How can you be so sure of someone who loves you more than you can ever imagine. Someone who has gone beyond the greater description of romantic love, but then fall apart every time, had your heart broken so many times, cry until there's no more tears to fall when he's not even the reason at all. It's them, the most important people in his life who just goes along with you because you're his present girlfriend but then they really love his ex-girlfriend whom they been together for 2 years. It has been 5 to 7 years since they broke up, he had another girlfriend after that ex and before me, they've been together for 2 years and a half.
I could have understand why, but it seems like they're treating me like trash. He's changed ever since he met me, I myself too change when I met him. We love each other so much more than we both could think that we can love someone so much. But it's them, they're the obstacle, they're the challenge that we have to face and live with everyday. We've been together for almost 2 years now, but still they want that 5 to 7 years ago ex. Oh well, it's hard to explain and scribble down to the very beginning and explain how can I say that this relationship of ours differ from our past relationships.
The last time I wrote and had a blog was way back 2008 I guess, and here I once started blogging again. I couldn't tell my parents how I feel, especially to my mom. Because every time I tell her about how his family is hurting and disrespecting me all the time even though I'm not crying I can see in my mom's eyes how she knows how much I feel so broken deep within. She knows how I loved my past boyfriends, and she knows very well how much I love this guy whom I'm with right now so much more, much more than love. I can't even tell this to my closest cousin as well because whenever I look into her eyes too, I can see how much she wants to hug me. No one in my family has ever saw me and heard of me like this, I had my heart broken before yes but this is completely different.
That feeling when you both love each other so much but his family approves of you, welcomes you, but doesn't really love you. Can you imagine being invited and attending to one of his family's big celebration and see his ex there with his cousins, and you feel like you don't exist at all. He was with me then and never left my side, but it hurts me every time, every day, I was a war freak but I stopped being that since I met him. My family knows that if it wasn't just because of him I could have done something wrong to them. I wanted to slap them in the face, pull their hair, shout and scream at them, punch them straight in the face, but I can't, I mustn't, it's so hard to keep your anger, hatred, and sorrow to yourself. I would always talk to God, "God, yes I thank You that You heard my prayers. (yes, I prayed for him and never even knew he exists. God has given me the signs I asked of and God has given me him, someone greater than what I prayed for) but why do we need to argue because of his family's fault. I don't want this to happen, we both love each other but why does it have to be this hard, it's so hard, we're torn in between. If this is hard for me, I know that it's harder for him. I don't know what to do, sometimes I think of leaving him though each time I try I just really can't. I don't know what I should do or how to feel, or even how to keep this, I can't bear it anymore, it too much pain so much hurtful. God, help me please. He's all I ever wanted, all I ever need, all I ever love. I gave up everything for him, my dream (though I was getting there into reaching it) I focused on my studies because he made me realize that I already need to graduate college. They're so disrespectful, they enjoy hurting me, making me look like a fool, and making me feel guilty. God why does it have to be this way? But then, if this is how it's suppose to be then maybe I'll try to live with this pain and endure it. I just can't really lose him."
But no matter how much I try to live with it, it really hurts. And people who keep on talking about how much it's okay, it's not, I wanted to tell them that "don't talk as if you know and can feel how I'm feeling right now". It once was a perfect love for us that became complicated because of them.
_________________________________________________________________________________Everyone has a heart for love even the heartless. Love is our strongest and weakest point, there is nothing in between. We live, fight, and die for love. I see nothing in the light and see everything in the dark. It is easy to fall in love but a billion fold hurtful to let go. For what was once a beautiful dream turned into a horrible nightmare. The blazing fire of love cooled down and burned into ashes. Wanting to revive, wanting to survive because you needed it to be alive. The tragic death of your heart gave birth to give you a new life. Why is it that every time you love truly and deeply you always end up hurting terribly? What does destiny have in hand for you? Were you meant to feel pain and hurt your whole life? Every love song doesn't remind you of only one person. It reminds you of those whom you loved and left you. You keep wondering why would love just always come passing by but won't stay.
You used to tell me I always deserve the best there is in life and so you gave it all to me, all the best you can offer. But where are you now? Is this the best that you're talking about? Do I deserve to be loved, hurt, shattered, betrayed, and left? Then why? You said you love me more than love itself, so is this what more than love itself is? Then why? Was is as simple as just a snap of a finger to leave it all behind like nothing happened, like I was no one, like love never came to exist, like you never even loved me. I was so strong being alone and you were weak being alone, I found my weakness in you and you found your strength from leaving me out in the blue. Love was there it was true, fantasy existed in reality but not until forever faded into never. It was a thirty-one (31)-month fairy tale. How it all began was just like how meeting someone unexpectedly depicted in Disney, Nicholas Sparks' novels, movies. The one that you've been dreaming of for years; I've been having this dream of someone wearing white in front of me, holding my hand while we're walking in a very crowded place. He was taller than me, but too short for my ideal guy. That slow-mo that he's the only one that you can see like there's only the two of you in the world. Time stops and everything and everyone else seems to disappear and it's just him who's too clear not to see. I'm very an out-going person so I meet random strangers almost everyday, continuously dreaming about that anonymous guy over and over again almost every night until one day I met someone unexpectedly in the most unexpected way. Time stood still, everything turned blurred but him. He was a complete stranger, the night after that I had the dream again but this time the guy who remained anonymous for years finally turned around and I saw his face. I woke up, wondering why. Among everyone else, I had several boyfriends, MU's, and went out on dates but never have I seen their faces in my dream especially this mysterious dream, just him. It was so crazy how it all started and now it's just a fantasy into reality that ended up in tragedy.
One day I won't need to wear a mask, I won't need to fake a smile, I will laugh with laughter and no longer laugh to hide the pain. I still keep on asking WHY? Why does it have to be this way? Why do we have to end so tragically? Why did you cheat on me? Why did you leave me? Why have you done this to me? Do I deserve this kind of pain? Do I deserve this? I wonder if I ever cross your mind even for a split second in a day. Did you threw out all those memories that were kept in your drawer? What comes to your mind when you see our collections? What about when you look at paint on the walls of your room? Every stroke, every brush, the colors itself. I believed in something that was nonexistent, I had faith in love because of you. I believed in you. I believed in us and I held on to it while you undoubtedly let go.
I almost died loving someone who lived like I never existed. You showered me with so much love and drowned me with so much pain. You were the main reason why I became fearless in loving, why I took the risk of falling in love. Maybe we were meant to be unmeant after all. Why does it feel like I'm not feeling anything? Don't I really feel anything or I'm just choosing not to care because I already know where this leads. I should know where this would lead. Am I really over him? Why does it feel like somehow I still care? Well, maybe because at one point in time he was my everything that when it ended I was left with nothing. I can barely remember his voice, the way he laughs, his smile, his everyday routine, how he dresses up to the way he dries his feet with a different towel. The way he sleeps and the way he looks. It seems to me like he only existed in my dream. It was like I was asleep for 3 years and when I woke up he's just one great and terrible dream at the same time. It doesn't haunt me no more but it still pains me. Why is it so?
/MS/
(MAY 2015)
