High School Best Friend

I felt like an outcast; it was the first day of class in my new school. I was already in the 2^nd year of high school, wore a red checkered skirt and plain white blouse with strikes of red checkered vertical line on each side. Flag ceremony on Monday morning, I was beside no one even until we reached the classroom and knowing no one I chose to sit at the very back of the room. This Rapunzel with dark shiny hair seated near me, we talked because we were both scavengers asking for who has a piece of paper. From there we became friends; we had formed a 4-member friendship and named it BRG (Beautiful Rockin’ Girls) with Franze Cabarrubias and Charlene Rivera. We became very close, we treated each other like sisters, and we learned that we a lot in common.

Whenever her mom sends some chocolates from Bahrain we eat it under the teacher’s table so that no one would ask for some. I would guard the front door and she would guard the back door and no one is allowed to enter not unless they give us food. Yes, we’re kind of bully but not so. During flag ceremony we throw our bags by the gate and go to school a bit late and no one would know because our bags are there. She’s makes silly stuffs like she writes an excuse on our Correspondence notebook and we’d get out of school freely. At times we cut classes, whenever we feel lazy to go to school we’d go straight to SM Manila McDonald’s and wait for 10am when the mall opens then play at Worlds of Fun or stroll around. Sometimes we head out to SM MOA the times when the flat rates of cabs were only PHP20, with a budget of 500 pesos we are able to survive just for the sake of gallivanting. Though we are both crazy we never forget to do well in class, we’re the partners in crime. She sleeps over at my pad and I sleep over at hers. We’re total lunatics that we tend to speak sarcastically when around anyone.

I remember than whenever I get close to someone else she has this obsession of bullying that someone to keep them away from me. Yes, a total lunatic indeed but I know that she just really loves me as much. We eat a lot, we love eating but actually she loves cooking and eating while I only love eating. I have no interest in cooking that’s why whenever we’re together she wants to hit me with the pan because as she is cooking I keep on eating. I came from a very profound exclusive school in the Metro so I was culture shocked when I transferred there but she made it worthwhile. I was really “maarte” but she taught me how to be “jeproks”, how to live simply yet cool. During recess and lunch time our way was that she would bring a can opener and I would bring canned goods then we will just buy rice at the canteen and ask for plastic utensils because we are broke and we are saving up our allowance so we can bond outside school. As for our drink, there is a drinking fountain at the corner so no worries. We would just tear off the plastic where the rice is and eat it then and there with the canned goods. Solved! I was supposing to study there for only a year but because of her I’ve decided to finish high school there. Junior year came but sadly we’re not classmates, we both had to deal with it. We gained new friends but still we go to each other’s classroom just to check out each other and still “pasaway” as we are, we cut class and stay at the comfort room since no one checks students there. I find it hard to make new friends without her because she’s the only one who got me so comfortable in this new environment but though we’re not together she never left me. She was always still there for me, best friend. We still go out often as much as we can even until our Senior year, when we went to college things were totally different. We saw each other again during her sister and my brother’s high school graduation (since they are batch mates as well), but the last time we saw each other was during her debut. It was very heartwarming to know that she never forgets me even until now that she has graduated college and working abroad. We may not get to communicate nor see each other anymore but the friendship still remains and would never fade away. She is the wind beneath my wings, my best friend, my tol. We may find it mushy but I love and miss you tol, my best friend.

You're now starting a new chapter in your life and it came as a surprise. You were never secretive not until now that you're married and expecting a little munchkin on the way, we'd be oceans apart but you know that I would always be here for you. 

(NOVEMBER 2015)

Dearest Lord

THE IMMORTAL HEART:

Hello Papa God,

                          I've been thinking about this lately. Why do I have an immortal heart? This heart has been shattered for almost centrillion times but it never gets tired. Gets weak but never gets tired. It seems to revive itself. At a young age it has been broken, at a young age it has been wounded, at a young age it first died. I remember that night when Dad hurt Mom. That night when he tied Mom while she was on her third trimester with my baby brother. That night when he held a bolo in his hand and was aiming for Mom. That night when my grandparents were banging the locked door of our room. That night when he ran after his parents with that bolo. That night when Mom was hysterically crying. That night when we packed our things. That night when we left Dad. That night when my heart was terribly broken. That night.

