'll be back."

The past few weeks you kept on asking me if I think we would have a chance, if I like you, if there's any possibility to be me and you, if I love you. And every time you ask that I tried so hard to keep it from you, I held back each time. I would always response "Of course I love you, you're my friend. You're my best friend." I don't know what to say, what to tell you because I'm unsure of my growing feelings, which has been growing more and more each day. Or am I sure but denying it to myself. I liked you from the very start, it was like a seed watered daily, taken cared of, loved that made it grow and just like that I had to kill it before it blossoms. Why bother having such when these thorns would cut you deep, hurt you and leave a scar all because you wanted that rose.

As we hang up, a tear shed then unconsciously I was crying and I don't know why. Was it you leaving that was responsible for these tears? Was is because you went to see her? Was it because I didn't have the courage to tell you these things? Or was it because I don't really know what's going inside you. Tonight you will leave for the US, I know you will be back. But will you be back to start anew with her or be back and be with me? If you ask me, I'd rather love to hear you say you'll be back to love yourself a bit more than you should have. I want you to be okay, OKAY. I want you to be happy even if it's not with me. I want you to get back up. I want you, I wanted you, I liked you, and maybe just maybe somewhere in between I fell for you. Why does it hurt when it shouldn't? It was unexpected how it came to be, surprisingly how it went and dreadful how it is now. I should've held back, I should know better than this but why did I fell on this pit again? Why do I keep on falling on the same pit? Never getting tired of trying, of gambling, taking risks, taking chances. When I know that every time I do I end up hurting, I end up left alone in the dark while I lift them into the light, I end up alone in that pit. Alone. Always alone. 

/CJ/

(JUNE 2015)

40 days and 40 nights

Right after we hang up around eleven in the evening I called up one of my closest friends who knows about you. Yes, I've told her about you. She knows. And so as I was sobbing I told her that you were leaving for the US for a month and you'd be back by the 2nd of August. She tried to calm me down and comfort me. I know there's a date of when you'll be returning but what if you enjoyed it there because you missed your life there then who knows when you would be coming back? I hate this 'what if'. 40 days and 40 nights according to the Jews simply means "really long time". The number 40 in the Bible has been mentioned a lot of times such as... "In the Old Testament, when God destroyed the earth with water, He caused it to rain 40 days and 40 nights (Genesis 7:12). After Moses killed the Egyptian, he fled to Midian, where he spent 40 years in the desert tending flocks (Acts 7:30). Moses was on Mount Sinai for 40 days and 40 nights (Exodus 24:18). Moses interceded on Israel’s behalf for 40 days and 40 nights (Deuteronomy 9:18,25). The Law specified a maximum number of lashes a man could receive for a crime, setting the limit at 40 (Deuteronomy 25:3). The Israelite spies took 40 days to spy out Canaan (Numbers 13:25). The Israelites wandered for 40 years (Deuteronomy 8:2-5). Before Samson’s deliverance, Israel served the Philistines for 40 years (Judges 13:1). Goliath taunted Saul’s army for 40 days before David arrived to slay him (1 Samuel 17:16). When Elijah fled from Jezebel, he traveled 40 days and 40 nights to Mt. Horeb (1 Kings 19:8). The number 40 also appears in the prophecies of Ezekiel (4:6; 29:11-13) and Jonah (3:4). In the New Testament, Jesus was tempted for 40 days and 40 nights (Matthew 4:2). There were 40 days between Jesus’ resurrection and ascension (Acts 1:3)." -(http://www.gotquestions.org/40-days-Bible.html)

Does this mean that 40 days and 40 nights is the period of sacrifice, period of test. A test of everything. I don't really want to give any meaning about it but what if God has planned this before I started sitting down on this tool, opened my netbook, listen to Jireh Lim's "Magkabilang Mundo", think about you, wait for 1:00am (which is the time of your flight), hear my grumbling stomach because I haven't had dinner yet. I wonder what are you thinking about, I wonder what's going thru your mind as you comfortably take your seat in the plane, I wonder if you wonder that I'm wondering how you are right now. What would it be like having no text messages and phone calls from you? I don't know what would be our means of communicating but whatever it's up to you. Does it take around 15 hours from the Philippines to the US?

THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS:

*40: (062415)

I slept at 2 and woke up at 7. I woke up at 7 not because of my "Ate duties", I woke up at 7 thinking about you. I woke up at 7 thinking why didn't I had dinner last night at 7. I woke up at 7 hoping that this 40 days and 40 nights would only feel like 7 days and 7 nights.

I didn't went back to sleep instead I attended to my household chores and did something extra like bathed the dogs and such. All to keep me distracted. I've talked to some friends about this and to some strangers as well. I don't know if these guy strangers just likes me or is it just them, the way they are, the way the think, and their point of view not a general point of view of men. Something I learned from asking people and talking to them about the situation, about you, about me, about this (No, not about us. Because sadly, there is no us.) Girls, they believe that it is possible to fall in love with someone like magic. You don't need numbers when feelings and emotions get involved. The quantity doesn't matter but the quality does. While guys, they believe that it is far way too impossible to have something special between two people with just a number of days. They say you can't love a person or even start falling for someone that easy. I don't know. Are girls just way too hopeless romantic or are just guys trying to be too masculine and such? Because my point in view on this would be that... Wait, do you remember that book you told me about. That story wherein the guy's soul transfers from one body to another and he meets this girl then withing just like 24 hours he fell in love with her. I asked you if you think it's possible to fall in love with just 24 hours and you said 'yes'. So am I really hopeless romantic or are their belief in love is just not as strong as mine? Or could be that you're hopeless romantic too. I don't know.

It's 11:00 pm. Haven't heard from you yet. I wonder which country are you at now and how much longer would it take for you to finally arrive there. And if you'd even contact me when you're already there, if I'd ever cross your mind. If you'd ever think about me, if you'd remember me, if you'd still know me, if... I don't know. (sigh) I mean, why am I even having this blog entry? Why did I even started this? Why am I even updating this? It pierced me that time when you told me that I don't even have to update you. When you called me clingy. When you told me that you'd be busy on my birthday. This is bullshit! I know from the very start that this is wrong then yet why did I still let this grow? I should've killed it from the beginning then it wouldn't be this way, then could I have been okay.

*39: (062515)
I stayed awake until the time you left. Yes, I was awake 'til 1:00am. I tried to sleep and woke up the time we would usually wake up, after lunch. Mom got a Viber call from her friend in Oregon, and I wonder when would I hear from you. I went with my mom to work, dined outside and went home. I constantly checked my social media accounts hoping to hear from you, but there was none. They say it takes about 15-18 hours of direct flight from Manila to The US. I still haven't heard anything from you. Night came and I was having some random chat with my friends on Viber, I tried to check your Viber and it says that you were last online around 7:33 I just don't know if it's am or pm. Did you really leave for the US? Or are you just somewhere around? I don't know. I wouldn't know. But sometimes I want to make stupid things like call your number just to check if it would ring. Are you on roaming or are you just roaming around? I left a video message on Skype, a simple countdown. I also sent the same countdown on your Viber. I didn't expect that you'd reply. You replied around 11:20pm and said "Salamat Wyn. I miss you" I replied, the message was delivered but not "seen" nor read or whatsoever by you. But it says that you're still online. I don't mind. A short and simple message meant a lot. At least now I know you're okay and that you still remember me and that you noticed my existence. I hope you're fine. Yes, I do like you a lot but I don't want us to be in a "love" relationship like boyfriend and girlfriend. I like you but I'd rather stay as your best friend and keep you forever.

*38 (062615)
It's already the 26th. Tomorrow marks your 23rd birthday. I don't know why am I still awake. I was planning for your birthday surprise over a week but then that call really made me feel like I poured with ice cold water continuously but I can't blame you. I know and I understand why you had to be away. I just want you to be happy, to be okay again. I wonder if she knows how lucky she really is that you have loved her so much even you've only been together for just a year, and maybe you still love her. If you'd be coming back and you want to start anew with her I'd be so much happy for you for having such a brave heart. I only want you happy even if it's not with me. Wow! I didn't know that the US is just 8 km from where I am. WTF?!? You fckin' kidding me!

