Mom has worked with Noringai in one of her TV appearances (I think sa Bagito). After her taping day she was telling me stories about her then another day came when she handed me over a book written by Noringai entitled "Parang Kayo Pero Hindi". So I started reading it, and realized na yung isang entry niya was posted na sa internet years ago. The thing about "pseudo-relationship". Nakaka-relate sobra, as I flip from one page to the other sapul ako. But unfortunately I wasn't able to finish the book since my friend borrowed it and hasn't given it back. Few more months and mom came home again now with two of Noringai's books entitled "Buti pa ang Roma may Papa" and "Goodbye Girl". Mom has the latter and reads it once in a while and I have the "Goodbye Girl", but haven't finished reading it yet because I skip stories but what hit me the most was the 5th chapter.
Tears were shed as I was reading it. That line that says "I will never find someone like you. Because I will find someone better than you." gave me chills since I've been contemplating more than a year now if I'll find someone like him. He was everything I hoped, prayed, and imagined and honestly I thought he was the one but I guess not. I couldn't agree more with Noringai because I know that I deserve someone who will not lie to me, will not betray me, will not make lame excuses, someone who will truly love me. Yes, I still find myself reminiscing and crying over what we used to have but I've accepted the fact that that's how far our story has reached and it's sad how it ended tragically. I may now have a heart that is shattered but now matter how broken my heart is, I know that I still have one. And knowing that for a fact, gives me hope for what may come.
I've been watching videos from Wong Fu Productions, but the first video was entitled "The Last", it really brings me to tears imagining a guy telling me those things and loving me that way. And so, I started to click on more videos from their channel and I found these short films hit me so much...
"AFTER US"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvxHPtEsmFc
THE STEPS OF MOVING ON:
1. Reminiscing and retracting
2. Release
3. Rebuilding
4. Renewed
REMINISCING AND RETRACTING
A year ago I found myself suffering from so much depression when everything between us was falling apart. I remember that last look, that last glance before we parted ways as I was on my way to the train station. A week after I sent him an e-mail on Yahoo just like what we've talked about that we'd be somehow updating each other but received no reply from him, I fight the urge to text nor call him but I re-read our messages. I check on his new girl's Facebook account until I broke down when I saw that just after a week when we officially broke up he brought the girl to his house, to his room. The room that we re-painted and gave a new look, I wondered if he ever think about me with every stroke of that paint brush painted on his walls. Yes, he cheated on me. I did a horrible thing because the pain was too much to bear, I overdosed myself from 50pcs of aspirin. I hoped that he'd come to see me but never heard anything from him even when he knew that I was almost in coma. Even when I was getting better I still hope he'd come to see me, so we'd be able to say good bye, ask him things I'm dying to know like why did he cheated on me. I looked crap and lost, I purposely avoid things that would remind me of him, of us. I chose not to talk things over with anyone because it doesn't help at all, I just want him back. But after my stay in the hospital I slowly started to realize couple of things.
RELEASE
I started to eat more, started to gain weight and look better. Catching up with my friends and family, talked about him with a clear head. And to my surprise that I finally had that bit of courage to talk about him and what happened without shedding tears. Even tried to catch up with the whole world, school, classmates, strangers, places, everything.
REBUILDING
I socialized more often, gained few more people in my life. Tried new things, start to see life without him, did things alone that we used to do together such as stroll in the mall, watch a movie, coffee, dine, and a lot more. I flirt at times, go out on some dates but most of the time enjoy the company of my friends. Cleaned out my stuff until like in the video I unexpectedly found something that he owns and I fall back a few steps once in a while. But at least, I'm a whole lot better than how I used to be.
RENEWED
I miss having someone special and someone who treats me special but sometimes when I think of it everything comes back even the hurtful memories that makes me fear of giving it a try with love again. But I came to think that I don't really need someone right now; there are number of cute guys I talk to but I'm not ready for anything right now. I don't mean to turn them down but all I want right now is just to be friends with them, I don't want to be unfair jumping into things. I just want to focus on who I am as a person right now, who I want to be, who I can be. Love will come, maybe not soon enough but it will.
I haven't really figured out if I'm in the rebuilding or renewed step but what matters is that I'm getting better. In time, I'll be okay. In time, I'll have that gorgeous smile back on my face. Someday. One day.
