The best way to love

The best way to love is from afar. Silently loving someone whom you know you'll never stand a chance with, slowly falling though you know you'll end up hurting twice as much. That feeling that you're in one forgotten corner loving and hurting at the same time. Hush now and don't you worry because one day you'll move on and no one but you yourself would know that you have felt this way. Why give it a shot when you know from the start that you have actually failed? If you knew it would be same as one of those unrequited love that you had before then you could've saved yourself by keeping mum about it. At times you wonder if it's better than admitting them, keep away from falling and getting yourself hurt pretending you're not pained.

You ask yourself, how did this all came to be? It was when you had no choice but to leave your dad and go with your mum because of emotional instability caused by his unending infidelity. It was when you realized that the stars on your ceiling were not one of those you see when you lie down the roof and look for constellations. It was when you realized that you can never be a princess like those you see on your books and VHS tapes. It was when you had to say goodbye to your kinder best friend because it was time to grow up and move to a big school. It was when your teacher scolded you in front of the whole batch. It was when your classmates asked you why aren't your parents together. It was when you got bruised and brought yourself to the clinic. It was when you took summer class because you were too scared to approach the teacher during school days and ask for a tutor. It was when you thought they were your friends but they ended up making you a laughing stock because of your dreams. It was when you started losing yourself and failed your classes. It was when the school kicked you out and you had to move to a different school. It was when no one wants to be your friend. It was when everyone was against you. It was when you thought you were okay but you were not. It was when you knew he was the one but turns out it was a perfect ingredient for heartache. It was when alcohol drowned your liver. It was when death came to you. It was when all these tears never seem to stop from falling. It was when your fragile heart kept on aching and breaking. It was when all your dreams were shattered and everyone else was already ahead of you.

That was when you started to be your usual self but not really. That was when you tried your best in everything you do. That was when you realized that in silence is where tranquility truly lies. It is when you chose to keep things to yourself rather than ending up beaten by the cruel world. You are not a coward neither are you courageous. You are one of a kind, you are something that is rare and magnificent that a word to describe you hasn't been invented yet. You have a heart that is as precious as the blue diamond, as important as the air we breath, and as dazzling as the crown of the queen. You are a mystery to be unfold that carries a story yet to be told. Stay there darling, hang on. Time will come that your silence will utter the words that only one person will be able to hear.

What's the thing about falling in love and getting into a relationship is that you get hurt. So basically I'm just riddled with scars; don't worry hurting my feelings because I've been left in the dark so many times that I've grown to expect it. When I unintentionally hurt you the other way around, I'm sorry but I'm not really ignoring you I am just protecting my heart. I am not scared with commitment because I know myself, that I am most definitely faithful. But not right now, not yet, I am not ready yet. Honestly, I haven't really healed yet and I am not into something serious again, not yet and not so soon but maybe in time.

I don't regret letting all the serious and good ones go because I'm just simply not ready. I want to be fair, people deserve that. I don't want anyone to love me though they aren't expecting anything in return because we all deserve to be loved in return, I won't hurt nor break anyone apart just because someone devastatingly tore me to pieces. What I am doing right now is distancing myself whenever I start to catch feelings and keep mum about it and most of the time be sweet towards someone who's sweet as candy too. Yet, I don't sugar-coat things; reciprocate the sweetness but don't fall for me 'coz I won't fall for you. For now, just don't expect anything serious or real from me. I am not heartless my heart is just too fragile to let it take the risk again.

(OCTOBER 2016)

2 months after

It has been two months since I was hospitalized, that made me realize a lot of things. I once thought that the "YOLO" thing was just nothing, same thing with "Live everyday like it's your last", and the like. But then I remember that moment when I could barely open my eyes and all that is clear to me is that I can see light, then I went back to sleep; it felt like I've been asleep for such a long time. I don't have any assurance that if I go back to sleep I'd still have the chance to wake up, so when I was getting better the first thing I did was to say 'Thank You' to God. I'm not really afraid to die, but I am very thankful that I am alive, that He gave me another chance to continue to live. 

There's more to life than pain and suffering. It's true that we all have to live everyday like it's our last. I'm now doing everything I should have done and enjoyed years back, I don't regret anything 'coz it still once made me happy. There's so much learning and realization in it and I am thankful for the hurt it caused me, if not for it maybe I wouldn't be who I am right now and who I will become later in the near future. From the agony I have gained more strength, it made me better than who I was. I am getting better and better everyday and in every way. Thank you to those people who never left me in my deepest darkest times, friends, relatives, and most especially my family. And to you who was the main reason why I got back up, you were there for me when I was still reminiscing and feeling blue. You pulled me back to the right track led me back to the life that I deserve, I simply thank you.

I am truly blessed with true people in my life. We must know that some people and some moments were meant to be part of our lives not permanently but only for a moment, but along with that they have a valuable lesson that taught us a lot.