                   
                         Despite everything, I never hated my father. I never hated him not only because Mom reminded me to love him. Not only because she told me that whatever happens he's still my father.



HELLO PAPA GOD

Hello Papa God,

                          Bakit po ganun? Nakakatuwa na nakakatawa how my friends look up to me. Ngayon ko lang po ata na-realize again na... Oo nga, bakit hindi napapagod ang puso ko? Since I was a kid I have this problem with my breathing. Naninikip dibdib ko once in a while especially kapag nagiging excessive 'yung emotions and feelings ko. Minsan nga hindi ko alam bakit tumitibok pa rin heart ko. Pero alam ko naman po ang sagot. Dahil po Sa Inyo 'yun. I wonder how a heart like this still functions well despite everything it has been through. Bakit nga po ba hindi ako napapagod magmahal ng totoo? Hindi natatakot na ma-balewala lang ulit? Hindi napapagod masaktan ulit? The truth actually is that... I'm really tired and scared but then I don't know bakit ganito pa rin. No matter how many times ko sabihin na ayaw ko na, pagod na ako, suko na ako, masakit na, awat na muna. Wala pa rin. Sige pa rin ng sige 'yung puso ko. How can this heart be filled with so much love when all my life it was what I've always been longing to have? 

If you love me enough, you would set me free

Dear Dad,

                We haven't spoken for a while. I think it has been four months now since we last talked and saw each other, I remember so well that very last time. Everything seems going well that I even decided to skip my acting class that day to be with you, to bond with you, we were partners in crime dad. I slept over at your girlfriend's place because you're there, I want to be with you even though until now I still dislike her and you know why--she's the reason why our family is fucked up, the reason why mom decided to leave you and take us with her. The reason why everything is broken including your relationship ties with your whole clan. You've always been a womanizer since time immemorial, I witnessed how you banged mom's head on the wall and accused her of false things, things that you've clearly made up, why? Because you were so scared she'll do to you what you've been doing to her. I saw how you almost killed mom using an ax when you tied her with a cable when she was pregnant with my brother. You never gave me and my brother financial nor moral support as we were growing up even until now. Once in a while you come to see us with one of your three official girlfriends but barely even loved us, you're fond of people praising you and looking up to you given the position you have right now. Where do we stand in your life dad? Despite all of these I never hated you because mom kept telling me that no matter what has happened or happens you're still our dad. I've loved you despite all of these dad, despite all of this. I never even demanded you for things I know you'd be forced to do.

                I did well in school dad even though there were times I slightly fucked up but I was able to make up for it. I passed my SAT's, exams, recitations, essays. I did everything more than I think I could. I pushed myself to my limits, I was scared to face all of it and venture into something new but need to do it because I want to become a better person. Still you think everything I do means nothing and would not help me in anything or anyway possible. I handed you over photocopies of my certificates, my achievements, I called you up every time I achieve in anything still that cold-heart. I shake it off and continue to aim and achieve things. You feared so much that I might get pregnant at an early age but dad here I am, turning 24 this year and never got pregnant not aborted a child. Never did nor tried drugs in any form though I spent time with friends who do. Never smoked cigarette nor weed. I did partied and traveled a lot but I never neglected my responsibilities and took care of myself and my brothers, also mom. Dad, I did everything why can't you trust me on this? Why can't you be proud of me? Why can't you love me and support me?

                Do you even remember that you didn't come to my high school graduation even though you knew I'll be receiving an award? I wanted you and mom to come up the stage with me when I receive that award but you were never there. Three years after you did the same thing to my brother, he even has a medal, we wanted you there dad. We wanted and needed you to be there but where were you? We keep on forgiving you over and over again but this time it's too much. We both tried and continually try to make ourselves better because we know you'll never be there for us no matter how much we talk to you about it. I am getting closer every day to my dream: weren't you the one who told me to aim high, keep on giving all the best I can, do as much as I can do and even better. That you never doubted that I can be the best I can be. Dad I got an unconditional offer to study law in London in a good uni-- City University London, are you even proud? I participated in both Global and National conventions-- represented the country, carrying your name, I got my TESOL and TEFL, I rendered three-year service to the government, became a youth leader and lead my fellow youth leaders when I was elected to become president of my district, was a national youth representative, and so on but I never heard the words "I'm proud of you, anak". I worked so hard for this dad, I worked so hard to get this far and now that I have the opportunity to make you so proud of me. But here you are being a hindrance to my dream, dad this isn't only for me this is for you and for everyone I can help. I can't stand seeing mom and my brothers trying to okay living in a small house with dangers everywhere every day, I can't stand that you let your parents, my grandparents sleep on the floor of the 'barangay'. If you can't be proud of me, just please let me do things so I can be proud of myself.