"STRANGERS, AGAIN"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvxHPtEsmFc
STAGES OF A RELATIONSHIP:
1. The meeting
2. The chase
3. The honeymoon
4. Comfortable
5. Tolerance
6. Downhill
7. Breaking up
THE MEETING
We met in the most awkward and unexpected way. I had a long day from photo shoot to ramp rehearsal and so much hassle before I reached that mall where my acquaintances were at. My mobile's battery got drained and I had to look for a convenient store with charging station. Until my acquaintances went there and he was there, everything was history.
THE CHASE
We became friends and had couple of dates, introduced each other to families. Enjoyed our moments together, sweet nothings here and there.
THE HONEYMOON
After one year of courtship, Valentine's came as surprise when he asked me to his girl. It was such a perfect moment for both of us, being officially a couple.
COMFORTABLE
Most of the time we spend our time together thinking about where to go, what to eat, and what to do. Sometimes we'd end up bumming around together and doing silly stuffs, sharing laughs and all.
TOLERANCE
Arguments came up but we managed to patch things up, I just don't know how it went nearing the end of the relationship.
BREAKING UP
I found out that he has someone new (even when we were still together) and he kept it a secret for me for 3 months long. It was a mutual decision to end things, to end up the hurting and lying.
"And everything we shared would just become fragments and memories. From so long ago, I'll question if it really happened. And all that would be left is a box of random stuff, from a faded memory in time when a stranger was the most important person in my life."
I still have all those random stuffs that reminds me of different memories and moments we shared and had. I kept it all in a white backpack and try not to open it and reminisce things over because I want myself to stop crying and I want the pain to stop hurting. I need to move on not in the way that he did but in a better way that I know would make me feel good about myself and everything again.
I went past this through YouTube while searching for some "Hugot Lines". I didn't expect this would hurt me so much. While listening to his voice clips I couldn't help but cry, it's like it's my conscience talking to me or me talking to myself.
Sinanay mo ako hanggang sa ikaw ang nagsawa. Sinanay at pinaniwala mo ako sa maraming bagay, naging tapat ka sa mga sinabi mo sa akin and you treated me like a princess but bakit you threw me out like trash? Pero like sa video hindi ko alam kung ano ang dahilan kung bakit biglang isang araw biglaan ka na lang nagbago. Bakit bigla mo na lang ako iniwan, bakit bigla ka na lang napagod, bakit bigla mo na lang ako pinagpalit? Sana bago ka umalis tinuruan mo man lang ako kung paano masanay na wala ka. Before you came I was scared to give all the love I have, when you came I gave you all the love there is even the love that I never knew I have but when you left you took everything away from me. I can still remember how it all started but still wondering how it ended. Sobrang layo mo sa idea guy ko at compared to those who were before you, hindi ko alam how and why I fell for you but I took the risk. Remember the time na nagka-misunderstanding kami ni Mommy? I ran away from home at hindi ko alam kung bakit ikaw ang una kong naisip na takbuhan. I took a cab with not much cash in my pocket, sobrang dilim na nun at binaba ako sa along Carriedo then I was scared kasi hindi ako sanay sa place na yun so I asked the "kagawad" na nagroronda that time, naka-motor siya. And when I got to your doorstep I was surprised to find you there, it was already midnight. I didn't even have my phone with me because mom confiscated it, funny how I found you there on your doorstep and just hang up the phone with my mom. Hindi ko alam why she called you up. I asked you bakit ka nasa labas holding your car keys and you told me na sabi sayo ni mommy that I ran away at kaya ka nasa labas because you would go and find me kahit hindi mo alam kung saan ako hahanapin. Pero after a year or two I ran away not from home but from you because we had an argument but this time you didn't go after me, I asked you why at sinabi mo sakin kasi hindi mo alam kung saan ako hahanapin. Ang sakit how things changed. Katulad ka lang din pala nilang lahat.