*37 (062715)
Happy Birthday you bastard! I hope you die SOON! You hate being lied too but you enjoy lying to someone who trusts you. Wow! What a complete asshole you are. You're just fucking 6 km away right now and last online around 12:02md Fuck you! This countdown ends here right now! SHAME! I kept myself busy the whole day. I was thinking about if I should let those who know about you know about this. Went out with Kyra at SM North and Trinoma then stayed for a while at Fisher Mall, headed to my Star Magic class. You were supposed to be my "karga" because it hurts me that you left without even saying good bye. But I was wrong, it's still him that hurts me. And then I realized, maybe you're just some of the distractions along the way. I diverted everything just to get along with pain. After class Kate went to fetch me and we hang out at Cable Car Morato. I still didn't texted you nor call, no nothing. I checked it again and it says you were last active 44mins ago and that you're 8km away from where I am. I wonder where you are. I wonder why didn't you tell me. I wonder what's wrong, what went wrong? Would you still be back? Remember the time you told me "Bes, basta walang iwanan ha" but look who left. It was you. It wasn't me who left.

*38 (062815)


*37 (062915)
I received a very unexpected call from you. I thought you were already going to tell me that you didn't really leave and so on and so forth. And so it turned out that you really did left for the US for four days and that you just got back, literally just got home from the airport. We talked about it. And yes, as expected you stalked my Twitter. I find it very cute because all these years, in my five years on Twitter I have wondered if there would come to a point that a guy would actually take time and stalk my Tweets. There were so much dead air every now and then during our conversation. Your parents divorced and there it goes. Now I know why you were so pissed during the past few weeks. I missed you. I just really did. Then again you asked me if I love you and I still replied with "of course I do, you're my best friend". You replied with, "Enough with the best friend thing. Do you love me more than a friend? More than a best friend?" and I simply said "No." I still don't know why can't I just admit that I am falling for you. Is it because I think you're still not over your recent ex or was it because I just found out the other night that it still pains me so much until now on what my ex did to me. Tomorrow would be my ex's 27th birthday and I don't know. All I can remember is that this time last year I was finalizing things for his birthday. I loved how you told me "I missed you. I missed you so so so much and maybe even more than that." We almost argued. Again. I was so scared that you left just like that but thank God I'm wrong. You came back and never actually did left. God has His reasons.

*36 (063015)
You called me up in the middle of the night just to tell me about this Megan girl from Cali whom you met at the plane on your way back to The Philippines, you sounded so crazy about this girl and you even sent me a photo of her on Viber. I don't know what to feel. I feel like somewhat numb, maybe because I'm getting used with pain and being hurt. I don't want to lose you that's why I'm keeping you as my friend, best friend. I don't get it why you interfere so much with my moments on my Tinder account. So what if I would seem like a slut to those guys there? That's how they would treat me anyway. No one even ever treated me with much respect. Well, at first yet but in the long run, no. You kept on telling me that I'm not okay, that I give too much and leave nothing to myself, that I have a problem. You always tell me that I'm totally boyish and all. So what?!? This is me. I know you care but why does it seem to me like you're getting way beyond overboard. I mean, c'mon we're just friends, best friends and that's it. I like you but we can't be together. We hanged up, you were going to take a shower. I placed my mobile on silent mode and went back to writing my blog. Yes, it was intentional so that I won't be able to hear you call because I know that if I see your name flash on my mobile I'd hurriedly pick it up. It's time to stop this before it hurts me more. I have to kill this because it's not right. You called at 3:03am and I checked my phone by 3:20am. You texted "Gnyt", not the usual "Good night". You even called me clingy for the Nth time which is why I don't even want to text nor call you first. You even told me that you were exchanging text messages with this Megan when you woke up around 1pm. Okay, so this is how it starts when your best friend would be with that someone and you'd be just there at the corner. You keep on telling me that I'm boyish and a lesbo, but you also love to scold me about my photos. You texted at 10pm I didn't replied.