              I still don't hate you for this but I am deeply heartbroken. I am thankful for all the pain you caused me since I was a kid because all of those made me stronger but this one? I can't help but fall apart, I can't help but breakdown and die a little more every day. I know you love me but if you love me enough you'll let me go. I just want to leave and live dad. I want to be proud of myself, I want you to be proud of me. All I'm asking is for you to trust me that I can do this dad, can't you just be proud of me and support me achieve me ultimate goal in life? Just this once, I hope you'll be a dad to me and my brother. Let me go to London and study law, dad. If I don't need your financial help you know how much of a headstrong I am, but dad it's not like this is something that would ruin my life. That's all I ask of you, dad.

(MARCH 2017)

Crying my heart out

I've been talking to this special guy I met online about eight months ago. We talk every day and night, whenever we both have time. We have this some kind of mutual understanding. No, we're not together but if he would ask me, my answer would definitely be a 'yes'. He surprisingly called me up and we talked about random things for an hour or so. In this complicated situation we managed to keep going and stick with each other, we respect each other's individuality. Everything's going well, we're okay though at times I'm in the mood for a petty argument. I love how he says my name, it's the best sound I ever heard. His sweet deep voice is music to my ears. I can't actually remember everything we talked about on that phone call because I kept my eyes closed through the whole conversation, imagining he's in front of me and I'm just staring at his face being grateful for his existence. Lost in his eyes. But I knew I had to end this soon. I can't be foolish enough to let it take on me and hang myself in that idea again. I can't, soon enough I'll have the courage and the strength to leave.

(NOVEMBER 2016)
_________________________________________________________________________________You've consumed my thoughts and have the power to change my mood in an instant but sadly, you also have the strength to break me into pieces once in a while. It's been nine long months, I tried. I feel for you so much that it strangles me to death coz it feels like I'm the only whose feelings are invested on this, time, effort, everything despite all the complications in this situation. What happened? You spoke of sweet nothings is that it? That I shouldn't have fell for and believed in the first place. Why did I even bothered giving you the chance and entrusted you with my recovering heart? This is so foolish and stupid of me. I hold you responsible for all the chaos you've cause in my world. I was blinded enough to give in and fall back to you each time. I don't deserve this but why am I staying? I'm staying because you deserve to be loved in the best both possible and impossible way there is and I'm giving it to you though you keep complaining it's too much. I am too much. You asked me to step back yet each time I do and try to let you, you stop me from moving away. You and your mixed signals yet I allow this to happen and get stuck in this grey area. You don't know how much I want to love you so hard to let you know that I see you beyond your imperfections but you don't want me to, you won't allow me to. You chose to be a fence-sitter and hold back each time. You're breaking my heart and try not to feel guilty about it. There's so many other people that surrounds us yet I choose you. They can be physically with me that I don't have to beg for their time and attention but I choose you over them, I should keep my options open but I'm staying loyal to you even when it's unofficial, even if we're miles apart, even we're two complete strangers still. You don't know how much it hurts me that I can't be there with you. I'm left with no other option but to wait for couple of months to make things work and hope this could be possible but until then we need to hold on. Or if one decides to let go, I hope you stop being like an iceberg firm and cold with so much underneath than seen in the surface. We're free to do whatever, choose whoever, live our lives separately coz we're not together. One day when I get to finally meet you, I'd look straight and deep into your eyes and let you feel the words my heart had been dying to tell you just because you've build a wall around you, a space between us, you've kept the door shut for a while now. Even if we're not meant to be or we won't work out, I'd still keep a space in my heart for you. I'd still give you a piece of my heart, a piece of me because at one point in my life you came unexpectedly and let me experience and believe something that only exists in the depths of my heart.

