Aria'87

     How long can a friendship that started young last for a lifetime? How do you keep friendship alive? How much do you have to treasure a friendship? What are the ingredients for a long lasting bond? We were all once young and innocent that we nod and smile to everyone. We say and do things that we ought to without thinking, we were entitled to freedom without getting into any trouble because we were too young to know. "Barkada" a group of friends who get along with each other, treat each other as family. 

It is indeed hard to find someone to be with for the rest of your life but what's harder is to find a true friend who'll never leave you through thick ans thin even when that special someone leaves you and even if you feel that your family leaves you hanging out in the blue. Someone who understands and accepts you inside and out. We meet new people almost everyday and some remain as strangers, acquaintances, flings, lovers, but only few become true friends.

I grew up in awe with my mom and her friends, how they've managed to stay friends through time. According to my mom some of which she knew way back kinder days and their circle grew during high school, the most highlighted years of schooling. They are not just some group of friends, they are those who everyone would love to see gathered together since they are all gorgeous and stunning, intelligent and simple. College days came they all went to different schools, it's pretty difficult to find time with your good old pals when your schedule doesn't fit. It's now time to grow up and face the real world, one by one they are entering a new phase of their lives and building their dreams with their husbands. Seeing their bundle of joy but still staying close to each other; misunderstandings here and there and though some are now miles away the friendship still remains. They gather annually with us their children. It's not on how one sees the other but of how one loves the other deeply that these people are not only their family but a part of their hearts as well.

Money and the social status was never an issue for it's the friendship that counts and these papers bills and metal coins are just things but this bond is worth more than that and more than anything else. They have made sacrifices and went through serious trials in life and felt like letting go, how can we their children know what they are going thru? How are we able to comfort them if they keep silent about it. Thank God they have each other, their outlet of everything, consoling them and loving them to the fullest.

*TO BE UPDATED*

Featured on MOD Magazine

I just turned eighteen (18), I took my chances on achieving one of my goals in life and that is to be featured on a magazine. Mr. Arca the head of Modelo Pilipinas (modeling agency) conducted and open shoot (an open shoot is where you’d pay to a specific person or agency to engage yourself in a photo shoot under them). Their theme was black and white (not black and white photo but black and white attire), the package includes your HMUA (Hair and Make-up Artist), whole body, half body, close-up, and random photos to be taken and one of your best shots that would be chosen would be featured on MOD Magazine’s April 2012 issue plus a copy of your photos raw and edited compacted on a CD. Lastly, a framed-sized photo of your best shot with MOD and Modelo Pilipinas’ logo. What I learned later on what when we were called for an interview it was also a screening. Not because you have the resources, face, and guts it automatically means that you are qualified in joining the open shoot for MOD Magazine.

Since I’m just starting in the industry (in which I don’t really have any plans of getting into), I grabbed it. When I got in the unit of Modelo Pilipinas which is located along Santolan-Annapolis I was so nervous because all the other girls are model-like and I see myself as no one, not really intimidated but more like wondering why I’m not as stunning and gorgeous as they are. I sat in a corner waiting for my turn to be prepared by the HMUA, I chatted along with some girls beside me trying to make new friends and make myself comfortable with the crowd as well. I got to gain some new acquaintances namely Ate Macky, Ate Angel, and two other girls (whom I forgot the names). Thrill covered my whole body since I have no idea how this photo shoot thing works, what and how should I pose. 

I was called out to get ready for my turn, the HMUA admitted that she had a hard time with my eyes and my eyes is the smallest one she has encountered that caused her to be challenged on putting on an eyeliner and fake lashes. I wanted to back out, I wasn’t thinking about how much I paid and prepared for it but I was being a dastard. I headed to the ladies room and calmed I breathe in… breathe out… viola! I have gathered up enough strength though I was still kind of nervous the photo shoot went well. I waited for summer 2011 and got a copy of the April issue, I can’t describe in words how the smile on my face looked when I saw my face actually printed on a magazine.

 (APRIL 2011)

The people's Pope

We are so blessed to be visited by the Pope. Faith is what makes us resilient; let us join him in his advocacy of Mercy and Compassion.

Years ago I've been praying and wondering how would it feel like if I see the Pope. Because when Pope John Paul II went here, I was only two years old so I don't know how it feels like to have that different kind of goosebumps.

2013 and 2014's Feast of Our Lady of Remedies Parish (Malate Church), Cardinal Tagle presided the mass. I got the chance to get near him, and pay respect (mano). I felt that thrill and enticing moment of having a holy person pass in front of me.