*35 (070115)
You called at 2am, normal talk. You told me that you went out to see Megan yesterday and you kept on talking about her. Kinda hurts but there's nothing I can do about it but be happy for you. I still think you're stalking my Twitter because you know that I just made a "Twerk it like Miley" video. You talked about your parents' break-up. I feel you. I don't really know how to comfort you, I don't know what can I do to help. But I always try y best to be there for you. You told me you love me, I forgot how it got to that point and I said "Of course you do we're friends" and you said, "Yes, best friends." I wish I could be there with you right now to hug you so tight and let you feel that one day everything will be okay, you'll be okay. 

*34 (070215)

You called up in the middle of the night crying. Still broken. You took 3 tablets of methathione. I don't know what's got in to you. You said 'I love you' and I know it's as a friend, a best friend. I hope one day you'll be okay. I hope one day you'll e healed and be happy again.

You called up at 8am but I wasn't able to pick it up coz I was still asleep. You calle again by 10am and you were so angry because your ex texted you asking for your help. You told me that according to her she was at the bar last night, got drunk, lost her phone and money and went home to her apartment without her panties on and she can't remember what happened. You told me that you'll call the cops, head out to somewhere with your gun. I don't know. I just really don't know. I'm so tired being your diary, I'm getting tired of being here for you, I'm getting tired of falling for you when you're terribly broken and knowing that when I completely fall for you I'll just end up hurt. All I can do is to be here for you. That's is. That's all. I just don't know why.

You kept on calling and updating me. I find it cute. But you still keep on blabbing about Megan.

*33 (070315)

We talked as usual. I can't really remember what. But what I remember was that I think you said "I love you" when we hang up. I think. That's what I heard. But... 

You called me around 8pm and told me tht you're going to URBN and you'll be with the gang. Saw you there with your friends but I was tipsy and drunk and all. Why is it that I can't still tell you how I feel when I'm already drunk. You texted me that you're taking care of someone. I don't know if you're referring to your friends or Megan was there. I don't know. And so I got more beer to drown myself with. I like you I really do and it pains me.

*32 (070415)

I partially remember what I did. All I know is that I kissed random cute guys when you left. You texted me asking if there's anything wrong while I was at Makati with my friends asking if I was mad at you. I didn't replied. You didn't call me.

*31 (070515)

I went home around 2 or 3am still haven't heard from you again. I think you're busy with your Megan. SHT! I just want an escape, an escape from my feelings for you. I still feel the pain, I don't know why. I know I shouldn't.

*30 (070615)

You called on Viber and we talked for an hour. I don't know and you stalked my Twitter again. You acted weird. Really weird I don't know if it's real or jut a joke. You even saw the photo I post with my Star Magic friends and you said, "barilin ko yang mga yan eh" so funny. So kilig but I don't know. So crazy. You woke up earlier than usual around 10:40am. Texted for few hours and so. Bugged me around during the night until midnight.

*29 (070715)

You said you can't sleep without hearing my voice first and pissing me off and so you did. You kept on saying "love you bes". You're really weird. I don't get you. We exchanged text messages for a while. You enrolled at school and I went to school. I went out with Agnetha. You updated me. Your one-line reply has been going on since yesterday and I'm starting to get pissed so I didn't replied.

*28 (070815)

I slept last night around 12md. You didn't texted nor called so I'm thinking you were busy. I was suppose to get up by midnight and review but I was too sleepy so I've decided to sleep instead of taking a nap. I kept on dreaming about my mobile phone and your name flashing on it. Maybe because I got used with it I thought, and so I woke up around 5:40am thinking I won't have a text nor missed call from you and to my surprise you called at 12:30am. 

You texted and called at 3pm you went to the gym. Updated me that you're home before 6pm. Sent me photos of you getting fit. So proud of you. You suddenly didn't replied. You told me that you're going to change your number and that you're going to update me. You asked me where would I be this Friday because you're planning to go to Tagaytay. Dad went to see me.

*27 (070915)

Tried to wait for your text or call but didn't received any. I slept around 5am but still nothing. I woke up and checked my phone still nothing from you. I wonder how you are. You texted me that you were just kinda busy and we talked on the phone before you went to the gym. I watched 'The Breakup Playlist' with mom. You told me that I don't know how to set my grounds, that I always give in. I think I'm beginning to notice these kind of things I possess whenever I like and most especially love someone. I always tend to give everything. I always forget about myself.