(NOVEMBER 2014)

Maybe in time

I never believed in the possibility that the 21st century advancement on technology can actually create a special bond between two individuals who are separated by thousands of miles and oceans. You piqued my interest because of your stunning physique. Luckily you noticed me first and we had each other on private message moved to Viber then Snapchat got into the picture. The next thing I know we were talking about our common interests and differences, our present, past, and unknowingly looking forward into being together in the future. You weren't just the attractive guy that you seem to be but also you are one hell of an Einstein yourself, plus the fact that you are family-oriented and goal-driven. You admire your parents' love for each other and wanting to have the same as your own. You were EVERYTHING I pictured my 'the one' to be. Things went well as days go by, we discover and learn new things about each other though we're apart. Took it to the next level and awakened our fascination on old-fashioned ways such as hand-written letters. I know it was something real, I know that it was possible. I know because I felt it, I felt our love. Slowly we were drifting apart because of the oceans that keeps us apart and it broke my heart.

We almost had it, I almost loved you more than you deserved to be loved. We almost became possible, you were almost mine and I was almost yours. The force was inviting and was too much that we got drowned. I wanted you so bad but things aren't going well that I had to sacrifice what I was feeling just for you to breath freely once more. Even though it was hard to say good bye, I had no choice but to do it and so I thought of a way to remind you how much I feel for you and finally let go of what we almost were. I came up of this surprise explosion box and had it mailed to you. I tried to ignore you since then.

After few weeks we still managed to keep in touch and cleared things up that we won't be entertaining the thought of what once were. Somehow it still goes to show that the feelings were never gone. Once in a while either one of us would be saying things that connects to the past that we had and the other tries to avoid it. You still have a place in my heart that I can't seem to shut. I was certain about what I feel for you but I guess the stars didn't align which leads us to where we are right now. Slowly but surely I was moving on, escaping the thought of you, avoided every chance I had to contact you or even check on you. I'm still hurting because I promised myself right after I was discharged form the hospital two years ago that I would never love anyone ever again. Love crushes me every time and I had to buy time just to pick up the broken pieces and re-arrange them each time. I must admit that you still have the power to change my mood with a snap of a finger. I will never forget what we had, I will never forget you, it's still you but I need to let go before I completely fall and lock myself up into the same old pit I tried to escape from. We can't go on anymore.

It's crazy how I actually thought that we could be each other's love, I can't deny that I thought about it as often as much. But now, we need to go our separate ways. You had the chance, I've let you in yet you didn't see how special you were and threw it all away. If you're scared so am I but I chose to take a stand for you and you never did the same thing. I don't blame you for any of it, but I want you to know this is where I leave it all behind. It has almost been a month since I last communicated with you and last night you surprisingly viewed my snaps, you even managed to send a message and video. Guess what? I'm leaving it unnoticed. I'm not yet ready to actually say good bye but I hope you read my actions and I'm asking you to respect my decision. I have to do this for myself, I don't want to get hurt again by loving someone who only loves me with his conditions. I don't deserve that kind of love.

And now, you're back. Here you are trying to win me back. Trying to patch things up and giving another shot on what could be possible. I still feel for you, but not as stronger as before. I wanted you but where were you when I was enticed by that love? You were just there pushing me away. Maybe now you're ready to take a chance that's why you've came back. But, now, I'm the one who's having second thoughts. We can never take back the words we said, and partly because of the things you uttered months ago and the way you acted woke me up. It won't work, it simply won't. We may give it a try once I learn how to love you again without any doubts. Maybe in time...

/MX/
(OCTOBER 2016)

My thoughts and I

VIKINGS BUFFET

We went straight to the reservation booth and the lady asked us to wait and gave us a waiting list number 55. Mom went to the restroom and my brothers roamed around. I sat beside the entrance with this board above me. I patiently waited, stared into nothingness with the screaming lambs inside my head. After few numbers were called out I realized she was saying #58. How come we weren't called? Wasn't I paying attention? I asked my lil'bro to approach the lady and she said she called us out twice. How come I never heard her? And then I realized that maybe I'm getting used with waiting too long for anything or anyone that I fail to notice they've been calling out my attention but I chose to stay stagnant. We were then given a new number which was #60 and this time when I'm all ready paying attention it takes long enough for me to wait once more and now staring again but this time with the number that came before me when I should've been there first. I'm starving but nothing else left to do but wait, wait again, always waiting for something that is surely worth having.

(OCTOBER 2015)

THE OLD COUPLE AT CHURCH 

Sunday is Sabbath Day, Family Day, and rest day. A time to retreat yourself from all the battles. A time for yourself and for your family. Anything that can feel you safe and loved, all the positive vibes there may be. I see them every time we attend mass on Sundays. And this Sunday I saw them enter the Church door at the Adoration both wearing white, holding each other's hand while the man was holding two blue plastic bags. We offered him a seat since his wife would be serving. He declined because he saw my baby brother and maybe he was bothered that it was my brother's seat so  he took a chair for himself instead. But I wondered why wasn't he sitting on the chair that he just took, he just stood there and waited for his wife to finish her task. Held her hand and prayed with her, he was with her all throughout. He pulls out a chair for her, holds her hand, escorts her here and there, carries her handbag, greets his wife's server-mates (is there even such a word?) with a smile and leaves with her. Every Sunday I watch them, I don't know what their whole story is but they are both old and can't walk properly and still they serve God, they go to Church to serve and hear mass, together. Their love entices my hopeless romantic soul. Is there still a hope for millennials to have a similar love? A God-centered love.

