My thoughts and I

VIKINGS BUFFET

We went straight to the reservation booth and the lady asked us to wait and gave us a waiting list number 55. Mom went to the restroom and my brothers roamed around. I sat beside the entrance with this board above me. I patiently waited, stared into nothingness with the screaming lambs inside my head. After few numbers were called out I realized she was saying #58. How come we weren't called? Wasn't I paying attention? I asked my lil'bro to approach the lady and she said she called us out twice. How come I never heard her? And then I realized that maybe I'm getting used with waiting too long for anything or anyone that I fail to notice they've been calling out my attention but I chose to stay stagnant. We were then given a new number which was #60 and this time when I'm all ready paying attention it takes long enough for me to wait once more and now staring again but this time with the number that came before me when I should've been there first. I'm starving but nothing else left to do but wait, wait again, always waiting for something that is surely worth having.

(OCTOBER 2015)

THE OLD COUPLE AT CHURCH 

Sunday is Sabbath Day, Family Day, and rest day. A time to retreat yourself from all the battles. A time for yourself and for your family. Anything that can feel you safe and loved, all the positive vibes there may be. I see them every time we attend mass on Sundays. And this Sunday I saw them enter the Church door at the Adoration both wearing white, holding each other's hand while the man was holding two blue plastic bags. We offered him a seat since his wife would be serving. He declined because he saw my baby brother and maybe he was bothered that it was my brother's seat so  he took a chair for himself instead. But I wondered why wasn't he sitting on the chair that he just took, he just stood there and waited for his wife to finish her task. Held her hand and prayed with her, he was with her all throughout. He pulls out a chair for her, holds her hand, escorts her here and there, carries her handbag, greets his wife's server-mates (is there even such a word?) with a smile and leaves with her. Every Sunday I watch them, I don't know what their whole story is but they are both old and can't walk properly and still they serve God, they go to Church to serve and hear mass, together. Their love entices my hopeless romantic soul. Is there still a hope for millennials to have a similar love? A God-centered love.

(APRIL 2017)

The memory of you

"IF YOU LEAVE ME NOW"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MikRS_EEGcQ

I remember how he used to play and sing this song on his mobile phone, and how his lips move when singing the lyrics while he is driving and how he looks  deeply into my  eyes teary-eyed, kisses my forehead and locking me with his right arm as his left hand is on the steering wheel. He used to  tell me that he would never leave me and if there's a possibility that we would end it would be on my part because he can never leave the person whom he loves more than love  itself. He constantly reminds me that our love is the close enough to perfect kind, all those surprises, his family and my family getting close enough joining  together at  several  gatherings, red-letter-days, simple days.

And now here I am, listening to this song on  YouTube blogging about  this song that reminds me  of him and how things were then once in a while I stop and reminisce and still ask "what went wrong? why did you  let us end? why did you let go? why did you  hurt me this much? did you even really loved me? why?" endlessly.  If he loves me more than love itself then he shouldn't have hurt me this much, we should've worked things out like we always used to. And now here I am living in the dark memory of us. I still remember that night when we parted ways, how things came to an end, how I felt like dying there  and then, how it felt waking up the next  day knowing you're no longer there. Funny how you dedicated this song to me and sang it constantly but the last time we were together where tears went overflowing and hearts kept aching and breaking you knelt down hugged your feet begging you to choose me and stay with me but you laid your eyes on me that look that just went through me like I  was invisible like  you don't see me and didn't hear me, you picked me up for it was your time to kneel before me not to ask my hand in marriage but begged me  to leave you and let us go and how I placed my palm on your cheeks wiping those tears away not knowing what to do but to cry my heart out for believing you all this time while all you wanted was to leave me.

"SAY SOMETHING"

First I heard this song was  when actress Anne Curtis of a noon time show sang the chorus and it was stuck in my head, the melody, the tune, the words. I looked up to it in the internet and began listening to it. However, it seemed so slow for me like it was full of pain and hurt because of love then I forgot all about the song. Until  one day, I felt like I want to rest 6-feet below the ground during that moment that I was shivering in so much pain. I was  riding the jeepney  with  my friends (who are a couple), I can't remember where we were heading  to all I can recall is that I was in agony from loving someone who didn't  cared. I found myself staring  on the ground as the public transportation is moving forward then the song played,  everything started to flash in my mind from how it all  began to how it is now and kept asking myself "what went wrong?". No matter how  hurtful and hard it  was I  never came to consider leaving him  and giving up  on him, I wanted to tell him I'm sorry for whatever it is that I have done that made him feel that way, to make us slowly drift away and fade into a memory. I am full of pride but I swallowed it for him and stoop down, all for  him, that I forgot to love myself and forgot that the whole world exists. I  would wholeheartedly  do anything and everything for  him to make him stay. I love  him with all that I am but it was never enough, nothing was ever enough, not even for the gazillion reasons why I love him  this much. And what he wanted to just hear  from me were the words, "I give up."

/MS/

(NOVEMBER 2015)