*26 (071015)

You called up at midnight but I forgot I turned my phone on mute mode. We texted and you updated me. You said there's this girl at the gym who wants to bang with you and I said go for it. I don't feel anything anymore. It's like I killed my likeness towards you. I care about you and I love you because you're my best friend. I went to Megamall with my Star Magic classmates you called me around 6pm told me that you got home from the gym and the bang happened in your car. And that you're going to URBN and wanted to grab some drinks. I know you're still not okay. I hope one day that smile on your face would come naturally. Before you hanged up the phone you kept on saying I love you. I feel kinda awkward to say I love you not because I really love you. Yes, I love you but I'm not in love with you there's a difference. I feel kinda awkward to say I love you because it might get misinterpreted. And we hanged up.

*25 (071115)

You called up at 3am asking me where I was. I was on my way home and you were still at URBN. I don't know why you called, you were ranting over things as usual. But I don't mind. I don't want you to feel alone because I know that feeling, it's like hell to feel alone. To feel like no one's there for you whenever you need someone to listen or to talk to. You're still not over her and the fact that she somewhat cheated on you. In time you'll heal and accept the things that happened. One day you'll be able to smile again maybe not completely but you'll surely be happy and smile again. One day everything and every feeling would just seem to be like a dream and that person would seem like just a part of a dream. I won't leave you. I feel used honestly I do because you just text or call me whenever you feel sad or alone. But somehow I know it helps you a lot. I want and need to be there for you all the time because again, I know how it feels. I know there's a possibility that when you're already okay you'll just leave as fast as a snap of a finger and forget about me. It's not really okay but it's okay as long as you get back up that's what matters most.

You called me up around 1 or 2pm and kept on ranting why was I the only girl last night while all of my friends are guys. Blah blah blah. You kept on ranting. And you remembered what happened to your ex blah blah blah. You were scolding me as usual. Then no texts nor calls even until midnight.

*24 (071215)

I was busy tweeting and suddely I saw you tweeted "you chose your friend and you chose to break my heart". It's still her and it's okay because I already have killed my feelings for you. Then you favorited one of my tweets and called. I know you're not okay but you keep on denying it. I don't know how to help you anymore. No one can help you now but yourself. And after that no text nor call from you.

*23 (071315)

No text nor call from you but I don't mind I'm good.

*22 (071415)

I was doing great then sunddenly you called me up right after Walden and I finished playing at Timezone. You said you'd call later 'coz you can't hear me clearly. You said you called because you're going to tell me about something.

Night came and wasn't expecting you'd call again. You called me up when I was out at Harbor Square with dad and so you told me that you had your haircut like super undercut and that you're going to school tomorrow. You apologized for not texting or calling me because you said you're busy. I don't mind. I asked you to promise me you're going to sleep by 12md. You rang my phone at 12md and I texted you that I just got home and said goodnight. You said goodnight a well. I can't feel how I feel like the first day no more. I think I have finally killed my likeness towards you and that I see you now only as a friend. Nothing more, nothing less.

*21 (071515)

No text nor call from you. I slept early, I slept around 8pm. Even though I almost deeply fell for you I'm really glad that I have you as a best friend. Even if you won't listen to my dramas, and even if you don't even understand me. Most of all een if you won't be there for me whenever I need someone who'd listen and be there for me.

*20 (071615)

I woke up earlier than usual. I woke up at 5:30am. My baby Waldo died 💔 you called up at 12nn but my phone was on silent and I called you up at 3pm but you kept dropping the call.

*19 (071715)

No calls nor texts

*18 (071815)

No calls nor texts

*17 (071915)

I ended the countdown here. I end it here! But once in a while you'd still call and text. I don't know. I want to stop this. How? Am I diving ito that rabbit hole again? And one day you called, I tried to ignore it but I can't resist. So then, I picked up the phone and we talked. I think you're tying to get it that I'm slowly moving apart from you. I hate it. Can you just be back when I'm no longer stuck in this insanity? So that  I can be normal again and not so awkward. 

/CJ/

(JUNE 2015)