(APRIL 2017)

The memory of you

"IF YOU LEAVE ME NOW"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MikRS_EEGcQ

I remember how he used to play and sing this song on his mobile phone, and how his lips move when singing the lyrics while he is driving and how he looks  deeply into my  eyes teary-eyed, kisses my forehead and locking me with his right arm as his left hand is on the steering wheel. He used to  tell me that he would never leave me and if there's a possibility that we would end it would be on my part because he can never leave the person whom he loves more than love  itself. He constantly reminds me that our love is the close enough to perfect kind, all those surprises, his family and my family getting close enough joining  together at  several  gatherings, red-letter-days, simple days.

And now here I am, listening to this song on  YouTube blogging about  this song that reminds me  of him and how things were then once in a while I stop and reminisce and still ask "what went wrong? why did you  let us end? why did you let go? why did you  hurt me this much? did you even really loved me? why?" endlessly.  If he loves me more than love itself then he shouldn't have hurt me this much, we should've worked things out like we always used to. And now here I am living in the dark memory of us. I still remember that night when we parted ways, how things came to an end, how I felt like dying there  and then, how it felt waking up the next  day knowing you're no longer there. Funny how you dedicated this song to me and sang it constantly but the last time we were together where tears went overflowing and hearts kept aching and breaking you knelt down hugged your feet begging you to choose me and stay with me but you laid your eyes on me that look that just went through me like I  was invisible like  you don't see me and didn't hear me, you picked me up for it was your time to kneel before me not to ask my hand in marriage but begged me  to leave you and let us go and how I placed my palm on your cheeks wiping those tears away not knowing what to do but to cry my heart out for believing you all this time while all you wanted was to leave me.

"SAY SOMETHING"

First I heard this song was  when actress Anne Curtis of a noon time show sang the chorus and it was stuck in my head, the melody, the tune, the words. I looked up to it in the internet and began listening to it. However, it seemed so slow for me like it was full of pain and hurt because of love then I forgot all about the song. Until  one day, I felt like I want to rest 6-feet below the ground during that moment that I was shivering in so much pain. I was  riding the jeepney  with  my friends (who are a couple), I can't remember where we were heading  to all I can recall is that I was in agony from loving someone who didn't  cared. I found myself staring  on the ground as the public transportation is moving forward then the song played,  everything started to flash in my mind from how it all  began to how it is now and kept asking myself "what went wrong?". No matter how  hurtful and hard it  was I  never came to consider leaving him  and giving up  on him, I wanted to tell him I'm sorry for whatever it is that I have done that made him feel that way, to make us slowly drift away and fade into a memory. I am full of pride but I swallowed it for him and stoop down, all for  him, that I forgot to love myself and forgot that the whole world exists. I  would wholeheartedly  do anything and everything for  him to make him stay. I love  him with all that I am but it was never enough, nothing was ever enough, not even for the gazillion reasons why I love him  this much. And what he wanted to just hear  from me were the words, "I give up."

/MS/

(NOVEMBER 2015)

Noringai

Mom has worked with Noringai in one of her TV appearances (I think sa Bagito). After her taping day she was telling me stories about her then another day came when she handed me over a book written by Noringai entitled "Parang Kayo Pero Hindi". So I started reading it, and realized na yung isang entry niya was posted na sa internet years ago. The thing about "pseudo-relationship". Nakaka-relate sobra, as I flip from one page to the other sapul ako. But unfortunately I wasn't able to finish the book since my friend borrowed it and hasn't given it back. Few more months and mom came home again now with two of Noringai's books entitled "Buti pa ang Roma may Papa" and "Goodbye Girl". Mom has the latter and reads it once in a while and I have the "Goodbye Girl", but haven't finished reading it yet because I skip stories but what hit me the most was the 5th chapter. 

Tears were shed as I was reading it. That line that says "I will never find someone like you. Because I will find someone better than you." gave me chills since I've been contemplating more than a year now if I'll find someone like him. He was everything I hoped, prayed, and imagined and honestly I thought he was the one but I guess not. I couldn't agree more with Noringai because I know that I deserve someone who will not lie to me, will not betray me, will not make lame excuses, someone who will truly love me. Yes, I still find myself reminiscing and crying over what we used to have but I've accepted the fact that that's how far our story has reached and it's sad how it ended tragically. I may now have a heart that is shattered but now matter how broken my heart is, I know that I still have one. And knowing that for a fact, gives me hope for what may come.

(JANUARY 2016)