I was so excited to see Pope Francis yesterday. So blessed that we live near the Apostolic Nunciature, and that we were in the front row. We waited for three hours or more just to catch a glimpse of his angelic smile. When Pope went pass us in his fast mobile, he looked like an angel maybe more like a saint. We saw him for only three seconds but it was worth the wait; slow-mo moment; felt God's presence, felt like it was Jesus the Son of God who was waving at us. I didn't have the chance to go near him and take a selfie but at least a simple photo with him this way is more than enough. Saw Pope Francis for the Nth time since the Apostolic Nunciature is just near us. Never got tired of waiting for him to pass in front of us everyday; waiting for hours and just seeing him for few seconds. Still it was worth it all. We love you Pope Francis. Have a safe trip back to Rome.

I never got tired of going out and waiting for hours just to see the Pope in milliseconds. I am a Catholic by faith and by heart, my faith has brought me to where I am right now. Yes, I might be headstrong than I really am but my God has helped me go through it all. I may be young but I've been through a lot, it may not be as much as the others but it all depends on the individual doesn't it? I had my heart broken and scattered and shattered numerous times but my God has loved me more than I deserve to be. I am very disappointed of myself but God makes me feel proud of my achievements. I lost myself timelessly but God has helped me find my way back. I often feel weak but God was always there to listen to me and give me strength, brought me closer to the people who gives me strength. I am who I am because of my God.

(JANUARY 2015)

High School Best Friend

I felt like an outcast; it was the first day of class in my new school. I was already in the 2^nd year of high school, wore a red checkered skirt and plain white blouse with strikes of red checkered vertical line on each side. Flag ceremony on Monday morning, I was beside no one even until we reached the classroom and knowing no one I chose to sit at the very back of the room. This Rapunzel with dark shiny hair seated near me, we talked because we were both scavengers asking for who has a piece of paper. From there we became friends; we had formed a 4-member friendship and named it BRG (Beautiful Rockin’ Girls) with Franze Cabarrubias and Charlene Rivera. We became very close, we treated each other like sisters, and we learned that we a lot in common.

Whenever her mom sends some chocolates from Bahrain we eat it under the teacher’s table so that no one would ask for some. I would guard the front door and she would guard the back door and no one is allowed to enter not unless they give us food. Yes, we’re kind of bully but not so. During flag ceremony we throw our bags by the gate and go to school a bit late and no one would know because our bags are there. She’s makes silly stuffs like she writes an excuse on our Correspondence notebook and we’d get out of school freely. At times we cut classes, whenever we feel lazy to go to school we’d go straight to SM Manila McDonald’s and wait for 10am when the mall opens then play at Worlds of Fun or stroll around. Sometimes we head out to SM MOA the times when the flat rates of cabs were only PHP20, with a budget of 500 pesos we are able to survive just for the sake of gallivanting. Though we are both crazy we never forget to do well in class, we’re the partners in crime. She sleeps over at my pad and I sleep over at hers. We’re total lunatics that we tend to speak sarcastically when around anyone.

I remember than whenever I get close to someone else she has this obsession of bullying that someone to keep them away from me. Yes, a total lunatic indeed but I know that she just really loves me as much. We eat a lot, we love eating but actually she loves cooking and eating while I only love eating. I have no interest in cooking that’s why whenever we’re together she wants to hit me with the pan because as she is cooking I keep on eating. I came from a very profound exclusive school in the Metro so I was culture shocked when I transferred there but she made it worthwhile. I was really “maarte” but she taught me how to be “jeproks”, how to live simply yet cool. During recess and lunch time our way was that she would bring a can opener and I would bring canned goods then we will just buy rice at the canteen and ask for plastic utensils because we are broke and we are saving up our allowance so we can bond outside school. As for our drink, there is a drinking fountain at the corner so no worries. We would just tear off the plastic where the rice is and eat it then and there with the canned goods. Solved! I was supposing to study there for only a year but because of her I’ve decided to finish high school there. Junior year came but sadly we’re not classmates, we both had to deal with it. We gained new friends but still we go to each other’s classroom just to check out each other and still “pasaway” as we are, we cut class and stay at the comfort room since no one checks students there. I find it hard to make new friends without her because she’s the only one who got me so comfortable in this new environment but though we’re not together she never left me. She was always still there for me, best friend. We still go out often as much as we can even until our Senior year, when we went to college things were totally different. We saw each other again during her sister and my brother’s high school graduation (since they are batch mates as well), but the last time we saw each other was during her debut. It was very heartwarming to know that she never forgets me even until now that she has graduated college and working abroad. We may not get to communicate nor see each other anymore but the friendship still remains and would never fade away. She is the wind beneath my wings, my best friend, my tol. We may find it mushy but I love and miss you tol, my best friend.

