The best way to love

The best way to love is from afar. Silently loving someone whom you know you'll never stand a chance with, slowly falling though you know you'll end up hurting twice as much. That feeling that you're in one forgotten corner loving and hurting at the same time. Hush now and don't you worry because one day you'll move on and no one but you yourself would know that you have felt this way. Why give it a shot when you know from the start that you have actually failed? If you knew it would be same as one of those unrequited love that you had before then you could've saved yourself by keeping mum about it. At times you wonder if it's better than admitting them, keep away from falling and getting yourself hurt pretending you're not pained.

You ask yourself, how did this all came to be? It was when you had no choice but to leave your dad and go with your mum because of emotional instability caused by his unending infidelity. It was when you realized that the stars on your ceiling were not one of those you see when you lie down the roof and look for constellations. It was when you realized that you can never be a princess like those you see on your books and VHS tapes. It was when you had to say goodbye to your kinder best friend because it was time to grow up and move to a big school. It was when your teacher scolded you in front of the whole batch. It was when your classmates asked you why aren't your parents together. It was when you got bruised and brought yourself to the clinic. It was when you took summer class because you were too scared to approach the teacher during school days and ask for a tutor. It was when you thought they were your friends but they ended up making you a laughing stock because of your dreams. It was when you started losing yourself and failed your classes. It was when the school kicked you out and you had to move to a different school. It was when no one wants to be your friend. It was when everyone was against you. It was when you thought you were okay but you were not. It was when you knew he was the one but turns out it was a perfect ingredient for heartache. It was when alcohol drowned your liver. It was when death came to you. It was when all these tears never seem to stop from falling. It was when your fragile heart kept on aching and breaking. It was when all your dreams were shattered and everyone else was already ahead of you.

That was when you started to be your usual self but not really. That was when you tried your best in everything you do. That was when you realized that in silence is where tranquility truly lies. It is when you chose to keep things to yourself rather than ending up beaten by the cruel world. You are not a coward neither are you courageous. You are one of a kind, you are something that is rare and magnificent that a word to describe you hasn't been invented yet. You have a heart that is as precious as the blue diamond, as important as the air we breath, and as dazzling as the crown of the queen. You are a mystery to be unfold that carries a story yet to be told. Stay there darling, hang on. Time will come that your silence will utter the words that only one person will be able to hear.

What's the thing about falling in love and getting into a relationship is that you get hurt. So basically I'm just riddled with scars; don't worry hurting my feelings because I've been left in the dark so many times that I've grown to expect it. When I unintentionally hurt you the other way around, I'm sorry but I'm not really ignoring you I am just protecting my heart. I am not scared with commitment because I know myself, that I am most definitely faithful. But not right now, not yet, I am not ready yet. Honestly, I haven't really healed yet and I am not into something serious again, not yet and not so soon but maybe in time.

I don't regret letting all the serious and good ones go because I'm just simply not ready. I want to be fair, people deserve that. I don't want anyone to love me though they aren't expecting anything in return because we all deserve to be loved in return, I won't hurt nor break anyone apart just because someone devastatingly tore me to pieces. What I am doing right now is distancing myself whenever I start to catch feelings and keep mum about it and most of the time be sweet towards someone who's sweet as candy too. Yet, I don't sugar-coat things; reciprocate the sweetness but don't fall for me 'coz I won't fall for you. For now, just don't expect anything serious or real from me. I am not heartless my heart is just too fragile to let it take the risk again.

(OCTOBER 2016)