Always never enough

Why is it that every time I fall, I fall so hard, so deeply in love. They may have pushed me a million times on the same edge and I never get tired of climbing back up and fall all over again. Getting back up was never easy, because with every fall I get bruises and scars everywhere and I try to stand firm like I'm not even damaged nor pained. How could it even be possible and that easy to give up on someone who wouldn't have given up on you. What went wrong? You know you have been terribly wronged but still you're the one asking to yourself what went wrong while he's now with someone new and thinking that everything he did was as just right as it is.  Was it that easy to just switch from one love to another just because you got tired you went looking for someone new. Was is that easy to replace the one you said you love more than love itself? If this is what loving more than love itself meant then I don't want to love no more. There's more pain than love that I ever felt yet I managed to stay with you while you went walking away. 

You don't know how hurtful it is to sit there and wait for hours for someone you love to see them for a minute, to check on them but when they saw you they'd just drag you around and send you home  because they're busy when it was obvious that they aren't. You don't know how hurtful it is to be with the person you love the most staring at their eyes hoping you'd see their soul but what you can now see is that he is somewhere far from where he's suppose to be, with you. You don't know how hurtful it is wanting to hold their hand so tight and never let go but whenever you try to his fingers won't even lock to yours, he's not losing grip because he has completely let you go he's just waiting for you to tell him that you're tired. You don't know how it feels to try to not to stay up late and think of you and never to sleep alone because I wanted to be so close to you knowing that you're sleeping soundly at night with that someone whom you say your goodnight to. You don't know how hurtful it is wanting to spend the rest of my life with you when you've already pictured yourself with her. You don't know how much it terribly kills whenever I tell you I love you and all I can ever hear was your breath saying that it's over between us. I don't love hurting myself, I'm not a masochist nor a martyr of love but I became one. You don't know how I try to sleep and wake up drowning with tears. You don't know how I felt when I know it was my birthday and yet I don't want to add up another year but to end the counting right there and then. Everything's different now from how you kiss me to the way you look at me, oh wait. You can't even look at me straight in the eyes no more not even a glimpse. I died a million times everyday seeing you living freely and happily while I was gasping for air to live. My love for you killed me and funny how the pain revived me and brought me back to life. And then again the question is, why was I always never enough for love?

/MS/
(JULY 2015)