Paano nga ba makalimot sa isang taong minahal mo ng lubusan? 'Yung taong minahal mo ng higit pa sa lahat. I tried to do everything that would distract me from thinking and remembering things about how we used to be. I hated how I look when we were together; Timehop sucks! It brings back so much memories, moments I had with you that are now just part of my past. Ang haggard ko, ang payat ko sobra, pero alam mo kung ano? I don't know how to bring that smile back, that smile I had when we were together, that smile I used to have because I know that I have you with me. Totoong hindi mahirap makalimot, ang mahirap ay ang tumanggap sa mga bagay na wala na. It's been a year and few months since we said good-bye pero hanggang ngayon masakit pa rin. Minsan hindi ko pa rin maiwasang masaktan, malungkot, magalit. Naniwala ako sa mga bagay na hindi ko pinaniniwalaan nung dumating ka, binigyan mo ako ng pag-asa maniwala. Pero alam ko darating din ung time na magiging okay ako ulit, hindi man kita makakalimutan pero darating ung panahon na mapapatawad din kita sa lahat ng ginawa mo sa akin. Mapapatawad din kita at magiging masaya ako ulit.
Why is it that every time I fall, I fall so hard, so deeply in love. They may have pushed me a million times on the same edge and I never get tired of climbing back up and fall all over again. Getting back up was never easy, because with every fall I get bruises and scars everywhere and I try to stand firm like I'm not even damaged nor pained. How could it even be possible and that easy to give up on someone who wouldn't have given up on you. What went wrong? You know you have been terribly wronged but still you're the one asking to yourself what went wrong while he's now with someone new and thinking that everything he did was as just right as it is. Was it that easy to just switch from one love to another just because you got tired you went looking for someone new. Was is that easy to replace the one you said you love more than love itself? If this is what loving more than love itself meant then I don't want to love no more. There's more pain than love that I ever felt yet I managed to stay with you while you went walking away.
You don't know how hurtful it is to sit there and wait for hours for someone you love to see them for a minute, to check on them but when they saw you they'd just drag you around and send you home because they're busy when it was obvious that they aren't. You don't know how hurtful it is to be with the person you love the most staring at their eyes hoping you'd see their soul but what you can now see is that he is somewhere far from where he's suppose to be, with you. You don't know how hurtful it is wanting to hold their hand so tight and never let go but whenever you try to his fingers won't even lock to yours, he's not losing grip because he has completely let you go he's just waiting for you to tell him that you're tired. You don't know how it feels to try to not to stay up late and think of you and never to sleep alone because I wanted to be so close to you knowing that you're sleeping soundly at night with that someone whom you say your goodnight to. You don't know how hurtful it is wanting to spend the rest of my life with you when you've already pictured yourself with her. You don't know how much it terribly kills whenever I tell you I love you and all I can ever hear was your breath saying that it's over between us. I don't love hurting myself, I'm not a masochist nor a martyr of love but I became one. You don't know how I try to sleep and wake up drowning with tears. You don't know how I felt when I know it was my birthday and yet I don't want to add up another year but to end the counting right there and then. Everything's different now from how you kiss me to the way you look at me, oh wait. You can't even look at me straight in the eyes no more not even a glimpse. I died a million times everyday seeing you living freely and happily while I was gasping for air to live. My love for you killed me and funny how the pain revived me and brought me back to life. And then again the question is, why was I always never enough for love? /MS/ (JULY 2015)
How can you be so sure of someone who loves you more than you can ever imagine. Someone who has gone beyond the greater description of romantic love, but then fall apart every time, had your heart broken so many times, cry until there's no more tears to fall when he's not even the reason at all. It's them, the most important people in his life who just goes along with you because you're his present girlfriend but then they really love his ex-girlfriend whom they been together for 2 years. It has been 5 to 7 years since they broke up, he had another girlfriend after that ex and before me, they've been together for 2 years and a half.
I could have understand why, but it seems like they're treating me like trash. He's changed ever since he met me, I myself too change when I met him. We love each other so much more than we both could think that we can love someone so much. But it's them, they're the obstacle, they're the challenge that we have to face and live with everyday. We've been together for almost 2 years now, but still they want that 5 to 7 years ago ex. Oh well, it's hard to explain and scribble down to the very beginning and explain how can I say that this relationship of ours differ from our past relationships.
The last time I wrote and had a blog was way back 2008 I guess, and here I once started blogging again. I couldn't tell my parents how I feel, especially to my mom. Because every time I tell her about how his family is hurting and disrespecting me all the time even though I'm not crying I can see in my mom's eyes how she knows how much I feel so broken deep within. She knows how I loved my past boyfriends, and she knows very well how much I love this guy whom I'm with right now so much more, much more than love. I can't even tell this to my closest cousin as well because whenever I look into her eyes too, I can see how much she wants to hug me. No one in my family has ever saw me and heard of me like this, I had my heart broken before yes but this is completely different.