You're now starting a new chapter in your life and it came as a surprise. You were never secretive not until now that you're married and expecting a little munchkin on the way, we'd be oceans apart but you know that I would always be here for you. 

(NOVEMBER 2015)

Dearest Lord

THE IMMORTAL HEART:

Hello Papa God,

                          I've been thinking about this lately. Why do I have an immortal heart? This heart has been shattered for almost centrillion times but it never gets tired. Gets weak but never gets tired. It seems to revive itself. At a young age it has been broken, at a young age it has been wounded, at a young age it first died. I remember that night when Dad hurt Mom. That night when he tied Mom while she was on her third trimester with my baby brother. That night when he held a bolo in his hand and was aiming for Mom. That night when my grandparents were banging the locked door of our room. That night when he ran after his parents with that bolo. That night when Mom was hysterically crying. That night when we packed our things. That night when we left Dad. That night when my heart was terribly broken. That night.

                   
                         Despite everything, I never hated my father. I never hated him not only because Mom reminded me to love him. Not only because she told me that whatever happens he's still my father.



HELLO PAPA GOD

Hello Papa God,

                          Bakit po ganun? Nakakatuwa na nakakatawa how my friends look up to me. Ngayon ko lang po ata na-realize again na... Oo nga, bakit hindi napapagod ang puso ko? Since I was a kid I have this problem with my breathing. Naninikip dibdib ko once in a while especially kapag nagiging excessive 'yung emotions and feelings ko. Minsan nga hindi ko alam bakit tumitibok pa rin heart ko. Pero alam ko naman po ang sagot. Dahil po Sa Inyo 'yun. I wonder how a heart like this still functions well despite everything it has been through. Bakit nga po ba hindi ako napapagod magmahal ng totoo? Hindi natatakot na ma-balewala lang ulit? Hindi napapagod masaktan ulit? The truth actually is that... I'm really tired and scared but then I don't know bakit ganito pa rin. No matter how many times ko sabihin na ayaw ko na, pagod na ako, suko na ako, masakit na, awat na muna. Wala pa rin. Sige pa rin ng sige 'yung puso ko. How can this heart be filled with so much love when all my life it was what I've always been longing to have? 

If you love me enough, you would set me free

Dear Dad,

                We haven't spoken for a while. I think it has been four months now since we last talked and saw each other, I remember so well that very last time. Everything seems going well that I even decided to skip my acting class that day to be with you, to bond with you, we were partners in crime dad. I slept over at your girlfriend's place because you're there, I want to be with you even though until now I still dislike her and you know why--she's the reason why our family is fucked up, the reason why mom decided to leave you and take us with her. The reason why everything is broken including your relationship ties with your whole clan. You've always been a womanizer since time immemorial, I witnessed how you banged mom's head on the wall and accused her of false things, things that you've clearly made up, why? Because you were so scared she'll do to you what you've been doing to her. I saw how you almost killed mom using an ax when you tied her with a cable when she was pregnant with my brother. You never gave me and my brother financial nor moral support as we were growing up even until now. Once in a while you come to see us with one of your three official girlfriends but barely even loved us, you're fond of people praising you and looking up to you given the position you have right now. Where do we stand in your life dad? Despite all of these I never hated you because mom kept telling me that no matter what has happened or happens you're still our dad. I've loved you despite all of these dad, despite all of this. I never even demanded you for things I know you'd be forced to do.

                I did well in school dad even though there were times I slightly fucked up but I was able to make up for it. I passed my SAT's, exams, recitations, essays. I did everything more than I think I could. I pushed myself to my limits, I was scared to face all of it and venture into something new but need to do it because I want to become a better person. Still you think everything I do means nothing and would not help me in anything or anyway possible. I handed you over photocopies of my certificates, my achievements, I called you up every time I achieve in anything still that cold-heart. I shake it off and continue to aim and achieve things. You feared so much that I might get pregnant at an early age but dad here I am, turning 24 this year and never got pregnant not aborted a child. Never did nor tried drugs in any form though I spent time with friends who do. Never smoked cigarette nor weed. I did partied and traveled a lot but I never neglected my responsibilities and took care of myself and my brothers, also mom. Dad, I did everything why can't you trust me on this? Why can't you be proud of me? Why can't you love me and support me?

