I've been talking to this special guy I met online about eight months ago. We talk every day and night, whenever we both have time. We have this some kind of mutual understanding. No, we're not together but if he would ask me, my answer would definitely be a 'yes'. He surprisingly called me up and we talked about random things for an hour or so. In this complicated situation we managed to keep going and stick with each other, we respect each other's individuality. Everything's going well, we're okay though at times I'm in the mood for a petty argument. I love how he says my name, it's the best sound I ever heard. His sweet deep voice is music to my ears. I can't actually remember everything we talked about on that phone call because I kept my eyes closed through the whole conversation, imagining he's in front of me and I'm just staring at his face being grateful for his existence. Lost in his eyes. But I knew I had to end this soon. I can't be foolish enough to let it take on me and hang myself in that idea again. I can't, soon enough I'll have the courage and the strength to leave.
(NOVEMBER 2016)
_________________________________________________________________________________You've consumed my thoughts and have the power to change my mood in an instant but sadly, you also have the strength to break me into pieces once in a while. It's been nine long months, I tried. I feel for you so much that it strangles me to death coz it feels like I'm the only whose feelings are invested on this, time, effort, everything despite all the complications in this situation. What happened? You spoke of sweet nothings is that it? That I shouldn't have fell for and believed in the first place. Why did I even bothered giving you the chance and entrusted you with my recovering heart? This is so foolish and stupid of me. I hold you responsible for all the chaos you've cause in my world. I was blinded enough to give in and fall back to you each time. I don't deserve this but why am I staying? I'm staying because you deserve to be loved in the best both possible and impossible way there is and I'm giving it to you though you keep complaining it's too much. I am too much. You asked me to step back yet each time I do and try to let you, you stop me from moving away. You and your mixed signals yet I allow this to happen and get stuck in this grey area. You don't know how much I want to love you so hard to let you know that I see you beyond your imperfections but you don't want me to, you won't allow me to. You chose to be a fence-sitter and hold back each time. You're breaking my heart and try not to feel guilty about it. There's so many other people that surrounds us yet I choose you. They can be physically with me that I don't have to beg for their time and attention but I choose you over them, I should keep my options open but I'm staying loyal to you even when it's unofficial, even if we're miles apart, even we're two complete strangers still. You don't know how much it hurts me that I can't be there with you. I'm left with no other option but to wait for couple of months to make things work and hope this could be possible but until then we need to hold on. Or if one decides to let go, I hope you stop being like an iceberg firm and cold with so much underneath than seen in the surface. We're free to do whatever, choose whoever, live our lives separately coz we're not together. One day when I get to finally meet you, I'd look straight and deep into your eyes and let you feel the words my heart had been dying to tell you just because you've build a wall around you, a space between us, you've kept the door shut for a while now. Even if we're not meant to be or we won't work out, I'd still keep a space in my heart for you. I'd still give you a piece of my heart, a piece of me because at one point in my life you came unexpectedly and let me experience and believe something that only exists in the depths of my heart.
(NOVEMBER 2016)
_________________________________________________________________________________You've consumed my thoughts and have the power to change my mood in an instant but sadly, you also have the strength to break me into pieces once in a while. It's been nine long months, I tried. I feel for you so much that it strangles me to death coz it feels like I'm the only whose feelings are invested on this, time, effort, everything despite all the complications in this situation. What happened? You spoke of sweet nothings is that it? That I shouldn't have fell for and believed in the first place. Why did I even bothered giving you the chance and entrusted you with my recovering heart? This is so foolish and stupid of me. I hold you responsible for all the chaos you've cause in my world. I was blinded enough to give in and fall back to you each time. I don't deserve this but why am I staying? I'm staying because you deserve to be loved in the best both possible and impossible way there is and I'm giving it to you though you keep complaining it's too much. I am too much. You asked me to step back yet each time I do and try to let you, you stop me from moving away. You and your mixed signals yet I allow this to happen and get stuck in this grey area. You don't know how much I want to love you so hard to let you know that I see you beyond your imperfections but you don't want me to, you won't allow me to. You chose to be a fence-sitter and hold back each time. You're breaking my heart and try not to feel guilty about it. There's so many other people that surrounds us yet I choose you. They can be physically with me that I don't have to beg for their time and attention but I choose you over them, I should keep my options open but I'm staying loyal to you even when it's unofficial, even if we're miles apart, even we're two complete strangers still. You don't know how much it hurts me that I can't be there with you. I'm left with no other option but to wait for couple of months to make things work and hope this could be possible but until then we need to hold on. Or if one decides to let go, I hope you stop being like an iceberg firm and cold with so much underneath than seen in the surface. We're free to do whatever, choose whoever, live our lives separately coz we're not together. One day when I get to finally meet you, I'd look straight and deep into your eyes and let you feel the words my heart had been dying to tell you just because you've build a wall around you, a space between us, you've kept the door shut for a while now. Even if we're not meant to be or we won't work out, I'd still keep a space in my heart for you. I'd still give you a piece of my heart, a piece of me because at one point in my life you came unexpectedly and let me experience and believe something that only exists in the depths of my heart.
/MX/
(JANUARY 2017)
(JANUARY 2017)