That feeling when you both love each other so much but his family approves of you, welcomes you, but doesn't really love you. Can you imagine being invited and attending to one of his family's big celebration and see his ex there with his cousins, and you feel like you don't exist at all. He was with me then and never left my side, but it hurts me every time, every day, I was a war freak but I stopped being that since I met him. My family knows that if it wasn't just because of him I could have done something wrong to them. I wanted to slap them in the face, pull their hair, shout and scream at them, punch them straight in the face, but I can't, I mustn't, it's so hard to keep your anger, hatred, and sorrow to yourself. I would always talk to God, "God, yes I thank You that You heard my prayers. (yes, I prayed for him and never even knew he exists. God has given me the signs I asked of and God has given me him, someone greater than what I prayed for) but why do we need to argue because of his family's fault. I don't want this to happen, we both love each other but why does it have to be this hard, it's so hard, we're torn in between. If this is hard for me, I know that it's harder for him. I don't know what to do, sometimes I think of leaving him though each time I try I just really can't. I don't know what I should do or how to feel, or even how to keep this, I can't bear it anymore, it too much pain so much hurtful. God, help me please. He's all I ever wanted, all I ever need, all I ever love. I gave up everything for him, my dream (though I was getting there into reaching it) I focused on my studies because he made me realize that I already need to graduate college. They're so disrespectful, they enjoy hurting me, making me look like a fool, and making me feel guilty. God why does it have to be this way? But then, if this is how it's suppose to be then maybe I'll try to live with this pain and endure it. I just can't really lose him."
But no matter how much I try to live with it, it really hurts. And people who keep on talking about how much it's okay, it's not, I wanted to tell them that "don't talk as if you know and can feel how I'm feeling right now". It once was a perfect love for us that became complicated because of them.
(JUNE 2013)
_________________________________________________________________________________Everyone has a heart for love even the heartless. Love is our strongest and weakest point, there is nothing in between. We live, fight, and die for love. I see nothing in the light and see everything in the dark. It is easy to fall in love but a billion fold hurtful to let go. For what was once a beautiful dream turned into a horrible nightmare. The blazing fire of love cooled down and burned into ashes. Wanting to revive, wanting to survive because you needed it to be alive. The tragic death of your heart gave birth to give you a new life. Why is it that every time you love truly and deeply you always end up hurting terribly? What does destiny have in hand for you? Were you meant to feel pain and hurt your whole life? Every love song doesn't remind you of only one person. It reminds you of those whom you loved and left you. You keep wondering why would love just always come passing by but won't stay.
You used to tell me I always deserve the best there is in life and so you gave it all to me, all the best you can offer. But where are you now? Is this the best that you're talking about? Do I deserve to be loved, hurt, shattered, betrayed, and left? Then why? You said you love me more than love itself, so is this what more than love itself is? Then why? Was is as simple as just a snap of a finger to leave it all behind like nothing happened, like I was no one, like love never came to exist, like you never even loved me. I was so strong being alone and you were weak being alone, I found my weakness in you and you found your strength from leaving me out in the blue. Love was there it was true, fantasy existed in reality but not until forever faded into never. It was a thirty-one (31)-month fairy tale. How it all began was just like how meeting someone unexpectedly depicted in Disney, Nicholas Sparks' novels, movies. The one that you've been dreaming of for years; I've been having this dream of someone wearing white in front of me, holding my hand while we're walking in a very crowded place. He was taller than me, but too short for my ideal guy. That slow-mo that he's the only one that you can see like there's only the two of you in the world. Time stops and everything and everyone else seems to disappear and it's just him who's too clear not to see. I'm very an out-going person so I meet random strangers almost everyday, continuously dreaming about that anonymous guy over and over again almost every night until one day I met someone unexpectedly in the most unexpected way. Time stood still, everything turned blurred but him. He was a complete stranger, the night after that I had the dream again but this time the guy who remained anonymous for years finally turned around and I saw his face. I woke up, wondering why. Among everyone else, I had several boyfriends, MU's, and went out on dates but never have I seen their faces in my dream especially this mysterious dream, just him. It was so crazy how it all started and now it's just a fantasy into reality that ended up in tragedy.