                Do you even remember that you didn't come to my high school graduation even though you knew I'll be receiving an award? I wanted you and mom to come up the stage with me when I receive that award but you were never there. Three years after you did the same thing to my brother, he even has a medal, we wanted you there dad. We wanted and needed you to be there but where were you? We keep on forgiving you over and over again but this time it's too much. We both tried and continually try to make ourselves better because we know you'll never be there for us no matter how much we talk to you about it. I am getting closer every day to my dream: weren't you the one who told me to aim high, keep on giving all the best I can, do as much as I can do and even better. That you never doubted that I can be the best I can be. Dad I got an unconditional offer to study law in London in a good uni-- City University London, are you even proud? I participated in both Global and National conventions-- represented the country, carrying your name, I got my TESOL and TEFL, I rendered three-year service to the government, became a youth leader and lead my fellow youth leaders when I was elected to become president of my district, was a national youth representative, and so on but I never heard the words "I'm proud of you, anak". I worked so hard for this dad, I worked so hard to get this far and now that I have the opportunity to make you so proud of me. But here you are being a hindrance to my dream, dad this isn't only for me this is for you and for everyone I can help. I can't stand seeing mom and my brothers trying to okay living in a small house with dangers everywhere every day, I can't stand that you let your parents, my grandparents sleep on the floor of the 'barangay'. If you can't be proud of me, just please let me do things so I can be proud of myself.

              I still don't hate you for this but I am deeply heartbroken. I am thankful for all the pain you caused me since I was a kid because all of those made me stronger but this one? I can't help but fall apart, I can't help but breakdown and die a little more every day. I know you love me but if you love me enough you'll let me go. I just want to leave and live dad. I want to be proud of myself, I want you to be proud of me. All I'm asking is for you to trust me that I can do this dad, can't you just be proud of me and support me achieve me ultimate goal in life? Just this once, I hope you'll be a dad to me and my brother. Let me go to London and study law, dad. If I don't need your financial help you know how much of a headstrong I am, but dad it's not like this is something that would ruin my life. That's all I ask of you, dad.

(MARCH 2017)

Crying my heart out

I've been talking to this special guy I met online about eight months ago. We talk every day and night, whenever we both have time. We have this some kind of mutual understanding. No, we're not together but if he would ask me, my answer would definitely be a 'yes'. He surprisingly called me up and we talked about random things for an hour or so. In this complicated situation we managed to keep going and stick with each other, we respect each other's individuality. Everything's going well, we're okay though at times I'm in the mood for a petty argument. I love how he says my name, it's the best sound I ever heard. His sweet deep voice is music to my ears. I can't actually remember everything we talked about on that phone call because I kept my eyes closed through the whole conversation, imagining he's in front of me and I'm just staring at his face being grateful for his existence. Lost in his eyes. But I knew I had to end this soon. I can't be foolish enough to let it take on me and hang myself in that idea again. I can't, soon enough I'll have the courage and the strength to leave.

(NOVEMBER 2016)
_________________________________________________________________________________You've consumed my thoughts and have the power to change my mood in an instant but sadly, you also have the strength to break me into pieces once in a while. It's been nine long months, I tried. I feel for you so much that it strangles me to death coz it feels like I'm the only whose feelings are invested on this, time, effort, everything despite all the complications in this situation. What happened? You spoke of sweet nothings is that it? That I shouldn't have fell for and believed in the first place. Why did I even bothered giving you the chance and entrusted you with my recovering heart? This is so foolish and stupid of me. I hold you responsible for all the chaos you've cause in my world. I was blinded enough to give in and fall back to you each time. I don't deserve this but why am I staying? I'm staying because you deserve to be loved in the best both possible and impossible way there is and I'm giving it to you though you keep complaining it's too much. I am too much. You asked me to step back yet each time I do and try to let you, you stop me from moving away. You and your mixed signals yet I allow this to happen and get stuck in this grey area. You don't know how much I want to love you so hard to let you know that I see you beyond your imperfections but you don't want me to, you won't allow me to. You chose to be a fence-sitter and hold back each time. You're breaking my heart and try not to feel guilty about it. There's so many other people that surrounds us yet I choose you. They can be physically with me that I don't have to beg for their time and attention but I choose you over them, I should keep my options open but I'm staying loyal to you even when it's unofficial, even if we're miles apart, even we're two complete strangers still. You don't know how much it hurts me that I can't be there with you. I'm left with no other option but to wait for couple of months to make things work and hope this could be possible but until then we need to hold on. Or if one decides to let go, I hope you stop being like an iceberg firm and cold with so much underneath than seen in the surface. We're free to do whatever, choose whoever, live our lives separately coz we're not together. One day when I get to finally meet you, I'd look straight and deep into your eyes and let you feel the words my heart had been dying to tell you just because you've build a wall around you, a space between us, you've kept the door shut for a while now. Even if we're not meant to be or we won't work out, I'd still keep a space in my heart for you. I'd still give you a piece of my heart, a piece of me because at one point in my life you came unexpectedly and let me experience and believe something that only exists in the depths of my heart.

/MX/
(JANUARY 2017)