"IF YOU LEAVE ME NOW"
I remember how he used to play and sing this song on his mobile phone, and how his lips move when singing the lyrics while he is driving and how he looks deeply into my eyes teary-eyed, kisses my forehead and locking me with his right arm as his left hand is on the steering wheel. He used to tell me that he would never leave me and if there's a possibility that we would end it would be on my part because he can never leave the person whom he loves more than love itself. He constantly reminds me that our love is the close enough to perfect kind, all those surprises, his family and my family getting close enough joining together at several gatherings, red-letter-days, simple days.
And now here I am, listening to this song on YouTube blogging about this song that reminds me of him and how things were then once in a while I stop and reminisce and still ask "what went wrong? why did you let us end? why did you let go? why did you hurt me this much? did you even really loved me? why?" endlessly. If he loves me more than love itself then he shouldn't have hurt me this much, we should've worked things out like we always used to. And now here I am living in the dark memory of us. I still remember that night when we parted ways, how things came to an end, how I felt like dying there and then, how it felt waking up the next day knowing you're no longer there. Funny how you dedicated this song to me and sang it constantly but the last time we were together where tears went overflowing and hearts kept aching and breaking you knelt down hugged your feet begging you to choose me and stay with me but you laid your eyes on me that look that just went through me like I was invisible like you don't see me and didn't hear me, you picked me up for it was your time to kneel before me not to ask my hand in marriage but begged me to leave you and let us go and how I placed my palm on your cheeks wiping those tears away not knowing what to do but to cry my heart out for believing you all this time while all you wanted was to leave me.
First I heard this song was when actress Anne Curtis of a noon time show sang the chorus and it was stuck in my head, the melody, the tune, the words. I looked up to it in the internet and began listening to it. However, it seemed so slow for me like it was full of pain and hurt because of love then I forgot all about the song. Until one day, I felt like I want to rest 6-feet below the ground during that moment that I was shivering in so much pain. I was riding the jeepney with my friends (who are a couple), I can't remember where we were heading to all I can recall is that I was in agony from loving someone who didn't cared. I found myself staring on the ground as the public transportation is moving forward then the song played, everything started to flash in my mind from how it all began to how it is now and kept asking myself "what went wrong?". No matter how hurtful and hard it was I never came to consider leaving him and giving up on him, I wanted to tell him I'm sorry for whatever it is that I have done that made him feel that way, to make us slowly drift away and fade into a memory. I am full of pride but I swallowed it for him and stoop down, all for him, that I forgot to love myself and forgot that the whole world exists. I would wholeheartedly do anything and everything for him to make him stay. I love him with all that I am but it was never enough, nothing was ever enough, not even for the gazillion reasons why I love him this much. And what he wanted to just hear from me were the words, "I give up."
/MS/
"SAY SOMETHING"
First I heard this song was when actress Anne Curtis of a noon time show sang the chorus and it was stuck in my head, the melody, the tune, the words. I looked up to it in the internet and began listening to it. However, it seemed so slow for me like it was full of pain and hurt because of love then I forgot all about the song. Until one day, I felt like I want to rest 6-feet below the ground during that moment that I was shivering in so much pain. I was riding the jeepney with my friends (who are a couple), I can't remember where we were heading to all I can recall is that I was in agony from loving someone who didn't cared. I found myself staring on the ground as the public transportation is moving forward then the song played, everything started to flash in my mind from how it all began to how it is now and kept asking myself "what went wrong?". No matter how hurtful and hard it was I never came to consider leaving him and giving up on him, I wanted to tell him I'm sorry for whatever it is that I have done that made him feel that way, to make us slowly drift away and fade into a memory. I am full of pride but I swallowed it for him and stoop down, all for him, that I forgot to love myself and forgot that the whole world exists. I would wholeheartedly do anything and everything for him to make him stay. I love him with all that I am but it was never enough, nothing was ever enough, not even for the gazillion reasons why I love him this much. And what he wanted to just hear from me were the words, "I give up."
/MS/
(NOVEMBER 2015)
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