Dear Dad,
We haven't spoken for a while. I think it has been four months now since we last talked and saw each other, I remember so well that very last time. Everything seems going well that I even decided to skip my acting class that day to be with you, to bond with you, we were partners in crime dad. I slept over at your girlfriend's place because you're there, I want to be with you even though until now I still dislike her and you know why--she's the reason why our family is fucked up, the reason why mom decided to leave you and take us with her. The reason why everything is broken including your relationship ties with your whole clan. You've always been a womanizer since time immemorial, I witnessed how you banged mom's head on the wall and accused her of false things, things that you've clearly made up, why? Because you were so scared she'll do to you what you've been doing to her. I saw how you almost killed mom using an ax when you tied her with a cable when she was pregnant with my brother. You never gave me and my brother financial nor moral support as we were growing up even until now. Once in a while you come to see us with one of your three official girlfriends but barely even loved us, you're fond of people praising you and looking up to you given the position you have right now. Where do we stand in your life dad? Despite all of these I never hated you because mom kept telling me that no matter what has happened or happens you're still our dad. I've loved you despite all of these dad, despite all of this. I never even demanded you for things I know you'd be forced to do.
I did well in school dad even though there were times I slightly fucked up but I was able to make up for it. I passed my SAT's, exams, recitations, essays. I did everything more than I think I could. I pushed myself to my limits, I was scared to face all of it and venture into something new but need to do it because I want to become a better person. Still you think everything I do means nothing and would not help me in anything or anyway possible. I handed you over photocopies of my certificates, my achievements, I called you up every time I achieve in anything still that cold-heart. I shake it off and continue to aim and achieve things. You feared so much that I might get pregnant at an early age but dad here I am, turning 24 this year and never got pregnant not aborted a child. Never did nor tried drugs in any form though I spent time with friends who do. Never smoked cigarette nor weed. I did partied and traveled a lot but I never neglected my responsibilities and took care of myself and my brothers, also mom. Dad, I did everything why can't you trust me on this? Why can't you be proud of me? Why can't you love me and support me?
Do you even remember that you didn't come to my high school graduation even though you knew I'll be receiving an award? I wanted you and mom to come up the stage with me when I receive that award but you were never there. Three years after you did the same thing to my brother, he even has a medal, we wanted you there dad. We wanted and needed you to be there but where were you? We keep on forgiving you over and over again but this time it's too much. We both tried and continually try to make ourselves better because we know you'll never be there for us no matter how much we talk to you about it. I am getting closer every day to my dream: weren't you the one who told me to aim high, keep on giving all the best I can, do as much as I can do and even better. That you never doubted that I can be the best I can be. Dad I got an unconditional offer to study law in London in a good uni-- City University London, are you even proud? I participated in both Global and National conventions-- represented the country, carrying your name, I got my TESOL and TEFL, I rendered three-year service to the government, became a youth leader and lead my fellow youth leaders when I was elected to become president of my district, was a national youth representative, and so on but I never heard the words "I'm proud of you, anak". I worked so hard for this dad, I worked so hard to get this far and now that I have the opportunity to make you so proud of me. But here you are being a hindrance to my dream, dad this isn't only for me this is for you and for everyone I can help. I can't stand seeing mom and my brothers trying to okay living in a small house with dangers everywhere every day, I can't stand that you let your parents, my grandparents sleep on the floor of the 'barangay'. If you can't be proud of me, just please let me do things so I can be proud of myself.
I still don't hate you for this but I am deeply heartbroken. I am thankful for all the pain you caused me since I was a kid because all of those made me stronger but this one? I can't help but fall apart, I can't help but breakdown and die a little more every day. I know you love me but if you love me enough you'll let me go. I just want to leave and live dad. I want to be proud of myself, I want you to be proud of me. All I'm asking is for you to trust me that I can do this dad, can't you just be proud of me and support me achieve me ultimate goal in life? Just this once, I hope you'll be a dad to me and my brother. Let me go to London and study law, dad. If I don't need your financial help you know how much of a headstrong I am, but dad it's not like this is something that would ruin my life. That's all I ask of you, dad.
(MARCH 2017)
(MARCH 2017)