/MX/
(JANUARY 2017)

The best way to love

The best way to love is from afar. Silently loving someone whom you know you'll never stand a chance with, slowly falling though you know you'll end up hurting twice as much. That feeling that you're in one forgotten corner loving and hurting at the same time. Hush now and don't you worry because one day you'll move on and no one but you yourself would know that you have felt this way. Why give it a shot when you know from the start that you have actually failed? If you knew it would be same as one of those unrequited love that you had before then you could've saved yourself by keeping mum about it. At times you wonder if it's better than admitting them, keep away from falling and getting yourself hurt pretending you're not pained.

You ask yourself, how did this all came to be? It was when you had no choice but to leave your dad and go with your mum because of emotional instability caused by his unending infidelity. It was when you realized that the stars on your ceiling were not one of those you see when you lie down the roof and look for constellations. It was when you realized that you can never be a princess like those you see on your books and VHS tapes. It was when you had to say goodbye to your kinder best friend because it was time to grow up and move to a big school. It was when your teacher scolded you in front of the whole batch. It was when your classmates asked you why aren't your parents together. It was when you got bruised and brought yourself to the clinic. It was when you took summer class because you were too scared to approach the teacher during school days and ask for a tutor. It was when you thought they were your friends but they ended up making you a laughing stock because of your dreams. It was when you started losing yourself and failed your classes. It was when the school kicked you out and you had to move to a different school. It was when no one wants to be your friend. It was when everyone was against you. It was when you thought you were okay but you were not. It was when you knew he was the one but turns out it was a perfect ingredient for heartache. It was when alcohol drowned your liver. It was when death came to you. It was when all these tears never seem to stop from falling. It was when your fragile heart kept on aching and breaking. It was when all your dreams were shattered and everyone else was already ahead of you.

That was when you started to be your usual self but not really. That was when you tried your best in everything you do. That was when you realized that in silence is where tranquility truly lies. It is when you chose to keep things to yourself rather than ending up beaten by the cruel world. You are not a coward neither are you courageous. You are one of a kind, you are something that is rare and magnificent that a word to describe you hasn't been invented yet. You have a heart that is as precious as the blue diamond, as important as the air we breath, and as dazzling as the crown of the queen. You are a mystery to be unfold that carries a story yet to be told. Stay there darling, hang on. Time will come that your silence will utter the words that only one person will be able to hear.

What's the thing about falling in love and getting into a relationship is that you get hurt. So basically I'm just riddled with scars; don't worry hurting my feelings because I've been left in the dark so many times that I've grown to expect it. When I unintentionally hurt you the other way around, I'm sorry but I'm not really ignoring you I am just protecting my heart. I am not scared with commitment because I know myself, that I am most definitely faithful. But not right now, not yet, I am not ready yet. Honestly, I haven't really healed yet and I am not into something serious again, not yet and not so soon but maybe in time.

I don't regret letting all the serious and good ones go because I'm just simply not ready. I want to be fair, people deserve that. I don't want anyone to love me though they aren't expecting anything in return because we all deserve to be loved in return, I won't hurt nor break anyone apart just because someone devastatingly tore me to pieces. What I am doing right now is distancing myself whenever I start to catch feelings and keep mum about it and most of the time be sweet towards someone who's sweet as candy too. Yet, I don't sugar-coat things; reciprocate the sweetness but don't fall for me 'coz I won't fall for you. For now, just don't expect anything serious or real from me. I am not heartless my heart is just too fragile to let it take the risk again.

(OCTOBER 2016)

2 months after

It has been two months since I was hospitalized, that made me realize a lot of things. I once thought that the "YOLO" thing was just nothing, same thing with "Live everyday like it's your last", and the like. But then I remember that moment when I could barely open my eyes and all that is clear to me is that I can see light, then I went back to sleep; it felt like I've been asleep for such a long time. I don't have any assurance that if I go back to sleep I'd still have the chance to wake up, so when I was getting better the first thing I did was to say 'Thank You' to God. I'm not really afraid to die, but I am very thankful that I am alive, that He gave me another chance to continue to live. 