One day I won't need to wear a mask, I won't need to fake a smile, I will laugh with laughter and no longer laugh to hide the pain. I still keep on asking WHY? Why does it have to be this way? Why do we have to end so tragically? Why did you cheat on me? Why did you leave me? Why have you done this to me? Do I deserve this kind of pain? Do I deserve this? I wonder if I ever cross your mind even for a split second in a day. Did you threw out all those memories that were kept in your drawer? What comes to your mind when you see our collections? What about when you look at paint on the walls of your room? Every stroke, every brush, the colors itself. I believed in something that was nonexistent, I had faith in love because of you. I believed in you. I believed in us and I held on to it while you undoubtedly let go.
I almost died loving someone who lived like I never existed. You showered me with so much love and drowned me with so much pain. You were the main reason why I became fearless in loving, why I took the risk of falling in love. Maybe we were meant to be unmeant after all. Why does it feel like I'm not feeling anything? Don't I really feel anything or I'm just choosing not to care because I already know where this leads. I should know where this would lead. Am I really over him? Why does it feel like somehow I still care? Well, maybe because at one point in time he was my everything that when it ended I was left with nothing. I can barely remember his voice, the way he laughs, his smile, his everyday routine, how he dresses up to the way he dries his feet with a different towel. The way he sleeps and the way he looks. It seems to me like he only existed in my dream. It was like I was asleep for 3 years and when I woke up he's just one great and terrible dream at the same time. It doesn't haunt me no more but it still pains me. Why is it so?
I have never loved someone more than I love myself, my religion, my family, and my life. I never even believed that it could be possible to love someone so much that you'd be willing to risk it all for them. He could have been the one I'd be sleeping and waking up each day with, he could have been the one that I'd go to places I've never been, the one that I'd be going on adventures with, enjoying all the scrumptious foods in various places with. The one that could have been my buddy in everything, movies, cuddles, arcades, karaokes, dance floors. He could have been the one I'm enjoying watching all the silly videos we made, the one that could have been by my side reminiscing moments from our photos together, talking about anything under the sun. Star gazing, taking the dogs out for a walk, biking, strolling, picnics, travel, road trips, and sweet nothings.
He could have been the one I'm sharing every moment with, celebrating every red-letter-day with. Anything, everything could have turned into something but it all ended with nothing. He was my knight in shining armor, my prince charming, my Romeo, my happily ever after, my happiness and sorrow, my strength and weakness, my possible and impossible. He was everything I ever dreamed of; he was my fantasy in reality. He could have been the one I'd lovingly spend the remaining days of my life with, the one that I'd love to see when I get home from work, the one who'd be called "Daddy" by my children, the one I'd be with through anything.
I gave him all the love I never knew existed, I was at my worst and he loved me at his best as I did loved him that much too. I guess he never even really loved me more than love itself. He could have been the one that I would love 'til we're eighty, he could have been the one that I would love 'til my last breath. But to him I'm a headache thus he gave me heartache that would take much time to heal, he was my forever but to him I was his whatever, he was my everything but to him I was nothing. He's not just someone because he could have been the one.
Love doesn't always happen at first sight, sometimes it's by
falling-- developing feelings unexpectedly, and sometimes we may think it's by
accident. Having that someone as a part of your life is a choice; being close
friends is a choice. At first things were so right, sharing laughter, silly
stories, secrets, pain, and hurt. But as days went by, why does it all of a
sudden changed into something else? Why? Where was the guy whom I knew? The guy
whom I enjoyed being with? Why did you go away?
Things don't always fall into the right place, and that was what
happened. Please don't treat me this way because I know I'll never have a
chance with you. There could never be an us. A dream began a dream that is only
meant for dreaming. A love that is only meant for wishing.
Everything is an illusion, I was deceived by your sweetness, and
maybe I assumed it was something else. I was captured by your actions, and I
fell into your arms. The rain is pouring. I feel cold, could you still be here
for me like the old days when you lock me into your arms, and feel the warmth
of your sweet embrace? I begin to shiver, shiver not from feeling cold but from
the coldness of us. It wasn't supposed to be like this, this isn't right. I
want to stop myself from falling further more so please stop treating me so
special. I don't need it but I want it, I want you, I wanted
you. /KA/ (SEPTEMBER 2010)