There's more to life than pain and suffering. It's true that we all have to live everyday like it's our last. I'm now doing everything I should have done and enjoyed years back, I don't regret anything 'coz it still once made me happy. There's so much learning and realization in it and I am thankful for the hurt it caused me, if not for it maybe I wouldn't be who I am right now and who I will become later in the near future. From the agony I have gained more strength, it made me better than who I was. I am getting better and better everyday and in every way. Thank you to those people who never left me in my deepest darkest times, friends, relatives, and most especially my family. And to you who was the main reason why I got back up, you were there for me when I was still reminiscing and feeling blue. You pulled me back to the right track led me back to the life that I deserve, I simply thank you.

I am truly blessed with true people in my life. We must know that some people and some moments were meant to be part of our lives not permanently but only for a moment, but along with that they have a valuable lesson that taught us a lot.

(NOVEMBER 2014)

Maybe in time

I never believed in the possibility that the 21st century advancement on technology can actually create a special bond between two individuals who are separated by thousands of miles and oceans. You piqued my interest because of your stunning physique. Luckily you noticed me first and we had each other on private message moved to Viber then Snapchat got into the picture. The next thing I know we were talking about our common interests and differences, our present, past, and unknowingly looking forward into being together in the future. You weren't just the attractive guy that you seem to be but also you are one hell of an Einstein yourself, plus the fact that you are family-oriented and goal-driven. You admire your parents' love for each other and wanting to have the same as your own. You were EVERYTHING I pictured my 'the one' to be. Things went well as days go by, we discover and learn new things about each other though we're apart. Took it to the next level and awakened our fascination on old-fashioned ways such as hand-written letters. I know it was something real, I know that it was possible. I know because I felt it, I felt our love. Slowly we were drifting apart because of the oceans that keeps us apart and it broke my heart.

We almost had it, I almost loved you more than you deserved to be loved. We almost became possible, you were almost mine and I was almost yours. The force was inviting and was too much that we got drowned. I wanted you so bad but things aren't going well that I had to sacrifice what I was feeling just for you to breath freely once more. Even though it was hard to say good bye, I had no choice but to do it and so I thought of a way to remind you how much I feel for you and finally let go of what we almost were. I came up of this surprise explosion box and had it mailed to you. I tried to ignore you since then.

After few weeks we still managed to keep in touch and cleared things up that we won't be entertaining the thought of what once were. Somehow it still goes to show that the feelings were never gone. Once in a while either one of us would be saying things that connects to the past that we had and the other tries to avoid it. You still have a place in my heart that I can't seem to shut. I was certain about what I feel for you but I guess the stars didn't align which leads us to where we are right now. Slowly but surely I was moving on, escaping the thought of you, avoided every chance I had to contact you or even check on you. I'm still hurting because I promised myself right after I was discharged form the hospital two years ago that I would never love anyone ever again. Love crushes me every time and I had to buy time just to pick up the broken pieces and re-arrange them each time. I must admit that you still have the power to change my mood with a snap of a finger. I will never forget what we had, I will never forget you, it's still you but I need to let go before I completely fall and lock myself up into the same old pit I tried to escape from. We can't go on anymore.

It's crazy how I actually thought that we could be each other's love, I can't deny that I thought about it as often as much. But now, we need to go our separate ways. You had the chance, I've let you in yet you didn't see how special you were and threw it all away. If you're scared so am I but I chose to take a stand for you and you never did the same thing. I don't blame you for any of it, but I want you to know this is where I leave it all behind. It has almost been a month since I last communicated with you and last night you surprisingly viewed my snaps, you even managed to send a message and video. Guess what? I'm leaving it unnoticed. I'm not yet ready to actually say good bye but I hope you read my actions and I'm asking you to respect my decision. I have to do this for myself, I don't want to get hurt again by loving someone who only loves me with his conditions. I don't deserve that kind of love.

And now, you're back. Here you are trying to win me back. Trying to patch things up and giving another shot on what could be possible. I still feel for you, but not as stronger as before. I wanted you but where were you when I was enticed by that love? You were just there pushing me away. Maybe now you're ready to take a chance that's why you've came back. But, now, I'm the one who's having second thoughts. We can never take back the words we said, and partly because of the things you uttered months ago and the way you acted woke me up. It won't work, it simply won't. We may give it a try once I learn how to love you again without any doubts. Maybe in time...

/MX/
(OCTOBER 2016)